Nag Diaries - HO HUM....SAME OLE...TATTERED DRUM

And the beat goes on.  I found another one last night.  Another remnant of one humans weakness.  It lodged in the back of my throat and slowly made it's trek down, slashing jagged holes in my esophagus as it went - allowing all the air to escape from my lungs.  I couldn't breath. Again.

God I am so embarrassed to even talk about this. 
I want to talk about it but then I would be exposing the darkest, saddest place of my marriage to people I know and don't know.  I have to believe I am not the only one.  In fact, I KNOW I am not the only one.  But dang.  Shoot!  Crap.  The forks are still missing by the way. 

I don't think I can do it. 

What I can say is, I hate it.  The knowing.  The feeling that I am may be reliving 2009 and my Waiting to Exhale - Angela Bassett moment.  God - it hurts.  I don't know what it is with him.  I think I am an AWESOME wife.  I bust my butt.  I support 100%.  I am the most understanding woman you wanna get into an argument with.......oh God - their back.

Low Self Esteem and Self-pity just barged right on in through that open door.  Ok, this is me shooing them right back out or did they not get the memo?

I am home by myself today.  I worked for a while.  I washed my hair and slicked it back into a puff ball pony.  I'm still going bald but not willing to shear everything off again.  I feel good though without my hat.  Now I sit here about to shove some pizza down the pie hole and.....do what?  yeah.  I thought so.

NAG DIARIES - ****NEWS FLASH*****

I had to sit down on my break and blog.  Oh my goodness. I cant breathe.  Wait....hold....on.....there it is.  Breath.  My sudd-muffin.  My suff-muffin.  He died.  I cannot believe it.  My prayers have been answered.  He died to the old Garrett and was reborn the New Sudd Muffin.

***Dream sequences goes here***

The first time I write a check at any grocery store - WALMART - it bounced.  Not because we didn't have the money but because Chase picks and chooses when they want things to post.  Devils they are.  I was pissed.  It irritated me.  I knew I shouldn't have wrote that check but noooooooo, I never bring my debit card with me because I don't want to spend money. 

Anyway, here is the sudd-muffin, cute as can be, not arguing, not fussing or cussing at the fact that we are broke and bank account overdrawn.  God is still good. 

He tells me, don't worry about it. 
We will have money, give me a coffee kiss. 
WHAT???  I took 2 steps back and asked him, "Where is my husband and what have you done with him?"
His response:  I'm not going to worry about what we don't have.

I was shocked and at a loss for words.  These were MY WORDS VERBATIM.  Upchucked from some crevice of his mind where he stores stuff that he actually takes in from me.  I couldn't  believe he actually said that.  Are we making progress???  Baby steps...baby steps

Nag Diaries - PMS Day 2

The dishes were still there.  Uggggggghhhhhhh!!  Not only were they still there - they were piled up in the sink.  Que-eva.  Now on to the rest of my day and the food portion of my powdered mustard seed plan (I said I would cook more).


I made breakfast for everyone - including the sudd-muffin.  Didnt say nothing about the dishes and just did them myself.  So much easier.  I even made the sudd-muffins lunch and I was actually happy about it.  Maybe we have been having so many issues being married because I wasnt participating in the marriage.  Doing these things actually made me feel good about being "wifely"  - go figure. 

Lunch!
I made lunch for the baby girl. I had a couple of scientists really interested in the contents of my refrigerator - particularly interested in some cherry tomatoes, cucumber and a mango.  I had to get rid of them so, SALAD it was along with breaded chicken patty sandwiches and orange slices.

Ingredients
1 old cucumber
Some old cherry tomatoes (pick out the bad ones)
1 mango (or any fruit you have on hand, preferably something like pineapple)
Cut up the veggies in small pieces and toss them in a bowl.

Eyeball the following ingredients

salt

pepper

lemon juice

sugar

balsamic vinegar

olive oil

Whisk together all the ingredients, taste, add more sugar and pour over veggies/mango and toss.  Voila!  I had a pretty picture of the actual food that was plated but........as I went to put some ketchup on my sandwich, it squirted out all over my sandwich, salad and orange slices......so.  Yeah. That's all I got there.

Moving on to my health portion - I was tired.  Really tired but I made myself get up and take my daughter for a walk down our little neighborhood path to the man-made lake.  We brought old sourdough bread for the duckies (I really must clean out my fridge and pantry more often).  It was a gorgeous day today and there were a lot of kids out.  It's funny how a little old bread can bring both kid and ducks flocking.

For dinner I cooked baked tilapia with garlic butter sauce, rice pilaf and broccoli. 

 Annnnnddddd - CAKE!!!

 
Me and the sudd-muffin spoke.  He grabbed me real quick for a kiss and a hug.....didn't know what to think of that so I just went with it.  I think my plan may be working....so thank you lord for Day 2 of the rest of my life. 

Nag Diary 11.0 - Powdered Mustard Seed

I got this inkling or ephipany in regards to powdered mustard seed after reading a good mommas Secret Mommy-hood Saturday Confession entry about her struggle with God and being angry at him. I understood all too well the confusion and anger. I don’t want to be confused and angry anymore. Having faith of a mustard seed is hard work. Even for such a tiny amount as a mustard seed.


Lately I have felt like all I have is mustard seed powder that has been slowly blowing away in the wind with every trial and tribulation I have had these last 2 years. But thank God for Kim. I am gathering up my mustard seed powder and trying to season up my faith, life, marriage, mommyhood, outlook and spirit with it.

So this is how my PMS plan (wait, PMS? that's just great - not intentional at all) for day one panned out....


Wee hours of 02-26-11
Driving home from the hospital, I get to house, sudd-muffin leaves me sitting in the car. mind you - its 1230am and DUH - I just got out of the hospital and feel like stir-fried crap. I went straight to the shower and fought hard not to cry.

I'm not gonna cry. It hurts. You might have to just walk away from this NayLahKnee. You and babygirl will be fine. What reason do I have to stay anyway???? Don’t cry. Don’t cry. Darn it - *sticks face under shower spray*

We argued when I got out of the shower. Same nag diary, different day. I told him I wasn't sure if I still wanted to be married to him. He left to sleep downstairs on the couch. Felt like an ass afterwards. He got up in the morning. Got ready for work. Told me in so many words he was leaving and left.

I prayed real hard that morning. I didn’t know what else to do. Lord, if this marriage is to be then, show me what to do. Matter fact, I'm not going to do anything unless it comes from you. NO bickering, no nagging, no anger - nothing. So I got up. Cleaned up cause the house was a mess. I'm not nagging. It just was. Made my babygirl and I breakfast. Washed the dishes and almost fell out from exertion.

3 hrs later:
Txt from Sudd-Muffin: how are u?
Me: I’m good. I didn’t get to say goodbye to you this morning so I hope you are having a good day. (that’s right, kill'em with kindness *smirk*)
Sudd-Muffin: You too
Me: I am making Tilapia for dinner. Would you like yours fried or Cajun style?
Sudd-muffin: I’m havin chili dogs
Sudd-muffin: I never got my chili dogs
Me: ok. we can have chili dogs then and I will cook tilapia tomorrow.
Sudd-muffin: There is a box of rice pilaf in the very back of the cabinet behind some stuff if you want
Sudd-Muffin: We got potatoes?
Me: I dunno. I have to look
{one hour later}
Sudd-Muffin: Potato?
Sudd-Muffin: Do I need to go to the store after work? for chips or fries or something..
Sudd-Muffin: Oh yeah, DONT TOUCH my cookies
Me: You can get chips or fries. Whatever u want
Me: WHAT COOKIES??????
Sudd-Muffin: Don’t worry about MY cookies {so random}Sudd-Muffin: Do we have potatoes?
Me: Yes. For what? {I never looked}
Sudd-Muffin: Fries


That was it. No sorry for last night or I love you or take it easy I will cook when I get home - nothing. I'm not nagging.


Sudd-muffin arrives at 530pm and crashes on the couch. Dead sleep. I start taking out dinner fixins quietly. I make everyone’s plate. We all trudge upstairs and eat dinner in front of the TV watching DVR'd Nikita and Vampire diaries. Sudd-muffin says thanks and leaves the room. I gather up plates and go downstairs. Sudd-muffin is on the PC playing MMA Wars on facebook. I see Red. Red sees me and sticks his tongue out - there goes some more powdered mustard seed in the wind.


Tears well up in my chest. I plug them up with a dirty old snotty tissue and put all the dishes in the sink and quietly go back upstairs to bed. He'll wash the dishes.....


Day 1 down - the rest of my life to go.

Nag Diaries 10.3 - Nags from the ER/Hospital Visit.

Being in the hospital is not a pretty sight. I don't wear a lot of makeup so the only thing in my purse was some cherry chapstick - yikes! Work with ya got. Cherry chapstick does provide SOME color.

Although one of my 5 things to do before you go to the ER was to bring a hat or a wig, I brought a sleek wig with me (which works for me because I'm going bald). It was the only one I had that didn't look like the bushes in my front yard.

Unfortunately, wigs if I wear them too long give me a headache and with the many visitors & voyeurs alike, the buckwheat look wasn't my first choice -even if he is a distant cousin.

So I sent the sudd-muffin to buy me a scarf from the gift shop. He brought back a beautiful purple and black rectangle scarf. I tied that baby around my head so quick and Voilà, instant headdress.

Now for my clothing. Can't really do much with my hospital gown but they have one thing going for them: snap buttons down each sleeve. I unsnapped the button closest to my neck and bingo bango - an off the shoulder look!

I'm working it right?  Well that's all I could do with what I had - tell me what ya think!  Is this utterly PA-THE-TIC????  SMH...

Nag Diaries 15.3 - Click, Click….

Picture This

Give it a guess – I dare ya!

Animal Farm

7 Pieces of Joy

Throw Back Toys (saw this at Target this past Christmas)

Nag Diaries - The Sudd Muffin

I did say on yesterday that I would post why I call the hubby my Sudd-Muffin - well here is why....

Nag Diaries 9.5 - Dedicated to the One that Loves Me

I never stop to think that maybe my hubby really does "think" about the stuff he does to me or says to me and how I may feel but I guess yesterday he was really thinking hard cause he sent me this song - edited of course to fit me from my perspective.  I was at work when he sent this to me and almost started bawling.....this is how I feel sometimes because we are still learning about each other and learning how to be husband and wife.  It is not easy.

I LOVE YOU SUDD-MUFFIN!  Stay tuned and I will reveal WHY my hubby is my sudd-muffin....coming manana!

Date: Tue, 15 Feb 2011 12:24:39 -0800

From: garrett_madden@xxxxxxxx

Subject: Make ya feel like this sometimes...I'm sorry:(

To: ME!!

Loving you, is killing me

When you know it should be thrilling me
Loving you, is choking me slowly
When I'm with you I still feel real lowly
Loving you, is busting me
You don't ever put your trust in me
Loving you, should mean that I'm your queen
You don't make me feel like anything

CHORUS

Now I never knew you'd be so evil
How did you get to be so evil boy

Now you telling me, that I'm bad to you
You don't know what you’re talking 'bout boy

Hear me when I say
You can't just do whatever you want, boy

Loving you, is killing me
When you know it should fulfill me
Loving you, is aching me sadly
You know that it should make me happy
Loving you, isn’t worth all the suffering
In return you never give me nothing
Here's the news about loving you
Well it's something that I used to do
Loving you, is killing me
When you know it should be building me
Loving you, is holding me back
Why the hell you make me feel like that

 

Nag Diaries - 5.3 - Conquering the Monkey Bars

Yesterday, I took my daughter on a walk in our neighborhood.  We actually have a nice neighborhood with a walking path & man-made lake and stream.  There were ducks everywhere. 
We walked until the path ended at the neighborhood playground.  Nothing spectacular about this playground.
 Just 4 swings two climbing areas with slides and – a set of monkey bars.  The big shadow is me – ha!

I loved monkey bars when I was a kid.  I even loved that little round metal bar shaped like a rectangle and drilled directly into the ground.  I would balance on that thing on my butt and then swing backwards with the back of my knees hugging the bar – around and around.  Some kids would even tie their sweaters around their waste and to the bar to swing around without the aid of your knees. 
Back to the monkey bars. 
At my school in Scottsdale, AZ, we had a nice jungle gym, swing monkey bar play area.  We had a set of monkey bars connected to the slide as well as metal rings that faced the monkey bars.  I would swing on the rings, just until I got the right height and momentum and let go to fly over to the monkey bars, catch it and monkey my way to the end and repeat.  I was fearless and not afraid to try anything.
Yesterday at the park, my daughter wanted to try the monkey bars.  Now she’s nine so, I thought monkey bars would be easy.  She couldn’t even swing.  She tried twice more than gave up – all the while complaining and whining about it. 
I was dumbfounded.  She’s nine and was afraid to try the monkey bars.  She was scared.  It made me realize how sheltered and out of shape she is.  For 6 years of her life we lived in a one bedroom duplex.  This place was smaller than my current master bedroom/bath and closet put together.  We slept on a sofa bed for 6 years.  I rarely let her go outside because of the neighborhood we lived in.  I mean, our neighbors were gangbangers and THEY watched out for us.  I was always too tired to take her to the park because I worked full time and went to school full time – trying to make a life for her.
This is the result.  She is afraid to try and quick to give up.  I don’t understand.  I am not that way.  I pushed and pushed while I was pregnant with her and after to..……or maybe I really “didn't”.  I just never realized it and it has rubbed off on her.  That makes me sick to my stomach.  It also makes me want to get rid of a lot of stuff in our lives that are not enriching it.  That’s hard to do when you’re married to “The Resistance”. 

I got up to exercise today after sitting on my bed for 45 minutes crying about Aiden and feeling just blah.  I finally got up and decided to exercise.  I invited my daughter to join me.  It was a mess.  I couldn’t even exercise for her whining and complaining.  What they heck is going on???  Did I raise my daughter up to this point to whine and complain.  NO SIR I DIDN’T.  So now I am perplexed on how to get her out of this….funk.  Any ideas???  Anyone?

Nag Diaries 8.10 - Sexcapades

This is actually one of my favorite posts and I am reposting it just for fun! 

I have not blogged all week!! I have been working....and an update is soon to come for what has happened this week.  But I must tell yall about my event full morning this 14th day of our Lord, 2010.

Friday my sudd-muffin was being a jerk.  Every time I turned around he was texting me about putting oil in the car and NAGGING me about how much money we have in the bank.  Really?  I'm at work.  Listening to other people nag about unemployment or lack thereof and he keeps texting me about OIL for the car and MONEY.  **exasperated string of curse words go here**  Then he gives me a "directive" via text:  "Remember: before you take Rasheeda home, get some oil."

I almost threw my Blackberry.  I mean why didn't he get the oil for the car after he dropped me off at work at 7am???  Answer: because he went back home and went to sleep!

Moving on - I was not happy with the sudd-muffin.  He was on the Hit List - I was gonna hit him when I saw him.  Just smack em.  Things just got worse.  I think he had Male PMS yesterday.  He whined about everything and was just in a oh so foul I'm a man mood instead of the Old Spice mood.

Que-so, this morning when I wake up - Garrett is in "I'm sorry mode".   Which I appreciate.  He apologized profusely.  Mind you this is all happening in front of my computer desk and chair - with him in it.  I decide to forgive him because really - I have the kind of day he had at least 3 times a week!

 *Fade to black goes here and role credits..*

Sexcapade Credits

Sincere yet hopeful husband featuring the Ambitious but clumsy wife

And

Introducing 

The Keyboard tray - Taking sexy back one kick at a time....

I am still in my pajamas - which is an old blue nightshirt with stars and moons on it from when I was pregnant 9 years ago - Not sexy but tryin. I looked down at my hubby sitting in that chair smirking and smiling, lay my hand on one of his shoulders, the other on the side of his face in a soft caress, flip that left eyebrow up in my sexy "come here" way and attempt to throw/kick my leg over his shoulder all sexy like while he is sitting in the chair. You know the way ladies with sexy fishnet stockings do so the guy can run his hand up the calf and thigh.......

*disaster goes here*

So I didn't really judge how far away I was from the keyboard tray on the computer desk.  My leg (mind you the one with the metal plate and screws in it) collides with/underneath the keyboard tray at my ankle, lifts the keyboard tray up into up in the air about 5 inches only to slam back down.  Loudly*. 

The sudd-muffin commences to roll off the chair straight onto the floor to do what he does best - laughs at me. 
I was mortified.  All I could do was limp over to the couch and cover my face while he is TRULY ROFL at me! 

Now I sit here with a lump on my ankle typing this.......how did I get here.  *smirk*  I can always try that again another day....

Anyone else have a sexcapade disaster?  Go ahead and tell it - I won't laugh.

Nag Diary 9.6 - The Storm

I am going through a lot right now. I don't think I have ever thought about suicide so much in my ENTIRE life. I don't understand. It's like that picture to the right.  I took that picture when my husband and I went on our Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives wedding anniversary trip.  The sun is covered by storm clouds but some of it's rays are peeking thru.  I am the sun and life right now are the storm clouds.  Let me run it down:

If it isn't bad enough I'm dealing with Aiden being gone, I go and accuse my husband of something so stupid instead of just being his wife and recognizing that he is human. I was mean to him last night, he left for a while and didn't sleep with me in the bed. I hate that. I woke up this morning at 3am paying for my stress dearly with insomnia and migraine nation.

As soon as I got in my car, 10 minutes late, I turned on the radio to my daily Chuck Swindoll broadcast. Lo and behold, his message this week is Hope, After I Do. Talk about God Smacked! 

Chuck Swindoll:  ....it's not up to us to change our husbands, it's up to God to make them Good and for us to love them (I'm paraphrasing)
Me: **blubbering uncontrollably with snot and tears running down my face, trying hard to see through my tear stained glasses, doint 65mph on the highway***
Chuck Swindoll: ....women adorn themselves being submissive to their own husbands just as Sarah was to Abraham......(listen to the broadcast)
Me:  I had a Diane Keaton crying moment.....groans and all.  It was pathetic

Diane Keaton Crying - The best bloopers are a click away

When I got to work, my face felt "this" huge and all hot.  Boy I'm glad I'm dark skinned or else everybody would have thought I just had a steam bath on my face.

I tried working but couldn't even focus so I came home only to find out I was stabbed in the back, front, side AND leg by someone that I used to be very close to. I wont besmirch this person but it was so painful.

I was so angry at first.  Like really angry.  Then I was so hurt that all I could do was just pray for this person.  Now my husband on the other hand is not that forgiving.  I wont repeat what he said but.....let's just say, I'm not going to California for spring break anymore.  *sigh*

On a brighter note, my big sister prayed for me today.  Doesn't seem like much but if you know me then you know my sister has never been in  a place where she would willingly pray for me as my big sister.  We have never been close.  Always at odss, both of dealing with the repercussions of a single parent so deep into their addiction that we are scared for life.  I am so thankful for her.  Wow.  I never thought she would be there for me like that...my sister.  I mean we hated each other at one point in our lives and now TODAY she prayed for me.  God is good.

Nag Diaries - Sunday with my Girl Photo Blog

She didn't want to give me any of her Cookie - LOL!

Nag Diaries - Almond Joy

I am home today....not feeling too good. My baby girl is back to school today after a day off...weird charter school schedule.  I don't know what I am going to do with her.  She has really good teachers but for some reason she is having a hard time keeping up with all the work they are given.  I mean this is 4th grade.  I can't expect her to be like I was in school...I was anal about my notebook and it's neatness - all the time.  I'm lucky if Rina remembers her notebook.  Anyway, they get too much homework if you ask me and nothing makes sense anymore.  I couldn't even explain algorithms (in 4th grade??) to my daughter based on the way the homework was set up.  I acutally felt STUPID or maybe I was having a pregnancy moment??  Lord how I wish I could be a stay at home mom....

I did start the morning off right though.  Check it out.

Start My Morning off Right List

✔ Me time: I took a shower, what more can I get at 6am

✔ Eat something: handfull of Cheerios..breathe, breathe....swallow....swallow.

✔ Eat something else: Cinnamon Life cereal - about a cup with 2% milk.  It stayed down.

✔ Eat some more:  Green grapes....about 8 of em.  They were sweet and yummy.

✔ Gripe about cleaning the house:  OK, only for about 5 minutes 2 minutes did i gripe then I opened the windows downstairs to air the house out.  Now it smells like a morning dog walk and wet grass......sheesh.

✔ Eat something else: Now this is where it got interesting....

I am on  a health food chop right now - not kick.  Have to be.  I have to chop out some of the old stuff I was eating.  I have too much weight and not enough baby.  My grandmother told me about Almond milk a couple of weeks ago.  I know how picky she is so I thought, what the heck try it.  I made an Almond Milk Fruit Smoothie.

It has bananas, mixed frozen berries, almond milk, honey and vanilla in it.  At first my stomach kinda said, hey what they heck is that????  Then I said, dont throw up and my stomach said okie dokie!  It was good except I noticed I started belching more.  I mean I belch all the time now that I am preggo but this was more than usual.  Go figure.  I had more than that picture below but I had already drank half of it before I remembered to take a picture....then me not being a food photographer, I wanted it to look good but didn't have anything to spruce the glass up except a frozen strawberry.  So I ran it under some warm water to soften up in order to stick it on the side of the glass.  Sacrifice.

You know what, looking at my honey that I used, I just noticed I bought imitation honey!!!!  GRRRRRRR!  Great.

Nag Diaries - ObGyn Visit - with a man

And this is what men do at the ObGyn....

That is the examination light........shaking my head.