Nag Diaries - HO HUM....SAME OLE...TATTERED DRUM

And the beat goes on.  I found another one last night.  Another remnant of one humans weakness.  It lodged in the back of my throat and slowly made it's trek down, slashing jagged holes in my esophagus as it went - allowing all the air to escape from my lungs.  I couldn't breath. Again.

God I am so embarrassed to even talk about this. 
I want to talk about it but then I would be exposing the darkest, saddest place of my marriage to people I know and don't know.  I have to believe I am not the only one.  In fact, I KNOW I am not the only one.  But dang.  Shoot!  Crap.  The forks are still missing by the way. 

I don't think I can do it. 

What I can say is, I hate it.  The knowing.  The feeling that I am may be reliving 2009 and my Waiting to Exhale - Angela Bassett moment.  God - it hurts.  I don't know what it is with him.  I think I am an AWESOME wife.  I bust my butt.  I support 100%.  I am the most understanding woman you wanna get into an argument with.......oh God - their back.

Low Self Esteem and Self-pity just barged right on in through that open door.  Ok, this is me shooing them right back out or did they not get the memo?

I am home by myself today.  I worked for a while.  I washed my hair and slicked it back into a puff ball pony.  I'm still going bald but not willing to shear everything off again.  I feel good though without my hat.  Now I sit here about to shove some pizza down the pie hole and.....do what?  yeah.  I thought so.

NAG DIARIES - ****NEWS FLASH*****

I had to sit down on my break and blog.  Oh my goodness. I cant breathe.  Wait....hold....on.....there it is.  Breath.  My sudd-muffin.  My suff-muffin.  He died.  I cannot believe it.  My prayers have been answered.  He died to the old Garrett and was reborn the New Sudd Muffin.

***Dream sequences goes here***

The first time I write a check at any grocery store - WALMART - it bounced.  Not because we didn't have the money but because Chase picks and chooses when they want things to post.  Devils they are.  I was pissed.  It irritated me.  I knew I shouldn't have wrote that check but noooooooo, I never bring my debit card with me because I don't want to spend money. 

Anyway, here is the sudd-muffin, cute as can be, not arguing, not fussing or cussing at the fact that we are broke and bank account overdrawn.  God is still good. 

He tells me, don't worry about it. 
We will have money, give me a coffee kiss. 
WHAT???  I took 2 steps back and asked him, "Where is my husband and what have you done with him?"
His response:  I'm not going to worry about what we don't have.

I was shocked and at a loss for words.  These were MY WORDS VERBATIM.  Upchucked from some crevice of his mind where he stores stuff that he actually takes in from me.  I couldn't  believe he actually said that.  Are we making progress???  Baby steps...baby steps

Nag Diary 11.0 - Powdered Mustard Seed

I got this inkling or ephipany in regards to powdered mustard seed after reading a good mommas Secret Mommy-hood Saturday Confession entry about her struggle with God and being angry at him. I understood all too well the confusion and anger. I don’t want to be confused and angry anymore. Having faith of a mustard seed is hard work. Even for such a tiny amount as a mustard seed.


Lately I have felt like all I have is mustard seed powder that has been slowly blowing away in the wind with every trial and tribulation I have had these last 2 years. But thank God for Kim. I am gathering up my mustard seed powder and trying to season up my faith, life, marriage, mommyhood, outlook and spirit with it.

So this is how my PMS plan (wait, PMS? that's just great - not intentional at all) for day one panned out....


Wee hours of 02-26-11
Driving home from the hospital, I get to house, sudd-muffin leaves me sitting in the car. mind you - its 1230am and DUH - I just got out of the hospital and feel like stir-fried crap. I went straight to the shower and fought hard not to cry.

I'm not gonna cry. It hurts. You might have to just walk away from this NayLahKnee. You and babygirl will be fine. What reason do I have to stay anyway???? Don’t cry. Don’t cry. Darn it - *sticks face under shower spray*

We argued when I got out of the shower. Same nag diary, different day. I told him I wasn't sure if I still wanted to be married to him. He left to sleep downstairs on the couch. Felt like an ass afterwards. He got up in the morning. Got ready for work. Told me in so many words he was leaving and left.

I prayed real hard that morning. I didn’t know what else to do. Lord, if this marriage is to be then, show me what to do. Matter fact, I'm not going to do anything unless it comes from you. NO bickering, no nagging, no anger - nothing. So I got up. Cleaned up cause the house was a mess. I'm not nagging. It just was. Made my babygirl and I breakfast. Washed the dishes and almost fell out from exertion.

3 hrs later:
Txt from Sudd-Muffin: how are u?
Me: I’m good. I didn’t get to say goodbye to you this morning so I hope you are having a good day. (that’s right, kill'em with kindness *smirk*)
Sudd-Muffin: You too
Me: I am making Tilapia for dinner. Would you like yours fried or Cajun style?
Sudd-muffin: I’m havin chili dogs
Sudd-muffin: I never got my chili dogs
Me: ok. we can have chili dogs then and I will cook tilapia tomorrow.
Sudd-muffin: There is a box of rice pilaf in the very back of the cabinet behind some stuff if you want
Sudd-Muffin: We got potatoes?
Me: I dunno. I have to look
{one hour later}
Sudd-Muffin: Potato?
Sudd-Muffin: Do I need to go to the store after work? for chips or fries or something..
Sudd-Muffin: Oh yeah, DONT TOUCH my cookies
Me: You can get chips or fries. Whatever u want
Me: WHAT COOKIES??????
Sudd-Muffin: Don’t worry about MY cookies {so random}Sudd-Muffin: Do we have potatoes?
Me: Yes. For what? {I never looked}
Sudd-Muffin: Fries


That was it. No sorry for last night or I love you or take it easy I will cook when I get home - nothing. I'm not nagging.


Sudd-muffin arrives at 530pm and crashes on the couch. Dead sleep. I start taking out dinner fixins quietly. I make everyone’s plate. We all trudge upstairs and eat dinner in front of the TV watching DVR'd Nikita and Vampire diaries. Sudd-muffin says thanks and leaves the room. I gather up plates and go downstairs. Sudd-muffin is on the PC playing MMA Wars on facebook. I see Red. Red sees me and sticks his tongue out - there goes some more powdered mustard seed in the wind.


Tears well up in my chest. I plug them up with a dirty old snotty tissue and put all the dishes in the sink and quietly go back upstairs to bed. He'll wash the dishes.....


Day 1 down - the rest of my life to go.

Nag Diary 10.1 - Nags from the ER/Hospital Visit

Courtesy of: Transfigure

So, I had to come back to the ER on 2/22 because I started having breathing problems. Doctor thought it would be best since I just had a Myomectomy (fibroid removal) on 2/17.

Here is the Run down Nag Diary style:


They sent me right back to an ER holding room where THREE, count em THREE male techs/nurses came to assist me.

They were good looking.

I had to take my shirt and bra off IN FRONT of said good looking men with my cute hubby helping me behind a hospital "t-shirt".

So the girls came happily bounding out with an unfolding flop - ahhh they're free - to my chagrin. The ekg tech commences to fit me with sensors all over the arms and Mona & Lisa. He has to actually lift and move.

I can just hear it if this was like that Movie The Invention of Lying.....

Tech: man this ladies boobs are HUGE!! Whoa! I hope your husband isn't mad (he was)

Nurse: I know & all I get to do is put on her wrist bracelet and hold the hospital gown up...damn!

Other..Nurse: I GET TO ACT LIKE IM NOT WATCHING!!
Me: if I lift Mona & Lisa up for you, there will be a full on view of my nipples.....so eh-neh - ain't gonna happen. {Groans inwardly and suffers in silence}
Sudd-muffin: That mutha@!#/! Man what the heck are you doing? Really??? Really NayLahKnee??

I couldn't look. The sudd-muffin was beet red from embarrassment and envy cause we are on married couples tango hiatus due to the surgery and the beef armed tech managed to keep a straight face whilst visiting MCA ER room 18s' booby bar where "fondling is for the free".

It was all really funny in hindsight and that was just the first hour and a half.

Nag Diary 10.2 - Nags from the ER/Hospital Visit.

For those of you that don't know, I LOVE HOSPITAL FOOD!
Seriously. Don't roll your eyes or twist your mouth up in a mock "ewwwww". I have my reasons.
Here are they are:

1. They feed you three times a day


2. The meals are dietarily correct meaning the meals are square!


3. YOU don't have to cook it.


4. If you pay attention, you get FREE lessons on portion control, what it "looks" like AND food pairings.


5. If you eat hospital food day after day (depending on time spent in hospital) you start to notice you actually are FULL and have no cravings.

Unless of course they have you on steroids. For asthma. Like me.

I'm a comment junkie and I WAS in the hospital. I'm playing on your sympathies, so leave a comment.

Nag Diary - 7.3 - Now where was that Post when I needed it?

I'm referring to Jen over at Prior Fat Girl. I was so happy with her Falling off the Wagon post.  I really needed it & I was so down on myself because of yesterdays eating choices.  But you know what - it is ALL good.  I usually don't pay much attention to my binging habits because I am too busy eating*.  But now that I think about it - I have been down because of my birthday.  It was hard this year - I mean nothing to whine about but it was still hard for me - personally. 

I decided to take this journey of purification because I wanted to be reborn.  I also wanted to quit talking about it & BE about it like some of these other wonderful ladies.  Like Syl at LIVE, SMILE, RUN or Missy at the Ups and Downs of Losing Weight....just two new blogs I am so proud to be subscribed to.  I don't have a lot of money to buy little gifts for giveaways to get readers to read my blog.  But what I do have is respect for these women and creativity to show them that respect......so this is for you Jen, Syl and Missy!

Nag Diaries 9.5 - Dedicated to the One that Loves Me

I never stop to think that maybe my hubby really does "think" about the stuff he does to me or says to me and how I may feel but I guess yesterday he was really thinking hard cause he sent me this song - edited of course to fit me from my perspective.  I was at work when he sent this to me and almost started bawling.....this is how I feel sometimes because we are still learning about each other and learning how to be husband and wife.  It is not easy.

I LOVE YOU SUDD-MUFFIN!  Stay tuned and I will reveal WHY my hubby is my sudd-muffin....coming manana!

Date: Tue, 15 Feb 2011 12:24:39 -0800

From: garrett_madden@xxxxxxxx

Subject: Make ya feel like this sometimes...I'm sorry:(

To: ME!!

Loving you, is killing me

When you know it should be thrilling me
Loving you, is choking me slowly
When I'm with you I still feel real lowly
Loving you, is busting me
You don't ever put your trust in me
Loving you, should mean that I'm your queen
You don't make me feel like anything

CHORUS

Now I never knew you'd be so evil
How did you get to be so evil boy

Now you telling me, that I'm bad to you
You don't know what you’re talking 'bout boy

Hear me when I say
You can't just do whatever you want, boy

Loving you, is killing me
When you know it should fulfill me
Loving you, is aching me sadly
You know that it should make me happy
Loving you, isn’t worth all the suffering
In return you never give me nothing
Here's the news about loving you
Well it's something that I used to do
Loving you, is killing me
When you know it should be building me
Loving you, is holding me back
Why the hell you make me feel like that

 

Nag Diary 9.6 - The Storm

I am going through a lot right now. I don't think I have ever thought about suicide so much in my ENTIRE life. I don't understand. It's like that picture to the right.  I took that picture when my husband and I went on our Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives wedding anniversary trip.  The sun is covered by storm clouds but some of it's rays are peeking thru.  I am the sun and life right now are the storm clouds.  Let me run it down:

If it isn't bad enough I'm dealing with Aiden being gone, I go and accuse my husband of something so stupid instead of just being his wife and recognizing that he is human. I was mean to him last night, he left for a while and didn't sleep with me in the bed. I hate that. I woke up this morning at 3am paying for my stress dearly with insomnia and migraine nation.

As soon as I got in my car, 10 minutes late, I turned on the radio to my daily Chuck Swindoll broadcast. Lo and behold, his message this week is Hope, After I Do. Talk about God Smacked! 

Chuck Swindoll:  ....it's not up to us to change our husbands, it's up to God to make them Good and for us to love them (I'm paraphrasing)
Me: **blubbering uncontrollably with snot and tears running down my face, trying hard to see through my tear stained glasses, doint 65mph on the highway***
Chuck Swindoll: ....women adorn themselves being submissive to their own husbands just as Sarah was to Abraham......(listen to the broadcast)
Me:  I had a Diane Keaton crying moment.....groans and all.  It was pathetic

Diane Keaton Crying - The best bloopers are a click away

When I got to work, my face felt "this" huge and all hot.  Boy I'm glad I'm dark skinned or else everybody would have thought I just had a steam bath on my face.

I tried working but couldn't even focus so I came home only to find out I was stabbed in the back, front, side AND leg by someone that I used to be very close to. I wont besmirch this person but it was so painful.

I was so angry at first.  Like really angry.  Then I was so hurt that all I could do was just pray for this person.  Now my husband on the other hand is not that forgiving.  I wont repeat what he said but.....let's just say, I'm not going to California for spring break anymore.  *sigh*

On a brighter note, my big sister prayed for me today.  Doesn't seem like much but if you know me then you know my sister has never been in  a place where she would willingly pray for me as my big sister.  We have never been close.  Always at odss, both of dealing with the repercussions of a single parent so deep into their addiction that we are scared for life.  I am so thankful for her.  Wow.  I never thought she would be there for me like that...my sister.  I mean we hated each other at one point in our lives and now TODAY she prayed for me.  God is good.

Nag Diaries 99.9 - YOU, YOU, YOU...YOU know I

Today started out as a good day but ended in silence.  I don't have anything to say to him..I know you.  You lie, you hide things and I can tell, regardless of what you say.  I don't get it.  5 years and you're still trying to convince  yourself that it's me not you.  I get tired of this feeling.  Tired of trusting, forgiving, hurting, then forgiving - and the vicious cycle continues.......

You know I prayed a long time for God to remove my dispair and hurt just so I could function.  He answered my prayer....He continues to answer that prayer because He knows my struggles...but how can I keep going?  

YOU don't get it.  

YES, I am insecure.  

YOU betrayed me.  

YES I still hurt. I am human.  

YES I have forgiven you.  But I have not forgotten.  

YES I love you.  But can you get over yourself enough to truly love me?

It would be better for you to just admit somethings even though I know they will hurt but the lying hurts more.

*cyber sniffle sniffle*