The Nag Diaries 2.0 - The D word

It has been a minute since I last blogged.....things are going great. I am working, my granny is working, my husband is working two jobs and he just got promoted to Captain/Supervisor position. You'd think I would be happier.......Im not. I couldnt even get excited about his promotion.....I dont want to be married anymore. One year and 6 months in and I would rather be by myself. I am tired of the lonliness, the sadness, the hurt the bitterness. I dont want to be a married bitter woman. Wishing I could meet someone else that will pay attention to me and adore me the way I adore them. True I am not innocent in this - lately the only thing I can think of whenever he is sharp with me is what an a-hole he is.....but would my reactions be the same if I didnt feel so disrespected and treated like an after-thought? What kind of marriage is this?

Men have this way of thinking that just because they are working - then everything should be fine - that they are doing more than enough. I mean what else would we want them to do?? I hate it. I dont like this marriage and I am pretty sure I am a coward when it comes to the suicidal thoughts so I would rather just be by myself. I can hack it- I have for 5 years until I met Garrett. I look at our wedding pictures often and just wish I can have some of that joy and elation that we had on that day. I wrote about this before........no one takes pictures of the not so happy days....no one has a mantle full of unsmiling families......only beautiful smiles that exude fantasy happiness - the Picture Frame Marriage is what I call it. We want so much of what was in that framed wedding day photo but truth be told.......that was just one day.

One of my coworkers says she keeps a calendar and X's out all the days when she fell out with her husband or the days they had a bad day. She said that she would ask herself everyday if her husband was worth it - if push came to shove could she deal with the months that had maybe more X's......I ask myself that all the time - Can I deal?

I havent always had the best love life and I would swear I was bipolar. I thought that maybe getting married would kind of make things better - granted that wasnt the reason WHY I got married but I hoped that my husband and I would become better not bitter. I dont know. I try to imagine my life without my husband and I think - yep I could do it. Then I think about my daughter.

How much more of her life can I ruin or make worse? How is that fair to her? But what about me? How can I be a good mother to her when I cant even have my joy? Im tired and empty. I dont want to get a divorce but everytime I think about it - something in my mind says leave him and get it over with - and then God steps in and tells me to have patience........but why? Why do I have to wait until he grows up? Why is it that a man never fully understands what he has UNTIL he loses it? Why cant they just see it right while they are in it? It's not fair. It hurts and the pain is nagging......is this the way my husband feels when I nag him? That it just wont go away? Irritated? Angry? Upset? Fed Up??

Guess it really doesnt matter huh.....going to bed now. By myself because my husband is more comfortable on the floor without me interupting his sleep with my arm around him..........what a sorry piece of mess I have.


Toodles....

The Nag Diaries 1.7 - The Big Tiff

Ok - it was bad. We had a fight. Today started off really good. I got up, made breakfast for my hub and daughter. But I just couldnt let it go.......the loneliness I have been feeling, the neglect, the anger that I had pent up inside - all came tumbling out with 9 words. I brought up that dreadful video game again.......boy did he blow up at me......

Gezz: "I will NEVER stop playing my game - I was playing before I met
you and I wont stop"
Me: "Then I dont want to be with you anymore."
Gezz: Fine! %@#! this #$%!.......Im sick of you nagging
anyways........(something to that affect)
Me: Standing there completely dumbfounded with dishwater suds dripping on the floor. In shock. I cant believe I said that to him.....

It was horrible. I dont even want to think about it but I have to write about it. I found him upstairs in our closet...that is our home away from home - it is like seperate room - it is a seperate room. Anyway there he was, packing. Always packing. He wanted to leave. I wouldnt let him until he calmed down.

I didnt know. I didnt know how much he was hurting to. I didnt know. I didnt know how much this was affecting him. I didnt know. All I knew was that I was hurting and he needed to hurt too - and he was. I just didnt know.

He broke his Xbox game in anger......you would think I would be happy about that but it only made things worse.

We decided to just go ahead and call it quits. I am depressed, physically sick and tired all the time........we sat in our closet for almost an hour and a half. Talking, crying, fussing, blaming - never once did we stop and say let's pray. Man is this what the bible talks about in terms of marriage? Is this how Eve felt when she went ahead and bit that apple because her husband wasnt paying attention to her at the time? Eve, how could you. And now we have this.....

We talked. We worked it out. I poured out my feelings once again and this time he really listened. He made me punch him a couple of times too to get the aggression out......I hate violence but it did make me feel better to sock something... I wanted to make up in the only way married people can but leave it to my hubby to be such a man - he had to take "a dump".....(rolls eyes)

So why am I writing all this?? I dont know. I want our marriage to work - truly I do. But sometimes, I have to ask myself, is it all worth it?