Nag Diaries 34.6 - You've Earned 3 Minutes of Uninterrupted Face Time

Short of throwing 2 of the 4 pillows on my bed at the back of my sudd-muffins head, I instead just blurted out, "You have earned 3 minutes of uninterrupted face time - with me."  Inside, my eyes were closed tight and I was saying, please do it, please do it baby.

Him: "Three minutes?  Three minutes??"

Me: Yes

Sudd-muffin:  Ok.

He did it.  He put down the controller.  I got my android phone and set my stopwatch app for 3 minutes.  Laid down on the bed we both did.  Face to face we lay and commenced to stare at each other intently.  For 3 minutes.

The laughter bubbled up and out of me at the ridiculousness of this spur of the moment exercise.  We stared.  He made comments about the gray spots I have on my eyes.  I made comments about his nose and his wonderfully cleft chin.  

We were studying each other so intently that I didn't here the stopwatch go off.

I snatched up my phone thinking that stupid app didn't work.  It did.  The minutes passed so quickly that they were over before we knew it.   We went in for another 3 minutes.

This time we were silent.  It was different.  I liked it.  He was actually looking at me.  He was seeing me.

You may think I am crazy and no way this married couple actually did this.  Ha - oh yes the heck we did.  I love my hubby.  I want our marriage to go the distance.  If that means coming up with dumb 3 minute exercises - then so be it.  

That 6 minutes was the longest time he has spent looking at my face since we stood at the alter.

Nag Diaries 78.9 - Return of the Ghost Blog Entry

I thought this was gone - but for some reason, it just popped right back up!

I don't like talking about my personal life, too much.  Especially my marriage.  But if there is something that I am going through that someone else may be experiencing, then it may be worth it.

At this stage in my marriage, I am experiencing some MOL tension.  We have moved to Mississippi.  I broke down and agreed.  The MOL is down here to help my sudd-muffins aunt.  That is another story though.  We moved into our apartment - a 3 bedroom and the MOL has laid claim to our extra bedroom.  

Don't get me wrong.  My MOL is WONDERFUL.  GREAT.  She has helped out so much - *cluck.  But sometimes, it's like, my sudd-muffin likes being around her more than me, his wife.  She can ask him to go to the store and he jumps right up, like sure, Mom, when do you want to leave?

Or, Son, can you iron this for me or what do you want for dinner?  

Now if I ask him to go to the store, it is more of a, "God, I don't feel like doing anything right now..."  If he is going to the store, I say, "Can I come with?" -  like a hopeful little, starved puppy - I just want to spend time with him - His response, "No, I just want to go and come back."  But let his mom say, oh, can I come with you?  SURE MOM, lets go!

All of my requests are met with deep manly sighs and exasperated shoulder heaving.  What did I do?  You married me.  We have had two miscarriages.  I have put up with your crap for 5 years.  I have stood by you and your crap for five years.  Sat and watched you waste hours in front of the Xbox and choked back complaints of laziness. 

Is my company that bad?  Am I really that uninteresting to just spend time around.  Or are men just really that selfish?

I see why marriages don't last - LAZINESS.  People don't want to work on the marriage but just have sex.  But even that takes work.  I mean, when I think about it, the sex is the highlight of the marriage - it's never bad.....ever.  Dang.  That's.....weird.  Hmmm....but I don't care about sex.  Well I don't care about it when I am not caring about it.  Get it?  

This is making me crazy.  I know I shouldn't compare what my husband does for his mother but any wife would expect her husband do even the little things.  Is that really too much to ask?  Do I really sign like a whiny, nagging wife right now?

Whatever then.

Nag Diaries 76.9 - MOL/Have Time, Will Travel - NaBloPoMo

So, I guess my first attempt at this post was a little harsh and I got God-smacked.  How can you type for like 15 mins and blogger not auto-save???? 

It just popped right back up!

Original blog post gone.  So irritated right now.  Don't feel like writing.  So here we go.

Marriage.  MOL.  No Wife Attention.  More MOL attention.  Exasperated.  Pissed. Lonely.  MOL need to leave.  She's great but need to leave. Spend time with me. That Xbox get's more action than our bed.  Sucketh. You. Do.  Arggggg. 

WANTED: Girlfriends in the Gulfcoast area.  Age 27 and up. Gossip and trash talk included.  Must pray, you know for all the trash talking - we have to repent.  Must be married or have been married.  Single women wont help me.  They will just make me envy them.  Must love food, movies, travel.  I want to travel. Let's travel.  I may run away.

Note: MOL= Mother-in-Law

Nag Diaries 78.2 - Marriage Strudel

I am a manipulator.  You have to be when you get married.  Manipulation is not all bad.  There is good manipulation, selfish manipulation, sexual manipulation, financial manipulation - all kinds.  I am a master manipulator.  I thought I was rather good at it until I met my husband.  No, I am not talking about the bad manipulation to get people to do what you want but the little wife tricks to draw the husband in - the harmless manipulation.


He is the king of manipulation reversal.    He doesn't care if we spend time together.  He doesn't care if I happen to appreciate how another man looks.  He doesn't care if I leave for hours without a call.  Doesn't really matter.  Nothing really matters except Wrestling, MMA and Xbox - the 3 Kings.  He also doesn't hang around Jealousy avenue.  I take that back. 


He got jealous.  Once.  He met the man I was dating right before we met.  Shawn.  Shawn had big muscles and was well groomed.  Shawn was a cutie pie.  The sudd-muffin didn't like Shawn.  Oh boy he was soooo jealous.  It was exciting.


I believe he likes when I leave in one of my fits of anger.  He has free time to do what he wants without me, the wife, asking for his attention.  It's a win-win situation for him.  If I say I am going out, there is no response.  I can almost hear the wheels turning in his head, calculating how much lazy time he will have to play video games and just bum it.  Ha!  And I thought I was really getting his goat.  Wrong.  He got mine and milked that sucker dry.


So day after day, I send the signals and put out the layers of my marriage strudel, hoping he will bite.  Layers stretched so thin you can almost see through em'.  


He hates pie and tarts anyway so what was I expecting.  He told me about a week ago he wasn't happy but he didn't want to be here, in Mississippi, without me.  


I think he is lying.  He has everything he needs here.  His family, old friends, old territory, old memories.  I don't really add anything to the mix.  It's like once I finally agreed to move to Mississippi, all the promises and expectations stayed in Texas - along with my $1k camera.  


It was all just talk.  


My strudel is stuffed.  I cook for him.  He says, hey thanks.  I fill my marriage with understanding.  I stuff it with tiny steps of patience.  


I ignore being ignored or being passed over for the Xbox.  I even ask if I can play too.  Nothing ever comes of that.  I pray.  Not for him but one of those, Lord change me prayers. Help me to understand that yes, I am being a bitch - excuse me, Lord forgive me.  


Help me to understand that no, my husband has no idea what the word cherish means unless we are talking about his Star Wars memorabilia.  Help me to understand me.  


I have gotten over the sexy women on TV.  I don't care how they look or if he is looking.  Doesn't really matter to me anymore.  I don't even care if he is looking at porn on the internet anymore.  He can deal with that devil.  I could give a pigs trough what I look like either.  It's not like he actually sees me anyway.  Not really.  I am invisible.  Everything is invisible.


My marriage strudel still sits here.  Untouched.  Festering.  Rotting.  Waiting for me to toss it out for the day and start anew tomorrow.


I should go shopping.

Nag Diaries - Top 10 Things I Learned While Packing

1. That old box of books sitting in the garage has been food for the moths.
2. KEEP YOUR ALLEN WRENCHES!
3. Dont have a quickie in your now empty but staple, tack and screw laced bedroom floor.
4. Lock the door if you do so.
5. Dont pack all of your clothes if you are not sure of what day you will actually leave.
6. Same goes for clean underwear.
7. Don't let your husband pack.  That box with no label and taped up neatly is full of trash.
8. Your 10 year old REALLY doesn't need ALL of those stuffed animal toys.
9. Husbands who are not caprentry inclined should stay AWAY from taking furniture apart.
10. If all else fails and you have too much crap to put on your truck, craiglist it.

Nag Diaries - Selfishness

Selfishness and Ways Husbands Diffuse Angry Wives


annnnnnnnd  ACTION*


Wife thinks, yay, leftovers!!!  Stomps to fridge after long day of work, looks for said leftovers - Orange Chicken to be exact - shuffles numerous bowls around in fridge......NO LEFTOVERS - The sudd muffin struck again.
cut to M.T.A next (marriage texting argument)


Me:  Did you eat ALL the orange chicken??


Sudd-Muffin:  There wasn't very much left.  Hey you know you cute right?
Me: **anger fizzles like a wet firecracker**  You had me at cute. blows Android Kiss via text


Slowly drifts away in lal-la land and pours a bowl of cereal instead.

Nag Diaries 45.6 - Closet knighting and Kitchen bathrooms - My Top 6

1. Toilet seat down but no toilet paper cause it's STILL sitting in the hallway where he left it.
2. Dishes in the dishrack (because, yay, he washed them) but more dishes in BOTH sides of the sink because he used those before he left and I (wifey) am the unpaid maid.
3. Those sheets don't smell like butt crack and armpits for nothing.  I WASH THEM.
4. Two corners of our room have been knighted as a closet.  Shoes, socks & clothes trail the room leading to the "closets".  I clean the closets out 4 times a week.
5. I bought laundry baskets so I wouldn't have to clean out the closets 4 times a week. They are empty. And dusty.

6. Our master bathroom has an alter ego by the name of "kitchen".  The dishes that were left in both sides of the sink, that the maid washes, came from the kitchen in the master bathroom.

Nag Diaries - HO HUM....SAME OLE...TATTERED DRUM

And the beat goes on.  I found another one last night.  Another remnant of one humans weakness.  It lodged in the back of my throat and slowly made it's trek down, slashing jagged holes in my esophagus as it went - allowing all the air to escape from my lungs.  I couldn't breath. Again.

God I am so embarrassed to even talk about this. 
I want to talk about it but then I would be exposing the darkest, saddest place of my marriage to people I know and don't know.  I have to believe I am not the only one.  In fact, I KNOW I am not the only one.  But dang.  Shoot!  Crap.  The forks are still missing by the way. 

I don't think I can do it. 

What I can say is, I hate it.  The knowing.  The feeling that I am may be reliving 2009 and my Waiting to Exhale - Angela Bassett moment.  God - it hurts.  I don't know what it is with him.  I think I am an AWESOME wife.  I bust my butt.  I support 100%.  I am the most understanding woman you wanna get into an argument with.......oh God - their back.

Low Self Esteem and Self-pity just barged right on in through that open door.  Ok, this is me shooing them right back out or did they not get the memo?

I am home by myself today.  I worked for a while.  I washed my hair and slicked it back into a puff ball pony.  I'm still going bald but not willing to shear everything off again.  I feel good though without my hat.  Now I sit here about to shove some pizza down the pie hole and.....do what?  yeah.  I thought so.

NAG DIARIES - ****NEWS FLASH*****

I had to sit down on my break and blog.  Oh my goodness. I cant breathe.  Wait....hold....on.....there it is.  Breath.  My sudd-muffin.  My suff-muffin.  He died.  I cannot believe it.  My prayers have been answered.  He died to the old Garrett and was reborn the New Sudd Muffin.

***Dream sequences goes here***

The first time I write a check at any grocery store - WALMART - it bounced.  Not because we didn't have the money but because Chase picks and chooses when they want things to post.  Devils they are.  I was pissed.  It irritated me.  I knew I shouldn't have wrote that check but noooooooo, I never bring my debit card with me because I don't want to spend money. 

Anyway, here is the sudd-muffin, cute as can be, not arguing, not fussing or cussing at the fact that we are broke and bank account overdrawn.  God is still good. 

He tells me, don't worry about it. 
We will have money, give me a coffee kiss. 
WHAT???  I took 2 steps back and asked him, "Where is my husband and what have you done with him?"
His response:  I'm not going to worry about what we don't have.

I was shocked and at a loss for words.  These were MY WORDS VERBATIM.  Upchucked from some crevice of his mind where he stores stuff that he actually takes in from me.  I couldn't  believe he actually said that.  Are we making progress???  Baby steps...baby steps

Nag Diaries - PMS Day 2

The dishes were still there.  Uggggggghhhhhhh!!  Not only were they still there - they were piled up in the sink.  Que-eva.  Now on to the rest of my day and the food portion of my powdered mustard seed plan (I said I would cook more).


I made breakfast for everyone - including the sudd-muffin.  Didnt say nothing about the dishes and just did them myself.  So much easier.  I even made the sudd-muffins lunch and I was actually happy about it.  Maybe we have been having so many issues being married because I wasnt participating in the marriage.  Doing these things actually made me feel good about being "wifely"  - go figure. 

Lunch!
I made lunch for the baby girl. I had a couple of scientists really interested in the contents of my refrigerator - particularly interested in some cherry tomatoes, cucumber and a mango.  I had to get rid of them so, SALAD it was along with breaded chicken patty sandwiches and orange slices.

Ingredients
1 old cucumber
Some old cherry tomatoes (pick out the bad ones)
1 mango (or any fruit you have on hand, preferably something like pineapple)
Cut up the veggies in small pieces and toss them in a bowl.

Eyeball the following ingredients

salt

pepper

lemon juice

sugar

balsamic vinegar

olive oil

Whisk together all the ingredients, taste, add more sugar and pour over veggies/mango and toss.  Voila!  I had a pretty picture of the actual food that was plated but........as I went to put some ketchup on my sandwich, it squirted out all over my sandwich, salad and orange slices......so.  Yeah. That's all I got there.

Moving on to my health portion - I was tired.  Really tired but I made myself get up and take my daughter for a walk down our little neighborhood path to the man-made lake.  We brought old sourdough bread for the duckies (I really must clean out my fridge and pantry more often).  It was a gorgeous day today and there were a lot of kids out.  It's funny how a little old bread can bring both kid and ducks flocking.

For dinner I cooked baked tilapia with garlic butter sauce, rice pilaf and broccoli. 

 Annnnnddddd - CAKE!!!

 
Me and the sudd-muffin spoke.  He grabbed me real quick for a kiss and a hug.....didn't know what to think of that so I just went with it.  I think my plan may be working....so thank you lord for Day 2 of the rest of my life. 

Nag Diary 11.0 - Powdered Mustard Seed

I got this inkling or ephipany in regards to powdered mustard seed after reading a good mommas Secret Mommy-hood Saturday Confession entry about her struggle with God and being angry at him. I understood all too well the confusion and anger. I don’t want to be confused and angry anymore. Having faith of a mustard seed is hard work. Even for such a tiny amount as a mustard seed.


Lately I have felt like all I have is mustard seed powder that has been slowly blowing away in the wind with every trial and tribulation I have had these last 2 years. But thank God for Kim. I am gathering up my mustard seed powder and trying to season up my faith, life, marriage, mommyhood, outlook and spirit with it.

So this is how my PMS plan (wait, PMS? that's just great - not intentional at all) for day one panned out....


Wee hours of 02-26-11
Driving home from the hospital, I get to house, sudd-muffin leaves me sitting in the car. mind you - its 1230am and DUH - I just got out of the hospital and feel like stir-fried crap. I went straight to the shower and fought hard not to cry.

I'm not gonna cry. It hurts. You might have to just walk away from this NayLahKnee. You and babygirl will be fine. What reason do I have to stay anyway???? Don’t cry. Don’t cry. Darn it - *sticks face under shower spray*

We argued when I got out of the shower. Same nag diary, different day. I told him I wasn't sure if I still wanted to be married to him. He left to sleep downstairs on the couch. Felt like an ass afterwards. He got up in the morning. Got ready for work. Told me in so many words he was leaving and left.

I prayed real hard that morning. I didn’t know what else to do. Lord, if this marriage is to be then, show me what to do. Matter fact, I'm not going to do anything unless it comes from you. NO bickering, no nagging, no anger - nothing. So I got up. Cleaned up cause the house was a mess. I'm not nagging. It just was. Made my babygirl and I breakfast. Washed the dishes and almost fell out from exertion.

3 hrs later:
Txt from Sudd-Muffin: how are u?
Me: I’m good. I didn’t get to say goodbye to you this morning so I hope you are having a good day. (that’s right, kill'em with kindness *smirk*)
Sudd-Muffin: You too
Me: I am making Tilapia for dinner. Would you like yours fried or Cajun style?
Sudd-muffin: I’m havin chili dogs
Sudd-muffin: I never got my chili dogs
Me: ok. we can have chili dogs then and I will cook tilapia tomorrow.
Sudd-muffin: There is a box of rice pilaf in the very back of the cabinet behind some stuff if you want
Sudd-Muffin: We got potatoes?
Me: I dunno. I have to look
{one hour later}
Sudd-Muffin: Potato?
Sudd-Muffin: Do I need to go to the store after work? for chips or fries or something..
Sudd-Muffin: Oh yeah, DONT TOUCH my cookies
Me: You can get chips or fries. Whatever u want
Me: WHAT COOKIES??????
Sudd-Muffin: Don’t worry about MY cookies {so random}Sudd-Muffin: Do we have potatoes?
Me: Yes. For what? {I never looked}
Sudd-Muffin: Fries


That was it. No sorry for last night or I love you or take it easy I will cook when I get home - nothing. I'm not nagging.


Sudd-muffin arrives at 530pm and crashes on the couch. Dead sleep. I start taking out dinner fixins quietly. I make everyone’s plate. We all trudge upstairs and eat dinner in front of the TV watching DVR'd Nikita and Vampire diaries. Sudd-muffin says thanks and leaves the room. I gather up plates and go downstairs. Sudd-muffin is on the PC playing MMA Wars on facebook. I see Red. Red sees me and sticks his tongue out - there goes some more powdered mustard seed in the wind.


Tears well up in my chest. I plug them up with a dirty old snotty tissue and put all the dishes in the sink and quietly go back upstairs to bed. He'll wash the dishes.....


Day 1 down - the rest of my life to go.

Nag Diaries 10.3 - Nags from the ER/Hospital Visit.

Being in the hospital is not a pretty sight. I don't wear a lot of makeup so the only thing in my purse was some cherry chapstick - yikes! Work with ya got. Cherry chapstick does provide SOME color.

Although one of my 5 things to do before you go to the ER was to bring a hat or a wig, I brought a sleek wig with me (which works for me because I'm going bald). It was the only one I had that didn't look like the bushes in my front yard.

Unfortunately, wigs if I wear them too long give me a headache and with the many visitors & voyeurs alike, the buckwheat look wasn't my first choice -even if he is a distant cousin.

So I sent the sudd-muffin to buy me a scarf from the gift shop. He brought back a beautiful purple and black rectangle scarf. I tied that baby around my head so quick and Voilà, instant headdress.

Now for my clothing. Can't really do much with my hospital gown but they have one thing going for them: snap buttons down each sleeve. I unsnapped the button closest to my neck and bingo bango - an off the shoulder look!

I'm working it right?  Well that's all I could do with what I had - tell me what ya think!  Is this utterly PA-THE-TIC????  SMH...

Nag Diary 10.0 - Nags from the ER/Hospital Visit. Pre-Visit

5 things to do before/during your ER visit:

1. If you don't have time to shower change your drawers!
2. Wear a clean bra. More thank likely you'll be takin it off but if you can't go braless like me, bundle Mona  & Lisa up! (Yes mine have names...)
3. Fix your hair or throw on a wig or a hat.
4. Ask for FEMALE nurses - they understand. Don't ask.
5. When the cute tech comes to stick the EKG sensors on you, lift up your own boobs.

Nag Diaries 15.3 - Click, Click….

Picture This

Give it a guess – I dare ya!

Animal Farm

7 Pieces of Joy

Throw Back Toys (saw this at Target this past Christmas)

Nag Diary Hiatus

I need time to think about my life, my health, my heart, my marriage and how they all tie into my blog.....if anyone has any recommendations for folks who can revamp my blog let me know.  I dont have a lot of money but this is pseudo important to me.


Thanks

Nag Diary 11.2

Nothing really special to blog about today.  Still in recovery.  Still sore.  Still semi-lost with what I want to do with the rest of my life.  Sometimes I feel like I'm going in circles. 

Time Warner Cable showed up at my house, unannounced - courtesy of my job.  Moving one step closer to working at home.  I have a desk in my office but I want a bigger desk so I have been perusing craigslist.com for desk.  I think I found one but this person keeps giving me the runaround so may have to start looking again.



From  http://www.nesfoundation.com/

 My baby girl is growing so fast! We need more time in the day.  I really wish they had a kids kickball league in this area.  I would love to get her involved in kickball.  I loved kickball growing up and it seems these days, kids cant do anything at school anymore or it gets hocked up to bullying, meanness or reducing kids down to mediocrity.  That's evident in school field day events where EVERYONE gets a ribbon. 

What a crock of hooey! 

Where is the competitive edge?  Everything has gone down the drain because the kids that were picked last in elementary school have grown up to become psychologists and relate to everyone that these games/events are no good for our children.  So now we have a generation of whining, mediocre, underachievers who always win something.  Maybe I'm being too harsh but I always believed if you have a Gym Teacher who doesn't allow these things to happen in class, it eliminates the problems. 

I remember going to school with a boy named Peter who was the best football athlete in 5 grade.  He was cool.  He always picked the people who sucked because he actually cared about folks being picked last.  At least that is what I decided what the reason was.  Where do you think he learned this from?  His gym teacher? NO.  His parents? Just maybe. 

If we want our kids to grow then we have to show them HOW to show compassion and how to root for the underdog so to speak; then being picked last will have no power.  I have always cheered for the underdog.  I have always smiled at the new kid, sat by them, invited them to sit with me because I was the underdog.  I was the new kid.  I was picked on for being black, for being smart, for having a big nose and lips.  It never ended.  But what I am thankful for is a grandmother who didn't allow those things to affect my outlook on people.  So I tell my daughter all the time, don't let your classmates pick on you or anyone else, YOU be the catalyst for change if that is happening, YOU be the one that makes someone feel better about themselves and don't worry if you are not rewarded for it. 

As for the folks that pick on her, that is another story for another day.

Nag Diaries - The Sudd Muffin

I did say on yesterday that I would post why I call the hubby my Sudd-Muffin - well here is why....

Nag Diary - 7.3 - Now where was that Post when I needed it?

I'm referring to Jen over at Prior Fat Girl. I was so happy with her Falling off the Wagon post.  I really needed it & I was so down on myself because of yesterdays eating choices.  But you know what - it is ALL good.  I usually don't pay much attention to my binging habits because I am too busy eating*.  But now that I think about it - I have been down because of my birthday.  It was hard this year - I mean nothing to whine about but it was still hard for me - personally. 

I decided to take this journey of purification because I wanted to be reborn.  I also wanted to quit talking about it & BE about it like some of these other wonderful ladies.  Like Syl at LIVE, SMILE, RUN or Missy at the Ups and Downs of Losing Weight....just two new blogs I am so proud to be subscribed to.  I don't have a lot of money to buy little gifts for giveaways to get readers to read my blog.  But what I do have is respect for these women and creativity to show them that respect......so this is for you Jen, Syl and Missy!

Nag Diaries 9.5 - Dedicated to the One that Loves Me

I never stop to think that maybe my hubby really does "think" about the stuff he does to me or says to me and how I may feel but I guess yesterday he was really thinking hard cause he sent me this song - edited of course to fit me from my perspective.  I was at work when he sent this to me and almost started bawling.....this is how I feel sometimes because we are still learning about each other and learning how to be husband and wife.  It is not easy.

I LOVE YOU SUDD-MUFFIN!  Stay tuned and I will reveal WHY my hubby is my sudd-muffin....coming manana!

Date: Tue, 15 Feb 2011 12:24:39 -0800

From: garrett_madden@xxxxxxxx

Subject: Make ya feel like this sometimes...I'm sorry:(

To: ME!!

Loving you, is killing me

When you know it should be thrilling me
Loving you, is choking me slowly
When I'm with you I still feel real lowly
Loving you, is busting me
You don't ever put your trust in me
Loving you, should mean that I'm your queen
You don't make me feel like anything

CHORUS

Now I never knew you'd be so evil
How did you get to be so evil boy

Now you telling me, that I'm bad to you
You don't know what you’re talking 'bout boy

Hear me when I say
You can't just do whatever you want, boy

Loving you, is killing me
When you know it should fulfill me
Loving you, is aching me sadly
You know that it should make me happy
Loving you, isn’t worth all the suffering
In return you never give me nothing
Here's the news about loving you
Well it's something that I used to do
Loving you, is killing me
When you know it should be building me
Loving you, is holding me back
Why the hell you make me feel like that

 

Nag Diaries - 5.3 - Conquering the Monkey Bars

Yesterday, I took my daughter on a walk in our neighborhood.  We actually have a nice neighborhood with a walking path & man-made lake and stream.  There were ducks everywhere. 
We walked until the path ended at the neighborhood playground.  Nothing spectacular about this playground.
 Just 4 swings two climbing areas with slides and – a set of monkey bars.  The big shadow is me – ha!

I loved monkey bars when I was a kid.  I even loved that little round metal bar shaped like a rectangle and drilled directly into the ground.  I would balance on that thing on my butt and then swing backwards with the back of my knees hugging the bar – around and around.  Some kids would even tie their sweaters around their waste and to the bar to swing around without the aid of your knees. 
Back to the monkey bars. 
At my school in Scottsdale, AZ, we had a nice jungle gym, swing monkey bar play area.  We had a set of monkey bars connected to the slide as well as metal rings that faced the monkey bars.  I would swing on the rings, just until I got the right height and momentum and let go to fly over to the monkey bars, catch it and monkey my way to the end and repeat.  I was fearless and not afraid to try anything.
Yesterday at the park, my daughter wanted to try the monkey bars.  Now she’s nine so, I thought monkey bars would be easy.  She couldn’t even swing.  She tried twice more than gave up – all the while complaining and whining about it. 
I was dumbfounded.  She’s nine and was afraid to try the monkey bars.  She was scared.  It made me realize how sheltered and out of shape she is.  For 6 years of her life we lived in a one bedroom duplex.  This place was smaller than my current master bedroom/bath and closet put together.  We slept on a sofa bed for 6 years.  I rarely let her go outside because of the neighborhood we lived in.  I mean, our neighbors were gangbangers and THEY watched out for us.  I was always too tired to take her to the park because I worked full time and went to school full time – trying to make a life for her.
This is the result.  She is afraid to try and quick to give up.  I don’t understand.  I am not that way.  I pushed and pushed while I was pregnant with her and after to..……or maybe I really “didn't”.  I just never realized it and it has rubbed off on her.  That makes me sick to my stomach.  It also makes me want to get rid of a lot of stuff in our lives that are not enriching it.  That’s hard to do when you’re married to “The Resistance”. 

I got up to exercise today after sitting on my bed for 45 minutes crying about Aiden and feeling just blah.  I finally got up and decided to exercise.  I invited my daughter to join me.  It was a mess.  I couldn’t even exercise for her whining and complaining.  What they heck is going on???  Did I raise my daughter up to this point to whine and complain.  NO SIR I DIDN’T.  So now I am perplexed on how to get her out of this….funk.  Any ideas???  Anyone?