Nag Diary 11.2

Nothing really special to blog about today.  Still in recovery.  Still sore.  Still semi-lost with what I want to do with the rest of my life.  Sometimes I feel like I'm going in circles. 

Time Warner Cable showed up at my house, unannounced - courtesy of my job.  Moving one step closer to working at home.  I have a desk in my office but I want a bigger desk so I have been perusing craigslist.com for desk.  I think I found one but this person keeps giving me the runaround so may have to start looking again.



From  http://www.nesfoundation.com/

 My baby girl is growing so fast! We need more time in the day.  I really wish they had a kids kickball league in this area.  I would love to get her involved in kickball.  I loved kickball growing up and it seems these days, kids cant do anything at school anymore or it gets hocked up to bullying, meanness or reducing kids down to mediocrity.  That's evident in school field day events where EVERYONE gets a ribbon. 

What a crock of hooey! 

Where is the competitive edge?  Everything has gone down the drain because the kids that were picked last in elementary school have grown up to become psychologists and relate to everyone that these games/events are no good for our children.  So now we have a generation of whining, mediocre, underachievers who always win something.  Maybe I'm being too harsh but I always believed if you have a Gym Teacher who doesn't allow these things to happen in class, it eliminates the problems. 

I remember going to school with a boy named Peter who was the best football athlete in 5 grade.  He was cool.  He always picked the people who sucked because he actually cared about folks being picked last.  At least that is what I decided what the reason was.  Where do you think he learned this from?  His gym teacher? NO.  His parents? Just maybe. 

If we want our kids to grow then we have to show them HOW to show compassion and how to root for the underdog so to speak; then being picked last will have no power.  I have always cheered for the underdog.  I have always smiled at the new kid, sat by them, invited them to sit with me because I was the underdog.  I was the new kid.  I was picked on for being black, for being smart, for having a big nose and lips.  It never ended.  But what I am thankful for is a grandmother who didn't allow those things to affect my outlook on people.  So I tell my daughter all the time, don't let your classmates pick on you or anyone else, YOU be the catalyst for change if that is happening, YOU be the one that makes someone feel better about themselves and don't worry if you are not rewarded for it. 

As for the folks that pick on her, that is another story for another day.

Nag Diaries something.something 2.0

Once upon a time I decided I wanted to be an actress/actor. I look at TV and think about how many individuals come together to present this cinematic tapistry by pouring out their souls to millions of strangers that they will never meet. I can do that.......if only I wasnt the star of my own low budget film. *frowns* It seems we as humans try to compensate for the things we do not have or the things we desperately want only to find out that there is a bigger, more meaningful "need" that we are ignoring all the while.

My 7th grade teacher once told me that I was too smart for my own good and I was letting it go to waste.......Mrs. Edwards. I will never forget her. And even then, as a seventh grader - I was searching for something - as young as I was. I thought I had found it in my insane infatuation of the most popular guy in school - Mr. Marcus Brown. He was cool, he was cute...I guess and he was one of those kids who got on my nerves-he always dressed really nice.

After a tortuous 2 years in junior high school, being tormented, teased, ragged on, heart crushed and deflated - I was still head over heals for the one responsible for the said torture and had presumptiously decided to tell him.

Why is it when you decide to do something important - life decides to say otherwise. He was dead. He was dead. He was dead. Murdered. By some wannabe crip or blood who decided they really had to take the whole initation thing to the next level. *Cliche coming* half of me died that day i found out Marcus was dead. He used to call me bubble lip - and sing stupid songs about whether or not my lip hung low.....and they say teasing in school only makes you stronger.........So I named my little brother after him. Marcus Wright.

But that didnt give me what I wanted - only a constant reminder of someone who never got to be. And that is how my life has been so far. Just constant reminders of someone who never got to be.

I wanted to find someone. A marriage. A relationship with someone that would last. Someone that would treat me right........you know all that crap that people make millions for writing about. Instead I got bruised physically and emotionally. But life did come out of this situation. My daughter. Beautiful. Full of Life. Smart. Wise beyond her years. Everything that I am not.

Now I find myself neck deep in a life that I dont understand - dont like - dont understand - dont want to be in - aimless. Shiftless. I wish sometimes that God would just go ahead and take me now. But then how would he get the Glory out of a life that has been wasted.

So what's a girl to do? Maybe therein lies the problem. Im still a girl with problems of a woman.

The Beginning of the End

So I knew it was over for me when my daughter decided to take it upon herself and record what she saw on an infomercial - she was just trying to help me out - bless her heart. The thing with children that is so special and sweet is their honesty, innocence and unconditional love for their parents. So my baby girl - the doll that she is just wants the best for me - she wants me to best mommy that I can be even though at times I feel like strangling myself..........but she got me to pay attention to something that has been on my mind for the last two weeks..........my butt.......and the immenseness of if. Oh God how I dread this.........you know the whole scale thing and actually looking at myself in the mirror.........most of the time I look something like that below......all confused as to how that staring back at me could possibly classify itself as a twenty-something year old wife and mother.

So what is a mom to do........heed her daughters advice? Or take insult and tell my daughter that she talks too much? Oh wait I didnt tell yall what she gave me.......THE NOTE.



Apparently.........I need to lose weight. OH GOD I SAID IT...........AND I FEEL WRETCH-ED. I mean is there a such thing as reverse anorexia? No offense to anyone - but I dont think Im THAT much overweight........yes I had a child and losing that baby weight is difficult - unless you are one of the Hollywood elite.........and it has been 7 years..........but hey 8 is a number of completion so maybe this is the time for me to finish something I started 7 years ago. So even though I just ate an ice cream sandwich - oh hush - I am going to suck it up and go ahead and bite the chocolate bullet and go on a diet. FINE THEN. Anyone want to join me........................