I am utterly lost. I get up, get dressed, fuss at my baby girl for not brushing her teeth.......how she hates brusing. Rush to the car to transport my granny and daughter to work and school respectively. Then I am back home again in front of the PC searching...........always searching. Blogs, social networks, acting jobs, regular jobs. Just this day 5 different jobs turned me down. But what is funny is that I dont even know if I want to go back to work doing the same ole thing. Working, working, working to pay bills, bills, bills and hopefully there is life somewhere in between. I dont get it.
This is someplace I have never been before. I mean with my car accident I was physically injured and it rendered me disabled for a while. True I was depressed.....borderline PTS but........that was different. This......this......existing without knowing what is coming is.......so......unfair. I dont understand why I am going through this and yes I do believe in God and I dont doubt his plan but while I am going through this season where I feel like I am not producing or creating anything worthwhile - what do I do. I am slowly going crazy.....me thinks.
Monday, November 17, 2008
10 Things You'd Never Think, Say, or Do.......
Until you lose your hair.
1. Me and my hubby DO look alike now.
2. Is my scalp ashy????
3. Boy is my head shaped weird!
4. Is it safe to wax?
5. OMG - I put face moisturizer on my bald head!!!!! Ugh!
6. My hats are too big now....
7. My head does NOT look like a half sucked milk dud!
8. I no longer have a cushion for my eyeglasses....it hurts right behind my ear now.
9. Hey, my wig fits even better now - but dang-it, there is nothing for my wig to grip on to....
10. Ok - I tried wearing a wig cap by itself........but that just looked too weird....
1. Me and my hubby DO look alike now.
2. Is my scalp ashy????
3. Boy is my head shaped weird!
4. Is it safe to wax?
5. OMG - I put face moisturizer on my bald head!!!!! Ugh!
6. My hats are too big now....
7. My head does NOT look like a half sucked milk dud!
8. I no longer have a cushion for my eyeglasses....it hurts right behind my ear now.
9. Hey, my wig fits even better now - but dang-it, there is nothing for my wig to grip on to....
10. Ok - I tried wearing a wig cap by itself........but that just looked too weird....
The Nag Diaries 1.5
So.....this has really been a rough couple of months and nothing says "save my marriage" like financial woes and unemployment! My husband, God love him, is the best! I am to the point now where I really cant even get mad at him anymore because he is who he is. Since our move to Texas, my hub has racked up three speeding tickets - he has lead foot syndrome. Fine - we got tickets - OKAY ALREADY!
But this is bad...my hub paid for his ticket and made the assumption that the SECOND citation on the ticket was included in the payment (no insurance - we have insurance unfortunately I had not added his name yet because we were newly married and I procrastinated and blah blah blah) - WRONG. My husband has been trying to get a job with the Police Department at UTA. This was his THIRD time applying. And wouldnt you know it we got that "Thank you for applying, but" letter in the mail. We were stunned. I didnt understand. Both times he applied before he got beat out by little minute reasons that had nothing to with him but the hiring process - so for them not to even interview him was a shock.
But God is good. The hiring manager - Captain Tillerson decides to call my hub and let him know that he has a warrant. My hub was shocked. He never knew about it. What is really sad and really burns my baked turkey was that his application was pulled because of this warrant not only at UTA but for the Tarrant County Detention center. It sucks. But the good news is that Capt. Tillerson said that after it is cleared up they will consider him for a job bad news is that the TCD Center says he cant apply again for a year........which is fine with me.....I wasnt too comfortable with him having to monitor inmates who were not in cells but allowed to roam free in the detention center. I guess this is to be expected since he wants to become a cop - LORD HELP ME. As if I could lose anymore hair...........
Thursday, June 5, 2008
True Wife Confession
I was going to send a wife confession - hell bent on strumming along with the others on here............but then I remembered my vows and the counseling we had before we were married and I cannot degrade you to others - even though I could write my own self-help book on how to marry the man you love without going crazy in the process.
True some of the confessions are heart breaking and some just downright unbelieveable but...........I cant do it. Why is it easier to post up my thoughts about my spouse anonymously in cyberspace rather than talking to my husband and praying for him. Have I really taken a hard look at both sides of the coin?
What am I doing wrong as a wife - am I esteeming my husband and doing everything i can to honor that of what a wife should be? Or am I having affairs searching for love that I have to first find in myself, griping, insulting, eye rolling, nagging, pitting my child against you, or am I just complaining about EVERYDAY life in general - not enough sex, my husband doesnt clean, he ignores the kids, he is stupid, he is dumb, you dont do it good enough, do you have to play video games everyday all day, or read those friggin comic books ALL THE TIME???
Do I make sure you have something to eat when you come home from work? make sure you can relax and enjoy being at home?? Have I ran you a bath to soak your tired body and feet, submitted to your sexual drive - PLEASED that you would even want me still when I dont even like looking in the mirror but yet you still want me?? Do I tell you how proud I am of you because you didnt carry our child so you couldnt possibly know how connected a mothe rcan be to her child but you have in a way created your own connection and relationship with a child that is NOT biologically yours - and you love her - she is more like you then her own biological father! You HATE school but you wont give up because you know that it is necessary...............you put up with my monthly girlfriend that visits and snaps, fusses and cusses at you for no reason at all and you baby me sometimes because you try to understand...
My God created this union so he alone has the power to fix it - not me and my ignorant attempts to change you and make our marriage better. From this day - I will speak life into our marriage and pray for those who are dead to their marriages.
I learnied something last night that I didnt really understand. We as wives have to stand together to support each other - because we need one another - not to come together to talk about our husbands but to voice how we can bring life to our marriages - through "true confession".
So much hurt and disappointment........Im not downplaying being done wrong by our husbands at all.......but the only way to overcome the hurt is to love - even when we dont want to.......and believe be - sometimes I really dont want to.
Confess on.....my prayers are with you all.
The Daily Wife Journal
True some of the confessions are heart breaking and some just downright unbelieveable but...........I cant do it. Why is it easier to post up my thoughts about my spouse anonymously in cyberspace rather than talking to my husband and praying for him. Have I really taken a hard look at both sides of the coin?
What am I doing wrong as a wife - am I esteeming my husband and doing everything i can to honor that of what a wife should be? Or am I having affairs searching for love that I have to first find in myself, griping, insulting, eye rolling, nagging, pitting my child against you, or am I just complaining about EVERYDAY life in general - not enough sex, my husband doesnt clean, he ignores the kids, he is stupid, he is dumb, you dont do it good enough, do you have to play video games everyday all day, or read those friggin comic books ALL THE TIME???
Do I make sure you have something to eat when you come home from work? make sure you can relax and enjoy being at home?? Have I ran you a bath to soak your tired body and feet, submitted to your sexual drive - PLEASED that you would even want me still when I dont even like looking in the mirror but yet you still want me?? Do I tell you how proud I am of you because you didnt carry our child so you couldnt possibly know how connected a mothe rcan be to her child but you have in a way created your own connection and relationship with a child that is NOT biologically yours - and you love her - she is more like you then her own biological father! You HATE school but you wont give up because you know that it is necessary...............you put up with my monthly girlfriend that visits and snaps, fusses and cusses at you for no reason at all and you baby me sometimes because you try to understand...
My God created this union so he alone has the power to fix it - not me and my ignorant attempts to change you and make our marriage better. From this day - I will speak life into our marriage and pray for those who are dead to their marriages.
I learnied something last night that I didnt really understand. We as wives have to stand together to support each other - because we need one another - not to come together to talk about our husbands but to voice how we can bring life to our marriages - through "true confession".
So much hurt and disappointment........Im not downplaying being done wrong by our husbands at all.......but the only way to overcome the hurt is to love - even when we dont want to.......and believe be - sometimes I really dont want to.
Confess on.....my prayers are with you all.
The Daily Wife Journal
True Confession
I was going to send a wife confession - hell bent on strumming along with the others on here............but then I remembered my vows and the counseling we had before we were married and I cannot degrade you to others - even though I could write my own self-help book on how to marry the man you love without going crazy in the process.
True some of the confessions are heart breaking and some just downright unbelieveable but...........I cant do it. Why is it easier to post up my thoughts about my spouse anonymously in cyberspace rather than talking to my husband and praying for him. Have I really taken a hard look at both sides of the coin?
What am I doing wrong as a wife - am I esteeming my husband and doing everything i can to honor that of what a wife should be? Or am I having affairs searching for love that I have to first find in myself, griping, insulting, eye rolling, nagging, pitting my child against you, or am I just complaining about EVERYDAY life in general - not enough sex, my husband doesnt clean, he ignores the kids, he is stupid, he is dumb, you dont do it good enough, do you have to play video games everyday all day, or read those friggin comic books ALL THE TIME???
Do I make sure you have something to eat when you come home from work? make sure you can relax and enjoy being at home?? Have I ran you a bath to soak your tired body and feet, submitted to your sexual drive - PLEASED that you would even want me still when I dont even like looking in the mirror but yet you still want me?? Do I tell you how proud I am of you because you didnt carry our child so you couldnt possibly know how connected a mothe rcan be to her child but you have in a way created your own connection and relationship with a child that is NOT biologically yours - and you love her - she is more like you then her own biological father! You HATE school but you wont give up because you know that it is necessary...............you put up with my monthly girlfriend that visits and snaps, fusses and cusses at you for no reason at all and you baby me sometimes because you try to understand...
My God created this union so he alone has the power to fix it - not me and my ignorant attempts to change you and make our marriage better. From this day - I will speak life into our marriage and pray for those who are dead to their marriages.
I learnied something last night that I didnt really understand. We as wives have to stand together to support each other - because we need one another - not to come together to talk about our husbands but to voice how we can bring life to our marriages - through "true confession".
So much hurt and disappointment........Im not downplaying being done wrong by our husbands at all.......but the only way to overcome the hurt is to love - even when we dont want to.......and believe be - sometimes I really dont want to.
Confess on.....my prayers are with you all.
The Daily Wife Journal
True some of the confessions are heart breaking and some just downright unbelieveable but...........I cant do it. Why is it easier to post up my thoughts about my spouse anonymously in cyberspace rather than talking to my husband and praying for him. Have I really taken a hard look at both sides of the coin?
What am I doing wrong as a wife - am I esteeming my husband and doing everything i can to honor that of what a wife should be? Or am I having affairs searching for love that I have to first find in myself, griping, insulting, eye rolling, nagging, pitting my child against you, or am I just complaining about EVERYDAY life in general - not enough sex, my husband doesnt clean, he ignores the kids, he is stupid, he is dumb, you dont do it good enough, do you have to play video games everyday all day, or read those friggin comic books ALL THE TIME???
Do I make sure you have something to eat when you come home from work? make sure you can relax and enjoy being at home?? Have I ran you a bath to soak your tired body and feet, submitted to your sexual drive - PLEASED that you would even want me still when I dont even like looking in the mirror but yet you still want me?? Do I tell you how proud I am of you because you didnt carry our child so you couldnt possibly know how connected a mothe rcan be to her child but you have in a way created your own connection and relationship with a child that is NOT biologically yours - and you love her - she is more like you then her own biological father! You HATE school but you wont give up because you know that it is necessary...............you put up with my monthly girlfriend that visits and snaps, fusses and cusses at you for no reason at all and you baby me sometimes because you try to understand...
My God created this union so he alone has the power to fix it - not me and my ignorant attempts to change you and make our marriage better. From this day - I will speak life into our marriage and pray for those who are dead to their marriages.
I learnied something last night that I didnt really understand. We as wives have to stand together to support each other - because we need one another - not to come together to talk about our husbands but to voice how we can bring life to our marriages - through "true confession".
So much hurt and disappointment........Im not downplaying being done wrong by our husbands at all.......but the only way to overcome the hurt is to love - even when we dont want to.......and believe be - sometimes I really dont want to.
Confess on.....my prayers are with you all.
The Daily Wife Journal
Sunday, May 4, 2008
The Beginning of the End
So I knew it was over for me when my daughter decided to take it upon herself and record what she saw on an infomercial - she was just trying to help me out - bless her heart. The thing with children that is so special and sweet is their honesty, innocence and unconditional love for their parents. So my baby girl - the doll that she is just wants the best for me - she wants me to best mommy that I can be even though at times I feel like strangling myself..........but she got me to pay attention to something that has been on my mind for the last two weeks..........my butt.......and the immenseness of if. Oh God how I dread this.........you know the whole scale thing and actually looking at myself in the mirror.........most of the time I look something like that below
......all confused as to how that staring back at me could possibly classify itself as a twenty-something year old wife and mother.
So what is a mom to do........heed her daughters advice? Or take insult and tell my daughter that she talks too much? Oh wait I didnt tell yall what she gave me.......THE NOTE.
Apparently.........I need to lose weight. OH GOD I SAID IT...........AND I FEEL WRETCH-ED. I mean is there a such thing as reverse anorexia? No offense to anyone - but I dont think Im THAT much overweight........yes I had a child and losing that baby weight is difficult - unless you are one of the Hollywood elite.........and it has been 7 years..........but hey 8 is a number of completion so maybe this is the time for me to finish something I started 7 years ago. So even though I just ate an ice cream sandwich - oh hush - I am going to suck it up and go ahead and bite the chocolate bullet and go on a diet. FINE THEN. Anyone want to join me........................
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
The Night Shift
So recently - like yesterday - my husband started working at night - we are soooo broke. It has given me time to..........be by myself and ponder my thoughts. We have been having a little trouble as husband and wife........most married couples would have divorced by now. It's the little stuff that causes the biggest problems. So if you are reading this blog to get some insight into marriage - you are definately in the wrong place. I dont have any words of wisdom, funny anecdotes or stories of how my husband almost made me kill him........I just have the truth.
It's funny when you take the spotlight and shine it on your own disillusioned self - you find out and see all the things the are hiding - wrinkles, a couple of pounds, hidden disappointments - you know, all the things that your spouse tries to hide. I love my hubby - and not that I've been with you for so long so of course I love you type of thing but..........I love him despite how lazy he is sometimes, how junky he is - OMGoodness he is junky - despite how much I can't love myself - I still.....love....him.
My grandmother told me when we first moved to Texas that God spoke to her about our marriage and it was meant for her to tell me to encourage me. She told me that God said to not worry, he (my hubby) would be my healing and I would be his. Well - I aint healed and neither is he so I think we got some more wounds that we havent uncovered yet.
I struggle with my marriage and with my own self doubt - I dont want to push my husband away but sometimes he just makes me BOILING mad and I want to degrade him and put him down. but I cant - I try to honor him with my silence - esteem him like the Good Book says........
I read so many stories of women whose husbands have left them, the children and the marriage - just walked away and I wonder - why was it so easy for them? I mean what? Was the sex that bad? I mean really - who would walk away from free, guilt free sex - unless it was just too horrible - Me, myself - I get tired of it - my husband seems to think it's like that urge to go to the bathroom evey morning - you have to do it or your bladder will burst - so he never tires of it.
My thoughts have ended........I going to go play boggle.
It's funny when you take the spotlight and shine it on your own disillusioned self - you find out and see all the things the are hiding - wrinkles, a couple of pounds, hidden disappointments - you know, all the things that your spouse tries to hide. I love my hubby - and not that I've been with you for so long so of course I love you type of thing but..........I love him despite how lazy he is sometimes, how junky he is - OMGoodness he is junky - despite how much I can't love myself - I still.....love....him.
My grandmother told me when we first moved to Texas that God spoke to her about our marriage and it was meant for her to tell me to encourage me. She told me that God said to not worry, he (my hubby) would be my healing and I would be his. Well - I aint healed and neither is he so I think we got some more wounds that we havent uncovered yet.
I struggle with my marriage and with my own self doubt - I dont want to push my husband away but sometimes he just makes me BOILING mad and I want to degrade him and put him down. but I cant - I try to honor him with my silence - esteem him like the Good Book says........
I read so many stories of women whose husbands have left them, the children and the marriage - just walked away and I wonder - why was it so easy for them? I mean what? Was the sex that bad? I mean really - who would walk away from free, guilt free sex - unless it was just too horrible - Me, myself - I get tired of it - my husband seems to think it's like that urge to go to the bathroom evey morning - you have to do it or your bladder will burst - so he never tires of it.
My thoughts have ended........I going to go play boggle.
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