GOD - IF TEARS WERE DOLLARS I WOULD BE A BILLIONAIRE 3 TIMES OVER.
Fact. I don't know how I'm going to do it. Fact. I KNOW I have to do it. Fact. Why am I here if not to just do it?
I promised my mom once. When she was in jail of all places....I wrote her a letter. One of those angst filled letters of missing someone too much and struggling with "becoming" - I think I had to be like 14 or something. I promised her something. And I have reneged on that promise far too long.
Flash forward - I remember laying in my aunts guest bed. Moon shining down on me through the window in Long Beach, CA. I had just left Phoenix behind to let it and the people there go to hell on their own. I remember. I said Lord, please bring my mom home and stop her from using drugs. I begged him to help me. I begged him and apologized for the things I had done at age 14 - 16. I begged him. Then my grandfather died. And God continued to silently wait on me.
16 years later - here I am. God is still waiting. We've had lots of fights. I've been a sometimey friend. He's chastised me. Broken me. Reminded me. Provoked me. tapped me on my shoulder a couple of times. Pushed me to the back seat. I promptly and pridefully put him in the trunk, jumped in the drivers seat and gunned it. He slowed my getaway with painful awakenings. It's time to wake up. I ran out of gas more times then I approve of. He didn't care. It was my fault anyway. I needed a major tune up - He was there. My wheels went flat but He was my run flat tire. I lost control MANY times, crashed and burned. He paid the deductible and fixed me. Even when I was a total loss.
I still had value, so he never left me.
My aunt passed away last week. She was young. She was sick. She was a mother & grandmother. She loved God. He loved her more. She is gone. She didn't take care of herself until it was too late. I don't want that to be me. I don't want to leave this earth where the only thing I leave behind is this blog which doesnt really tell you who I am.
Mediocre. Word origin - French. Meaning middling height or state. Also related to the word Medial - pertaining to a mean or average. With a name like mine - there is NO WAY God made me to be Average. I think not. I have made me average. Blending in to the backgroud. Voice silent. No more. I am done.
It's time to wake up. So I will take my left leg with 1 plate and 9 screws in it. I will take my 4 miscarriages. I will take my mistakes - 2 abortions and some unsavory goings on in the dark - smirk. I will take what the media has said is beautiful and toss that in the trash. I will take the fact that Asthma plaques my body. I will take the fact that I am overweight. I will take the fact that yes my husband had an affair 2 years ago and I stayed - I love him and he has shown me he loves me. I will take the fact that I've had a 21 year long affair with mediocrity. I will take the fact that my father has been absent all of my life. I will take the fact that my mom was absent for the years that mattered. I will take the fact that I am mean sometimes because of these things. I allow them to fester within and manifest itself in my behavior.
What I will not take is another 21 years of it. So I will take all of those things. Remember them. Use those things to fuel my mediocrity into Greatness. I will take those things. They will no longer take me. It's time to wake up.
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