Nag Diaries 76.9 - Marriage Rocks

Real, Real Talk

Disclaimer:  Some of these situations are true, some of them are not but these are the thoughts of a woman trying to please her husband and hoping to get pleased herself.  

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I have been there many times.  Hubby comes home - in the mood.  You oblige him.  

It is going spectacular.

He finishes well before you.  Your excitement deflates as he apologizes.  Are you mad he asks.  Nope, you lie.  He asks you to look at him as you burn a hole in the wall from the darts shooting from your eyes.  You look at him, small smile.  You lie and say you are not mad.

But inside you are cursing, rolling your eyes and sighing in unsatisfied sexual frustration.

He apologizes again, it wasn't his fault.  He was REALLY horny.

Hey, I wasn't horny to begin with.  I was sleep and got that tap tap, shoulder roll over signal.

He tries to make it up by asking if you want to cuddle because he knows this makes you really happy.  You oblige because saying what is on your mind is out of the question.

A heavy arm is thrown across your waist as you rest on your belly. A chin rests on the back of your shoulder.  Breathing gets heavy and you realize in less than 15 freaking seconds that.........this *&!#@#! man is SLEEP.

You turn your head to the left to peek at him.  He is even snoring.  Then silently, you turn back to stare at the wall.

And he took both of the dang pillows.

*exasperated sound goes here*

Your thoughts turn to something else.  You could do it you know.  Just take care of it yourself.  It will be quick.  You know your body better than he does sometimes.

You go back and forth about the whole thing, because you really don't want to.  It's not really that satisfying because you would rather have the alternative - the real thing.

Yet, man - come on.  

Still fuming and semi-sleepy horny, your mind is made up.

You reach your hand down, careful not to wake him.  You snarl at yourself because you cant believe you are worried about waking him.

He moves his leg and slightly as his arm tightens around your waist.

That right hand creeps down.

Touches........touches........an envelope stuck to your leg.

The moment has passed as you pull the envelope from under the covers.

The dang water bill.  

You open the water bill and see that the bill is lower this month.
Hmm, that's good.  You smile, see the pile of laundry still waiting.

You remove his arm from your waste.  He wakes.  You tell you him you have to go to the bathroom.  Jumping out of bed you realize, it's OK.  It's really not that big of a deal.

Besides, who is going to do the laundry?

The day must go on. 

Nag Diaries 78.9 - Return of the Ghost Blog Entry

I thought this was gone - but for some reason, it just popped right back up!

I don't like talking about my personal life, too much.  Especially my marriage.  But if there is something that I am going through that someone else may be experiencing, then it may be worth it.

At this stage in my marriage, I am experiencing some MOL tension.  We have moved to Mississippi.  I broke down and agreed.  The MOL is down here to help my sudd-muffins aunt.  That is another story though.  We moved into our apartment - a 3 bedroom and the MOL has laid claim to our extra bedroom.  

Don't get me wrong.  My MOL is WONDERFUL.  GREAT.  She has helped out so much - *cluck.  But sometimes, it's like, my sudd-muffin likes being around her more than me, his wife.  She can ask him to go to the store and he jumps right up, like sure, Mom, when do you want to leave?

Or, Son, can you iron this for me or what do you want for dinner?  

Now if I ask him to go to the store, it is more of a, "God, I don't feel like doing anything right now..."  If he is going to the store, I say, "Can I come with?" -  like a hopeful little, starved puppy - I just want to spend time with him - His response, "No, I just want to go and come back."  But let his mom say, oh, can I come with you?  SURE MOM, lets go!

All of my requests are met with deep manly sighs and exasperated shoulder heaving.  What did I do?  You married me.  We have had two miscarriages.  I have put up with your crap for 5 years.  I have stood by you and your crap for five years.  Sat and watched you waste hours in front of the Xbox and choked back complaints of laziness. 

Is my company that bad?  Am I really that uninteresting to just spend time around.  Or are men just really that selfish?

I see why marriages don't last - LAZINESS.  People don't want to work on the marriage but just have sex.  But even that takes work.  I mean, when I think about it, the sex is the highlight of the marriage - it's never bad.....ever.  Dang.  That's.....weird.  Hmmm....but I don't care about sex.  Well I don't care about it when I am not caring about it.  Get it?  

This is making me crazy.  I know I shouldn't compare what my husband does for his mother but any wife would expect her husband do even the little things.  Is that really too much to ask?  Do I really sign like a whiny, nagging wife right now?

Whatever then.

Nag Diaries 76.9 - MOL/Have Time, Will Travel - NaBloPoMo

So, I guess my first attempt at this post was a little harsh and I got God-smacked.  How can you type for like 15 mins and blogger not auto-save???? 

It just popped right back up!

Original blog post gone.  So irritated right now.  Don't feel like writing.  So here we go.

Marriage.  MOL.  No Wife Attention.  More MOL attention.  Exasperated.  Pissed. Lonely.  MOL need to leave.  She's great but need to leave. Spend time with me. That Xbox get's more action than our bed.  Sucketh. You. Do.  Arggggg. 

WANTED: Girlfriends in the Gulfcoast area.  Age 27 and up. Gossip and trash talk included.  Must pray, you know for all the trash talking - we have to repent.  Must be married or have been married.  Single women wont help me.  They will just make me envy them.  Must love food, movies, travel.  I want to travel. Let's travel.  I may run away.

Note: MOL= Mother-in-Law

Nag Diaries 78.2 - Marriage Strudel

I am a manipulator.  You have to be when you get married.  Manipulation is not all bad.  There is good manipulation, selfish manipulation, sexual manipulation, financial manipulation - all kinds.  I am a master manipulator.  I thought I was rather good at it until I met my husband.  No, I am not talking about the bad manipulation to get people to do what you want but the little wife tricks to draw the husband in - the harmless manipulation.


He is the king of manipulation reversal.    He doesn't care if we spend time together.  He doesn't care if I happen to appreciate how another man looks.  He doesn't care if I leave for hours without a call.  Doesn't really matter.  Nothing really matters except Wrestling, MMA and Xbox - the 3 Kings.  He also doesn't hang around Jealousy avenue.  I take that back. 


He got jealous.  Once.  He met the man I was dating right before we met.  Shawn.  Shawn had big muscles and was well groomed.  Shawn was a cutie pie.  The sudd-muffin didn't like Shawn.  Oh boy he was soooo jealous.  It was exciting.


I believe he likes when I leave in one of my fits of anger.  He has free time to do what he wants without me, the wife, asking for his attention.  It's a win-win situation for him.  If I say I am going out, there is no response.  I can almost hear the wheels turning in his head, calculating how much lazy time he will have to play video games and just bum it.  Ha!  And I thought I was really getting his goat.  Wrong.  He got mine and milked that sucker dry.


So day after day, I send the signals and put out the layers of my marriage strudel, hoping he will bite.  Layers stretched so thin you can almost see through em'.  


He hates pie and tarts anyway so what was I expecting.  He told me about a week ago he wasn't happy but he didn't want to be here, in Mississippi, without me.  


I think he is lying.  He has everything he needs here.  His family, old friends, old territory, old memories.  I don't really add anything to the mix.  It's like once I finally agreed to move to Mississippi, all the promises and expectations stayed in Texas - along with my $1k camera.  


It was all just talk.  


My strudel is stuffed.  I cook for him.  He says, hey thanks.  I fill my marriage with understanding.  I stuff it with tiny steps of patience.  


I ignore being ignored or being passed over for the Xbox.  I even ask if I can play too.  Nothing ever comes of that.  I pray.  Not for him but one of those, Lord change me prayers. Help me to understand that yes, I am being a bitch - excuse me, Lord forgive me.  


Help me to understand that no, my husband has no idea what the word cherish means unless we are talking about his Star Wars memorabilia.  Help me to understand me.  


I have gotten over the sexy women on TV.  I don't care how they look or if he is looking.  Doesn't really matter to me anymore.  I don't even care if he is looking at porn on the internet anymore.  He can deal with that devil.  I could give a pigs trough what I look like either.  It's not like he actually sees me anyway.  Not really.  I am invisible.  Everything is invisible.


My marriage strudel still sits here.  Untouched.  Festering.  Rotting.  Waiting for me to toss it out for the day and start anew tomorrow.


I should go shopping.

Nag Diaries 45.6 - Closet knighting and Kitchen bathrooms - My Top 6

1. Toilet seat down but no toilet paper cause it's STILL sitting in the hallway where he left it.
2. Dishes in the dishrack (because, yay, he washed them) but more dishes in BOTH sides of the sink because he used those before he left and I (wifey) am the unpaid maid.
3. Those sheets don't smell like butt crack and armpits for nothing.  I WASH THEM.
4. Two corners of our room have been knighted as a closet.  Shoes, socks & clothes trail the room leading to the "closets".  I clean the closets out 4 times a week.
5. I bought laundry baskets so I wouldn't have to clean out the closets 4 times a week. They are empty. And dusty.

6. Our master bathroom has an alter ego by the name of "kitchen".  The dishes that were left in both sides of the sink, that the maid washes, came from the kitchen in the master bathroom.

Nag Diaries - HO HUM....SAME OLE...TATTERED DRUM

And the beat goes on.  I found another one last night.  Another remnant of one humans weakness.  It lodged in the back of my throat and slowly made it's trek down, slashing jagged holes in my esophagus as it went - allowing all the air to escape from my lungs.  I couldn't breath. Again.

God I am so embarrassed to even talk about this. 
I want to talk about it but then I would be exposing the darkest, saddest place of my marriage to people I know and don't know.  I have to believe I am not the only one.  In fact, I KNOW I am not the only one.  But dang.  Shoot!  Crap.  The forks are still missing by the way. 

I don't think I can do it. 

What I can say is, I hate it.  The knowing.  The feeling that I am may be reliving 2009 and my Waiting to Exhale - Angela Bassett moment.  God - it hurts.  I don't know what it is with him.  I think I am an AWESOME wife.  I bust my butt.  I support 100%.  I am the most understanding woman you wanna get into an argument with.......oh God - their back.

Low Self Esteem and Self-pity just barged right on in through that open door.  Ok, this is me shooing them right back out or did they not get the memo?

I am home by myself today.  I worked for a while.  I washed my hair and slicked it back into a puff ball pony.  I'm still going bald but not willing to shear everything off again.  I feel good though without my hat.  Now I sit here about to shove some pizza down the pie hole and.....do what?  yeah.  I thought so.

NAG DIARIES - ****NEWS FLASH*****

I had to sit down on my break and blog.  Oh my goodness. I cant breathe.  Wait....hold....on.....there it is.  Breath.  My sudd-muffin.  My suff-muffin.  He died.  I cannot believe it.  My prayers have been answered.  He died to the old Garrett and was reborn the New Sudd Muffin.

***Dream sequences goes here***

The first time I write a check at any grocery store - WALMART - it bounced.  Not because we didn't have the money but because Chase picks and chooses when they want things to post.  Devils they are.  I was pissed.  It irritated me.  I knew I shouldn't have wrote that check but noooooooo, I never bring my debit card with me because I don't want to spend money. 

Anyway, here is the sudd-muffin, cute as can be, not arguing, not fussing or cussing at the fact that we are broke and bank account overdrawn.  God is still good. 

He tells me, don't worry about it. 
We will have money, give me a coffee kiss. 
WHAT???  I took 2 steps back and asked him, "Where is my husband and what have you done with him?"
His response:  I'm not going to worry about what we don't have.

I was shocked and at a loss for words.  These were MY WORDS VERBATIM.  Upchucked from some crevice of his mind where he stores stuff that he actually takes in from me.  I couldn't  believe he actually said that.  Are we making progress???  Baby steps...baby steps

Nag Diaries - PMS Day 2

The dishes were still there.  Uggggggghhhhhhh!!  Not only were they still there - they were piled up in the sink.  Que-eva.  Now on to the rest of my day and the food portion of my powdered mustard seed plan (I said I would cook more).


I made breakfast for everyone - including the sudd-muffin.  Didnt say nothing about the dishes and just did them myself.  So much easier.  I even made the sudd-muffins lunch and I was actually happy about it.  Maybe we have been having so many issues being married because I wasnt participating in the marriage.  Doing these things actually made me feel good about being "wifely"  - go figure. 

Lunch!
I made lunch for the baby girl. I had a couple of scientists really interested in the contents of my refrigerator - particularly interested in some cherry tomatoes, cucumber and a mango.  I had to get rid of them so, SALAD it was along with breaded chicken patty sandwiches and orange slices.

Ingredients
1 old cucumber
Some old cherry tomatoes (pick out the bad ones)
1 mango (or any fruit you have on hand, preferably something like pineapple)
Cut up the veggies in small pieces and toss them in a bowl.

Eyeball the following ingredients

salt

pepper

lemon juice

sugar

balsamic vinegar

olive oil

Whisk together all the ingredients, taste, add more sugar and pour over veggies/mango and toss.  Voila!  I had a pretty picture of the actual food that was plated but........as I went to put some ketchup on my sandwich, it squirted out all over my sandwich, salad and orange slices......so.  Yeah. That's all I got there.

Moving on to my health portion - I was tired.  Really tired but I made myself get up and take my daughter for a walk down our little neighborhood path to the man-made lake.  We brought old sourdough bread for the duckies (I really must clean out my fridge and pantry more often).  It was a gorgeous day today and there were a lot of kids out.  It's funny how a little old bread can bring both kid and ducks flocking.

For dinner I cooked baked tilapia with garlic butter sauce, rice pilaf and broccoli. 

 Annnnnddddd - CAKE!!!

 
Me and the sudd-muffin spoke.  He grabbed me real quick for a kiss and a hug.....didn't know what to think of that so I just went with it.  I think my plan may be working....so thank you lord for Day 2 of the rest of my life. 

Nag Diary 11.0 - Powdered Mustard Seed

I got this inkling or ephipany in regards to powdered mustard seed after reading a good mommas Secret Mommy-hood Saturday Confession entry about her struggle with God and being angry at him. I understood all too well the confusion and anger. I don’t want to be confused and angry anymore. Having faith of a mustard seed is hard work. Even for such a tiny amount as a mustard seed.


Lately I have felt like all I have is mustard seed powder that has been slowly blowing away in the wind with every trial and tribulation I have had these last 2 years. But thank God for Kim. I am gathering up my mustard seed powder and trying to season up my faith, life, marriage, mommyhood, outlook and spirit with it.

So this is how my PMS plan (wait, PMS? that's just great - not intentional at all) for day one panned out....


Wee hours of 02-26-11
Driving home from the hospital, I get to house, sudd-muffin leaves me sitting in the car. mind you - its 1230am and DUH - I just got out of the hospital and feel like stir-fried crap. I went straight to the shower and fought hard not to cry.

I'm not gonna cry. It hurts. You might have to just walk away from this NayLahKnee. You and babygirl will be fine. What reason do I have to stay anyway???? Don’t cry. Don’t cry. Darn it - *sticks face under shower spray*

We argued when I got out of the shower. Same nag diary, different day. I told him I wasn't sure if I still wanted to be married to him. He left to sleep downstairs on the couch. Felt like an ass afterwards. He got up in the morning. Got ready for work. Told me in so many words he was leaving and left.

I prayed real hard that morning. I didn’t know what else to do. Lord, if this marriage is to be then, show me what to do. Matter fact, I'm not going to do anything unless it comes from you. NO bickering, no nagging, no anger - nothing. So I got up. Cleaned up cause the house was a mess. I'm not nagging. It just was. Made my babygirl and I breakfast. Washed the dishes and almost fell out from exertion.

3 hrs later:
Txt from Sudd-Muffin: how are u?
Me: I’m good. I didn’t get to say goodbye to you this morning so I hope you are having a good day. (that’s right, kill'em with kindness *smirk*)
Sudd-Muffin: You too
Me: I am making Tilapia for dinner. Would you like yours fried or Cajun style?
Sudd-muffin: I’m havin chili dogs
Sudd-muffin: I never got my chili dogs
Me: ok. we can have chili dogs then and I will cook tilapia tomorrow.
Sudd-muffin: There is a box of rice pilaf in the very back of the cabinet behind some stuff if you want
Sudd-Muffin: We got potatoes?
Me: I dunno. I have to look
{one hour later}
Sudd-Muffin: Potato?
Sudd-Muffin: Do I need to go to the store after work? for chips or fries or something..
Sudd-Muffin: Oh yeah, DONT TOUCH my cookies
Me: You can get chips or fries. Whatever u want
Me: WHAT COOKIES??????
Sudd-Muffin: Don’t worry about MY cookies {so random}Sudd-Muffin: Do we have potatoes?
Me: Yes. For what? {I never looked}
Sudd-Muffin: Fries


That was it. No sorry for last night or I love you or take it easy I will cook when I get home - nothing. I'm not nagging.


Sudd-muffin arrives at 530pm and crashes on the couch. Dead sleep. I start taking out dinner fixins quietly. I make everyone’s plate. We all trudge upstairs and eat dinner in front of the TV watching DVR'd Nikita and Vampire diaries. Sudd-muffin says thanks and leaves the room. I gather up plates and go downstairs. Sudd-muffin is on the PC playing MMA Wars on facebook. I see Red. Red sees me and sticks his tongue out - there goes some more powdered mustard seed in the wind.


Tears well up in my chest. I plug them up with a dirty old snotty tissue and put all the dishes in the sink and quietly go back upstairs to bed. He'll wash the dishes.....


Day 1 down - the rest of my life to go.

Nag Diaries - The Sudd Muffin

I did say on yesterday that I would post why I call the hubby my Sudd-Muffin - well here is why....

Nag Diaries 9.5 - Dedicated to the One that Loves Me

I never stop to think that maybe my hubby really does "think" about the stuff he does to me or says to me and how I may feel but I guess yesterday he was really thinking hard cause he sent me this song - edited of course to fit me from my perspective.  I was at work when he sent this to me and almost started bawling.....this is how I feel sometimes because we are still learning about each other and learning how to be husband and wife.  It is not easy.

I LOVE YOU SUDD-MUFFIN!  Stay tuned and I will reveal WHY my hubby is my sudd-muffin....coming manana!

Date: Tue, 15 Feb 2011 12:24:39 -0800

From: garrett_madden@xxxxxxxx

Subject: Make ya feel like this sometimes...I'm sorry:(

To: ME!!

Loving you, is killing me

When you know it should be thrilling me
Loving you, is choking me slowly
When I'm with you I still feel real lowly
Loving you, is busting me
You don't ever put your trust in me
Loving you, should mean that I'm your queen
You don't make me feel like anything

CHORUS

Now I never knew you'd be so evil
How did you get to be so evil boy

Now you telling me, that I'm bad to you
You don't know what you’re talking 'bout boy

Hear me when I say
You can't just do whatever you want, boy

Loving you, is killing me
When you know it should fulfill me
Loving you, is aching me sadly
You know that it should make me happy
Loving you, isn’t worth all the suffering
In return you never give me nothing
Here's the news about loving you
Well it's something that I used to do
Loving you, is killing me
When you know it should be building me
Loving you, is holding me back
Why the hell you make me feel like that

 

Nag Diaries 8.10 - Sexcapades

This is actually one of my favorite posts and I am reposting it just for fun! 

I have not blogged all week!! I have been working....and an update is soon to come for what has happened this week.  But I must tell yall about my event full morning this 14th day of our Lord, 2010.

Friday my sudd-muffin was being a jerk.  Every time I turned around he was texting me about putting oil in the car and NAGGING me about how much money we have in the bank.  Really?  I'm at work.  Listening to other people nag about unemployment or lack thereof and he keeps texting me about OIL for the car and MONEY.  **exasperated string of curse words go here**  Then he gives me a "directive" via text:  "Remember: before you take Rasheeda home, get some oil."

I almost threw my Blackberry.  I mean why didn't he get the oil for the car after he dropped me off at work at 7am???  Answer: because he went back home and went to sleep!

Moving on - I was not happy with the sudd-muffin.  He was on the Hit List - I was gonna hit him when I saw him.  Just smack em.  Things just got worse.  I think he had Male PMS yesterday.  He whined about everything and was just in a oh so foul I'm a man mood instead of the Old Spice mood.

Que-so, this morning when I wake up - Garrett is in "I'm sorry mode".   Which I appreciate.  He apologized profusely.  Mind you this is all happening in front of my computer desk and chair - with him in it.  I decide to forgive him because really - I have the kind of day he had at least 3 times a week!

 *Fade to black goes here and role credits..*

Sexcapade Credits

Sincere yet hopeful husband featuring the Ambitious but clumsy wife

And

Introducing 

The Keyboard tray - Taking sexy back one kick at a time....

I am still in my pajamas - which is an old blue nightshirt with stars and moons on it from when I was pregnant 9 years ago - Not sexy but tryin. I looked down at my hubby sitting in that chair smirking and smiling, lay my hand on one of his shoulders, the other on the side of his face in a soft caress, flip that left eyebrow up in my sexy "come here" way and attempt to throw/kick my leg over his shoulder all sexy like while he is sitting in the chair. You know the way ladies with sexy fishnet stockings do so the guy can run his hand up the calf and thigh.......

*disaster goes here*

So I didn't really judge how far away I was from the keyboard tray on the computer desk.  My leg (mind you the one with the metal plate and screws in it) collides with/underneath the keyboard tray at my ankle, lifts the keyboard tray up into up in the air about 5 inches only to slam back down.  Loudly*. 

The sudd-muffin commences to roll off the chair straight onto the floor to do what he does best - laughs at me. 
I was mortified.  All I could do was limp over to the couch and cover my face while he is TRULY ROFL at me! 

Now I sit here with a lump on my ankle typing this.......how did I get here.  *smirk*  I can always try that again another day....

Anyone else have a sexcapade disaster?  Go ahead and tell it - I won't laugh.

Nag Diary 9.6 - The Storm

I am going through a lot right now. I don't think I have ever thought about suicide so much in my ENTIRE life. I don't understand. It's like that picture to the right.  I took that picture when my husband and I went on our Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives wedding anniversary trip.  The sun is covered by storm clouds but some of it's rays are peeking thru.  I am the sun and life right now are the storm clouds.  Let me run it down:

If it isn't bad enough I'm dealing with Aiden being gone, I go and accuse my husband of something so stupid instead of just being his wife and recognizing that he is human. I was mean to him last night, he left for a while and didn't sleep with me in the bed. I hate that. I woke up this morning at 3am paying for my stress dearly with insomnia and migraine nation.

As soon as I got in my car, 10 minutes late, I turned on the radio to my daily Chuck Swindoll broadcast. Lo and behold, his message this week is Hope, After I Do. Talk about God Smacked! 

Chuck Swindoll:  ....it's not up to us to change our husbands, it's up to God to make them Good and for us to love them (I'm paraphrasing)
Me: **blubbering uncontrollably with snot and tears running down my face, trying hard to see through my tear stained glasses, doint 65mph on the highway***
Chuck Swindoll: ....women adorn themselves being submissive to their own husbands just as Sarah was to Abraham......(listen to the broadcast)
Me:  I had a Diane Keaton crying moment.....groans and all.  It was pathetic

Diane Keaton Crying - The best bloopers are a click away

When I got to work, my face felt "this" huge and all hot.  Boy I'm glad I'm dark skinned or else everybody would have thought I just had a steam bath on my face.

I tried working but couldn't even focus so I came home only to find out I was stabbed in the back, front, side AND leg by someone that I used to be very close to. I wont besmirch this person but it was so painful.

I was so angry at first.  Like really angry.  Then I was so hurt that all I could do was just pray for this person.  Now my husband on the other hand is not that forgiving.  I wont repeat what he said but.....let's just say, I'm not going to California for spring break anymore.  *sigh*

On a brighter note, my big sister prayed for me today.  Doesn't seem like much but if you know me then you know my sister has never been in  a place where she would willingly pray for me as my big sister.  We have never been close.  Always at odss, both of dealing with the repercussions of a single parent so deep into their addiction that we are scared for life.  I am so thankful for her.  Wow.  I never thought she would be there for me like that...my sister.  I mean we hated each other at one point in our lives and now TODAY she prayed for me.  God is good.

Nag Diary 8.8: Moving on, Wishful Thinking, Future Happenings

Moving On
So yesterday was not a good day but God is good and today is a NEW day.  Being a wife is hard work.  Do you ever feel like, as a mom, wife, homemaker, worker - that you have on too many clothes, hats, accessories?  Do you know what I mean?  Let me explain.......

I feel like I have on one bright red sexy pump, one sensible running shoe, my mommy hat, an apron around my waist with some sexy drawers on for the hub, a halo on top of my head, one broken angel wing - dont know where the other fell off at, a duster tucked in the band of my apron - for cleaning, my nerd glasses on, my daughters math & science books balanced precariously on my head, my customer service voice turned on to help those unemployed people (lord end this recession!), my acting mask on because really I'm an actress who hasn't made it at all, my fat/skinny jeans on (I keep losing and gaining the weight) and a Rose between my teeth to set this sucker off!  *ding*


Wishful Thinking
Back to reality.  I often look at my wedding day pics - people frozen in time, euphoria and expectation and I have to admit I wish I could frame up my life, hang it on the wall and let the picture live for me.  Alas....... it cannot be done!!!!  We have to live our lives with the good and the bad, take everything in with grace and let things go with that same grace.  So yeah, my marriage is rough sometimes but I am spiritually sucking it up and asking God to carry those things that are too heavy for me.  Thank you!

Future Happenings

I want my baby girl to come home right noooooowwwwww!  I miss her and her grandmother sent me countless pics from her visit to Sacramento which only made things worse.  She is supposed to come home on August 21 but forget that mess - my baby is comin home like this week.  I will just pay for the ticket and keep it movin!  She is my world and I miss her terribly!!  


Until the next nag diary...Got purpose? No - then let's get it!

Nag Diaries 99.9 - YOU, YOU, YOU...YOU know I

Today started out as a good day but ended in silence.  I don't have anything to say to him..I know you.  You lie, you hide things and I can tell, regardless of what you say.  I don't get it.  5 years and you're still trying to convince  yourself that it's me not you.  I get tired of this feeling.  Tired of trusting, forgiving, hurting, then forgiving - and the vicious cycle continues.......

You know I prayed a long time for God to remove my dispair and hurt just so I could function.  He answered my prayer....He continues to answer that prayer because He knows my struggles...but how can I keep going?  

YOU don't get it.  

YES, I am insecure.  

YOU betrayed me.  

YES I still hurt. I am human.  

YES I have forgiven you.  But I have not forgotten.  

YES I love you.  But can you get over yourself enough to truly love me?

It would be better for you to just admit somethings even though I know they will hurt but the lying hurts more.

*cyber sniffle sniffle*

Nag Diaries 2.5

The Porn is back.  Found on the PC.  Dont konw who did it.  But it was not me.  I hate this feeling.  It makes my stomach churn.  To think that my husband, in hell he would rather burn. I could tell something was wrong.  He usually starts acting weird.  Going all the way down the block & around the corner to explain simple stuff.  Maybe I am just being paranoid but I cannot lie.  I dont trust him sometimes.  Honestly. 

I went through this period where I would get urges to check the internet history and his emails & something inside me would shake.  I would stop myself & say dont worry bout it.  Gosh I just wish I was sure about some things.  That I had a steadiness within me about my marriage because it permeates everything in my life.  Nauseating.  I wish I could walk away knowing that the pain would not soon follow as I walk away.  Knowing that my daughter would not be affected.  But the pain will follow, hop on my back and creep its way into the secret places of my heart.  My daughter would be devestated.  But seriously, what about me?  Is that wrong to ask?

Im done.  Fork me.

Nag Diaries 2.3 - Control Remote

Ha - admit it!  Men love to channel surf - they cant help it and I finally got my hubby to admit it.  Well it was after one of our pseudo arguments.  We ate dinner in front o fthe TV today and I was already a little bit testy.  My hub likes to play these, I'm not going to take the responsibility games with me.  Well that is what I think anyway - he would beg to differ.  So, I am trying to eat and there is an inappropriate TV show on - he knows this, I know this and my daughter was on her way to finding out what the show was ALL about.

So hubby plays that role again....and action!

Hubdub: Eh, you can turn the channel

Me: Im eating, just turn.

Hubdub: Im busy doing laundry, why dont you turn

Me: {thinks to myself - I see where this is going and quite irritated now} just turn the freakin channel

Hubdub: NO! {then proceeds to toss the remote to me}

Me: {steam coming from ears, nose and throat} ughhh!  fine I will turn

Daughter: {looks up at me with doe eyes} I dont like it when you guys argue

Me: {embarassed as heck!} we werent arguing - daddy just wouldnt listen to me

Hubdub: {growls at me}

So all in all - yeah I think that went pretty well.  The conversation continued after baby girl went to bed where my HUBDUB - done da da daaah - ladies and gentlemen - he admited. he had. a. problem. channel surfing.  I mean talk about unexpected, orgasmic, revelation dropping admission.  So I do my little I was right dance - ta hee hee.  You better believe it baby - *WINK

Nag Diaries 2.2 - Hub a dub dub

The aftermath of my birthday weekend was good.  I feel like my husband and I are learning how to be a married couple......hmm.......that sounds funny.  Nonetheless we are learning.  I still get irritated - so does he but my irritation is more muted now.  He tries his best to be more understanding and I think he is learning about himself in the process.  We are still attending the Fireproof class and finally next month we get to see the entire movie - SUPA DUPA WOWSER!

Marriage Quote for the Day
~ Marriage is popular because it combines the maximum of temptation with the maximum of opportunity.
                       GEORGE BERNARD SHAW, Maxims for Revolutionists

Nag Diaries - with Jesus

I went to my first marriage ministry meeting today - by myself. It was very difficult and I wanted to just burst out in tears as I sat listening to the HUSBANDS esteem their wives. They were so proud of them and so...............loving. My heart fell right through my arse and onto the floor and just sat there bleeding. I didnt really talk much and it felt like a scene from an AA meeting -

Facilitator: "How bout you NaLonni, do you have anything to say?"
Me: "Nope, just listening."

I didnt know what to say. How do you say that you are slowly dying inside and that pretty little "picture frame marriage" that I had in mind is just that - a picture in a frame. You know, I know that God is real to me but how can I stay faithful in my marriage - now I am not talking about cheating - I mean stay faithful in that I am prayerful and understanding and not taking digs at him because I know this is not what God would have me to do?

We are going through the Fireproof series with Kirk Cameron. Now I must say - he is a really good actor and the little mini clip that we got to see tonight was funny. It was like they took a page out of my journal........that is really sad though. Other couples go through this. Oh well. I am going to go next month and God willing, he will change my mind and deal with me so that I can be a good wife to my husband and a good mother to my daughter.

Toodles for now!

Nag Diaries.......something point something

So, the marriage - it's going. We are in a calm spot right now - I am calmly smiling at everything and examining my behaviour towards my husband and he is........horny......but not for me so much. Not saying that he wants someone else but............let's just say it has been a month.

Do to the stress of my marriage, mother nature decided that my body needed to let me know I was too stressed and thus Menorrhagia was born -and it has been 30 days and night of aaaaaghh!!!!! - this is sooooo unfair. But God is good because he knows exactly what to do to tell you that your body is out of whack and you need to get right and stop stressing.

So - I am trying to get right and not let my marriage kill me. My granny says I need to basically suck it up and roll with the punches. it hasnt even been two years yet..........

I would rather punch my husband though.......sometimes. But I love him.