Showing posts with label sex. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sex. Show all posts

Sunday, October 7, 2012

Nag Diaries 76.9 - Marriage Rocks

Real, Real Talk


Disclaimer:  Some of these situations are true, some of them are not but these are the thoughts of a woman trying to please her husband and hoping to get pleased herself.  


Image Source
I have been there many times.  Hubby comes home - in the mood.  You oblige him.  

It is going spectacular.

He finishes well before you.  Your excitement deflates as he apologizes.  Are you mad he asks.  Nope, you lie.  He asks you to look at him as you burn a hole in the wall from the darts shooting from your eyes.  You look at him, small smile.  You lie and say you are not mad.

But inside you are cursing, rolling your eyes and sighing in unsatisfied sexual frustration.

He apologizes again, it wasn't his fault.  He was REALLY horny.

Hey, I wasn't horny to begin with.  I was sleep and got that tap tap, shoulder roll over signal.

He tries to make it up by asking if you want to cuddle because he knows this makes you really happy.  You oblige because saying what is on your mind is out of the question.

A heavy arm is thrown across your waist as you rest on your belly. A chin rests on the back of your shoulder.  Breathing gets heavy and you realize in less than 15 freaking seconds that.........this *&!#@#! man is SLEEP.

You turn your head to the left to peek at him.  He is even snoring.  Then silently, you turn back to stare at the wall.

And he took both of the dang pillows.


*exasperated sound goes here*

Your thoughts turn to something else.  You could do it you know.  Just take care of it yourself.  It will be quick.  You know your body better than he does sometimes.

You go back and forth about the whole thing, because you really don't want to.  It's not really that satisfying because you would rather have the alternative - the real thing.

Yet, man - come on.  


Still fuming and semi-sleepy horny, your mind is made up.

You reach your hand down, careful not to wake him.  You snarl at yourself because you cant believe you are worried about waking him.

He moves his leg and slightly as his arm tightens around your waist.

That right hand creeps down.

Touches........touches........an envelope stuck to your leg.

The moment has passed as you pull the envelope from under the covers.


The dang water bill.  

You open the water bill and see that the bill is lower this month.
Hmm, that's good.  You smile, see the pile of laundry still waiting.

You remove his arm from your waste.  He wakes.  You tell you him you have to go to the bathroom.  Jumping out of bed you realize, it's OK.  It's really not that big of a deal.

Besides, who is going to do the laundry?

The day must go on. 


Friday, February 11, 2011

Nag Diaries 8.10 - Sexcapades

This is actually one of my favorite posts and I am reposting it just for fun! 

I have not blogged all week!! I have been working....and an update is soon to come for what has happened this week.  But I must tell yall about my event full morning this 14th day of our Lord, 2010.

Friday my sudd-muffin was being a jerk.  Every time I turned around he was texting me about putting oil in the car and NAGGING me about how much money we have in the bank.  Really?  I'm at work.  Listening to other people nag about unemployment or lack thereof and he keeps texting me about OIL for the car and MONEY.  **exasperated string of curse words go here**  Then he gives me a "directive" via text:  "Remember: before you take Rasheeda home, get some oil."

I almost threw my Blackberry.  I mean why didn't he get the oil for the car after he dropped me off at work at 7am???  Answer: because he went back home and went to sleep!

Moving on - I was not happy with the sudd-muffin.  He was on the Hit List - I was gonna hit him when I saw him.  Just smack em.  Things just got worse.  I think he had Male PMS yesterday.  He whined about everything and was just in a oh so foul I'm a man mood instead of the Old Spice mood.

Que-so, this morning when I wake up - Garrett is in "I'm sorry mode".   Which I appreciate.  He apologized profusely.  Mind you this is all happening in front of my computer desk and chair - with him in it.  I decide to forgive him because really - I have the kind of day he had at least 3 times a week!

 *Fade to black goes here and role credits..*

Sexcapade Credits
Sincere yet hopeful husband featuring the Ambitious but clumsy wife
And
Introducing 

The Keyboard tray - Taking sexy back one kick at a time....
I am still in my pajamas - which is an old blue nightshirt with stars and moons on it from when I was pregnant 9 years ago - Not sexy but tryin. I looked down at my hubby sitting in that chair smirking and smiling, lay my hand on one of his shoulders, the other on the side of his face in a soft caress, flip that left eyebrow up in my sexy "come here" way and attempt to throw/kick my leg over his shoulder all sexy like while he is sitting in the chair. You know the way ladies with sexy fishnet stockings do so the guy can run his hand up the calf and thigh.......

*disaster goes here*

So I didn't really judge how far away I was from the keyboard tray on the computer desk.  My leg (mind you the one with the metal plate and screws in it) collides with/underneath the keyboard tray at my ankle, lifts the keyboard tray up into up in the air about 5 inches only to slam back down.  Loudly*. 

The sudd-muffin commences to roll off the chair straight onto the floor to do what he does best - laughs at me
I was mortified.  All I could do was limp over to the couch and cover my face while he is TRULY ROFL at me! 

Now I sit here with a lump on my ankle typing this.......how did I get here.  *smirk*  I can always try that again another day....

Anyone else have a sexcapade disaster?  Go ahead and tell it - I won't laugh.
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