Wax on Wax Off

From a forwarded email:

Hair Removal....

All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal -
The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax.

Read on......
My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours:
'Maybe should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet.'
So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those 'cold wax' kits.
No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off.
No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be?
I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)
So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ('Cold wax,' yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh.
Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works!
OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this!
Hair removal no longer eludes me!
I am She-rah, fighter of all ?wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.
With my next wax strip I move north.
After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship.

I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet.

Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself.... RRRRRRIIIIPPP!!!!

I'm blind!!!
Blinded from pain!!!!....
OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!!
Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP!
Another deep breath and RIPP! ?Everything is spinning and spotted.
I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...must stay conscious.
Do I hear crashing drums???
Breathe, breathe............
OK, back to normal.
I want to see my trophy - a wax-covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it.
I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair.
I hold up the strip!
There's no hair on it.

Where is the hair???
WHERE IS THE WAX???
Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip...it's not!
I touch.
I am touching wax.
I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair.
Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped upon the toilet?

I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down.
Sealed shut! My butt is sealed shut. Sealed shut!
I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself
'Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!'
What can I do to melt the wax?
Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!!
I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the ?wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???
*WRONG!!!!!!!*
I get in the tub - The water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit. ?????
Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding hot water.
Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.
So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented myself to the porcelain!!
God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!
I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone.
It's a very good conversation starter 'So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!'
There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me .

She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, 'Are we talking cheeks or hole or hoo-ha?'
She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her.

I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.
YEAH!!!!! Right!!
I should be the joke of someone else's night.
While we go through various solutions. I resort to trying to scrape the wax off with a razor .
Nothing feels better than to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!
By now the brain is ?not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.
My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.
What do I really have to lose at th is point?

I rub some on and OH MY STARS!!!!!!!
The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend.
It's sooo painful, but I really don't care.
'IT WORKS!!
It works!!' I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up.
I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair....
THE HAIR IS STILL THERE........ALL OF IT!
So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts.
I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

Next week I'm going to try hair color......

The E Word

Ewwww - the E word. My husband and I made a pact for the time that we are going through right now. Since I am not working and he works odd hours, we decided that he would get up every morning and walk with me. So yep - I Exercised.......wasnt pretty either. We have this great neighborhood where there are at least 20 fire hydrants along our main street. Soooo, silly me all - "lose that weight" enthused decided that we should jog from hydrant to hydrant, then speed walk and so on.

Did I forget to mention that I was diagnosed with asthma about two months ago??? I was so out of breath my ears started to hurt! I really thought they were going to start bleeding from all the blood rushing around in my head.........it was horrible. Needless to say we jog between three sets of fire hydrants and my hub was worried about me so we walked all the way back....my ears didnt stop hurting until we were almost home. Jesus help me!

A Word to the wise and out of shape - going slow is not a bad idea, listen to your ears. And to this the fat brown cow saays:

9:05PM

I am utterly lost. I get up, get dressed, fuss at my baby girl for not brushing her teeth.......how she hates brusing. Rush to the car to transport my granny and daughter to work and school respectively. Then I am back home again in front of the PC searching...........always searching. Blogs, social networks, acting jobs, regular jobs. Just this day 5 different jobs turned me down. But what is funny is that I dont even know if I want to go back to work doing the same ole thing. Working, working, working to pay bills, bills, bills and hopefully there is life somewhere in between. I dont get it.

This is someplace I have never been before. I mean with my car accident I was physically injured and it rendered me disabled for a while. True I was depressed.....borderline PTS but........that was different. This......this......existing without knowing what is coming is.......so......unfair. I dont understand why I am going through this and yes I do believe in God and I dont doubt his plan but while I am going through this season where I feel like I am not producing or creating anything worthwhile - what do I do. I am slowly going crazy.....me thinks.

10 Things You'd Never Think, Say, or Do.......

Until you lose your hair.

1. Me and my hubby DO look alike now.
2. Is my scalp ashy????
3. Boy is my head shaped weird!
4. Is it safe to wax?
5. OMG - I put face moisturizer on my bald head!!!!! Ugh!
6. My hats are too big now....
7. My head does NOT look like a half sucked milk dud!
8. I no longer have a cushion for my eyeglasses....it hurts right behind my ear now.
9. Hey, my wig fits even better now - but dang-it, there is nothing for my wig to grip on to....
10. Ok - I tried wearing a wig cap by itself........but that just looked too weird....

The Nag Diaries 1.5

So.....this has really been a rough couple of months and nothing says "save my marriage" like financial woes and unemployment! My husband, God love him, is the best! I am to the point now where I really cant even get mad at him anymore because he is who he is. Since our move to Texas, my hub has racked up three speeding tickets - he has lead foot syndrome. Fine - we got tickets - OKAY ALREADY!

But this is bad...my hub paid for his ticket and made the assumption that the SECOND citation on the ticket was included in the payment (no insurance - we have insurance unfortunately I had not added his name yet because we were newly married and I procrastinated and blah blah blah) - WRONG. My husband has been trying to get a job with the Police Department at UTA. This was his THIRD time applying. And wouldnt you know it we got that "Thank you for applying, but" letter in the mail. We were stunned. I didnt understand. Both times he applied before he got beat out by little minute reasons that had nothing to with him but the hiring process - so for them not to even interview him was a shock.

But God is good. The hiring manager - Captain Tillerson decides to call my hub and let him know that he has a warrant. My hub was shocked. He never knew about it. What is really sad and really burns my baked turkey was that his application was pulled because of this warrant not only at UTA but for the Tarrant County Detention center. It sucks. But the good news is that Capt. Tillerson said that after it is cleared up they will consider him for a job bad news is that the TCD Center says he cant apply again for a year........which is fine with me.....I wasnt too comfortable with him having to monitor inmates who were not in cells but allowed to roam free in the detention center. I guess this is to be expected since he wants to become a cop - LORD HELP ME. As if I could lose anymore hair...........

True Wife Confession

I was going to send a wife confession - hell bent on strumming along with the others on here............but then I remembered my vows and the counseling we had before we were married and I cannot degrade you to others - even though I could write my own self-help book on how to marry the man you love without going crazy in the process.

True some of the confessions are heart breaking and some just downright unbelieveable but...........I cant do it. Why is it easier to post up my thoughts about my spouse anonymously in cyberspace rather than talking to my husband and praying for him. Have I really taken a hard look at both sides of the coin?

What am I doing wrong as a wife - am I esteeming my husband and doing everything i can to honor that of what a wife should be? Or am I having affairs searching for love that I have to first find in myself, griping, insulting, eye rolling, nagging, pitting my child against you, or am I just complaining about EVERYDAY life in general - not enough sex, my husband doesnt clean, he ignores the kids, he is stupid, he is dumb, you dont do it good enough, do you have to play video games everyday all day, or read those friggin comic books ALL THE TIME???

Do I make sure you have something to eat when you come home from work? make sure you can relax and enjoy being at home?? Have I ran you a bath to soak your tired body and feet, submitted to your sexual drive - PLEASED that you would even want me still when I dont even like looking in the mirror but yet you still want me?? Do I tell you how proud I am of you because you didnt carry our child so you couldnt possibly know how connected a mothe rcan be to her child but you have in a way created your own connection and relationship with a child that is NOT biologically yours - and you love her - she is more like you then her own biological father! You HATE school but you wont give up because you know that it is necessary...............you put up with my monthly girlfriend that visits and snaps, fusses and cusses at you for no reason at all and you baby me sometimes because you try to understand...

My God created this union so he alone has the power to fix it - not me and my ignorant attempts to change you and make our marriage better. From this day - I will speak life into our marriage and pray for those who are dead to their marriages.

I learnied something last night that I didnt really understand. We as wives have to stand together to support each other - because we need one another - not to come together to talk about our husbands but to voice how we can bring life to our marriages - through "true confession".

So much hurt and disappointment........Im not downplaying being done wrong by our husbands at all.......but the only way to overcome the hurt is to love - even when we dont want to.......and believe be - sometimes I really dont want to.

Confess on.....my prayers are with you all.

The Daily Wife Journal

True Confession

I was going to send a wife confession - hell bent on strumming along with the others on here............but then I remembered my vows and the counseling we had before we were married and I cannot degrade you to others - even though I could write my own self-help book on how to marry the man you love without going crazy in the process.

True some of the confessions are heart breaking and some just downright unbelieveable but...........I cant do it. Why is it easier to post up my thoughts about my spouse anonymously in cyberspace rather than talking to my husband and praying for him. Have I really taken a hard look at both sides of the coin?

What am I doing wrong as a wife - am I esteeming my husband and doing everything i can to honor that of what a wife should be? Or am I having affairs searching for love that I have to first find in myself, griping, insulting, eye rolling, nagging, pitting my child against you, or am I just complaining about EVERYDAY life in general - not enough sex, my husband doesnt clean, he ignores the kids, he is stupid, he is dumb, you dont do it good enough, do you have to play video games everyday all day, or read those friggin comic books ALL THE TIME???

Do I make sure you have something to eat when you come home from work? make sure you can relax and enjoy being at home?? Have I ran you a bath to soak your tired body and feet, submitted to your sexual drive - PLEASED that you would even want me still when I dont even like looking in the mirror but yet you still want me?? Do I tell you how proud I am of you because you didnt carry our child so you couldnt possibly know how connected a mothe rcan be to her child but you have in a way created your own connection and relationship with a child that is NOT biologically yours - and you love her - she is more like you then her own biological father! You HATE school but you wont give up because you know that it is necessary...............you put up with my monthly girlfriend that visits and snaps, fusses and cusses at you for no reason at all and you baby me sometimes because you try to understand...

My God created this union so he alone has the power to fix it - not me and my ignorant attempts to change you and make our marriage better. From this day - I will speak life into our marriage and pray for those who are dead to their marriages.

I learnied something last night that I didnt really understand. We as wives have to stand together to support each other - because we need one another - not to come together to talk about our husbands but to voice how we can bring life to our marriages - through "true confession".

So much hurt and disappointment........Im not downplaying being done wrong by our husbands at all.......but the only way to overcome the hurt is to love - even when we dont want to.......and believe be - sometimes I really dont want to.

Confess on.....my prayers are with you all.

The Daily Wife Journal