Nag Diaries 2.6

Seriously, do I look that stupid?   Why in the world tdo men, husbands to be exact seem to think that their wies are complete idiots??  Well I am no idiot & I sure as heck aint no dummy.  You konw I look past a lot of stuff my hub does, I even let  alot off stuff slide but enough is enough.  Why should women or men put up with the same old lying, excuses, laziness and just pure disrespect.  I am just untterly disgusted right now. 

I know I didnt really say much as far as what is going on but even talking about the same old crap is exhausting & mind numbing, so I will just leave you with Nagella below.

Nag Diaries 2.5

The Porn is back.  Found on the PC.  Dont konw who did it.  But it was not me.  I hate this feeling.  It makes my stomach churn.  To think that my husband, in hell he would rather burn. I could tell something was wrong.  He usually starts acting weird.  Going all the way down the block & around the corner to explain simple stuff.  Maybe I am just being paranoid but I cannot lie.  I dont trust him sometimes.  Honestly. 

I went through this period where I would get urges to check the internet history and his emails & something inside me would shake.  I would stop myself & say dont worry bout it.  Gosh I just wish I was sure about some things.  That I had a steadiness within me about my marriage because it permeates everything in my life.  Nauseating.  I wish I could walk away knowing that the pain would not soon follow as I walk away.  Knowing that my daughter would not be affected.  But the pain will follow, hop on my back and creep its way into the secret places of my heart.  My daughter would be devestated.  But seriously, what about me?  Is that wrong to ask?

Im done.  Fork me.

Nag Diaries 2.3 - Control Remote

Ha - admit it!  Men love to channel surf - they cant help it and I finally got my hubby to admit it.  Well it was after one of our pseudo arguments.  We ate dinner in front o fthe TV today and I was already a little bit testy.  My hub likes to play these, I'm not going to take the responsibility games with me.  Well that is what I think anyway - he would beg to differ.  So, I am trying to eat and there is an inappropriate TV show on - he knows this, I know this and my daughter was on her way to finding out what the show was ALL about.

So hubby plays that role again....and action!

Hubdub: Eh, you can turn the channel

Me: Im eating, just turn.

Hubdub: Im busy doing laundry, why dont you turn

Me: {thinks to myself - I see where this is going and quite irritated now} just turn the freakin channel

Hubdub: NO! {then proceeds to toss the remote to me}

Me: {steam coming from ears, nose and throat} ughhh!  fine I will turn

Daughter: {looks up at me with doe eyes} I dont like it when you guys argue

Me: {embarassed as heck!} we werent arguing - daddy just wouldnt listen to me

Hubdub: {growls at me}

So all in all - yeah I think that went pretty well.  The conversation continued after baby girl went to bed where my HUBDUB - done da da daaah - ladies and gentlemen - he admited. he had. a. problem. channel surfing.  I mean talk about unexpected, orgasmic, revelation dropping admission.  So I do my little I was right dance - ta hee hee.  You better believe it baby - *WINK

Nag Diaries 2.2 - Hub a dub dub

The aftermath of my birthday weekend was good.  I feel like my husband and I are learning how to be a married couple......hmm.......that sounds funny.  Nonetheless we are learning.  I still get irritated - so does he but my irritation is more muted now.  He tries his best to be more understanding and I think he is learning about himself in the process.  We are still attending the Fireproof class and finally next month we get to see the entire movie - SUPA DUPA WOWSER!

Marriage Quote for the Day
~ Marriage is popular because it combines the maximum of temptation with the maximum of opportunity.
                       GEORGE BERNARD SHAW, Maxims for Revolutionists

Nag Diaries - with Jesus

I went to my first marriage ministry meeting today - by myself. It was very difficult and I wanted to just burst out in tears as I sat listening to the HUSBANDS esteem their wives. They were so proud of them and so...............loving. My heart fell right through my arse and onto the floor and just sat there bleeding. I didnt really talk much and it felt like a scene from an AA meeting -

Facilitator: "How bout you NaLonni, do you have anything to say?"
Me: "Nope, just listening."

I didnt know what to say. How do you say that you are slowly dying inside and that pretty little "picture frame marriage" that I had in mind is just that - a picture in a frame. You know, I know that God is real to me but how can I stay faithful in my marriage - now I am not talking about cheating - I mean stay faithful in that I am prayerful and understanding and not taking digs at him because I know this is not what God would have me to do?

We are going through the Fireproof series with Kirk Cameron. Now I must say - he is a really good actor and the little mini clip that we got to see tonight was funny. It was like they took a page out of my journal........that is really sad though. Other couples go through this. Oh well. I am going to go next month and God willing, he will change my mind and deal with me so that I can be a good wife to my husband and a good mother to my daughter.

Toodles for now!

Nag Diaries something.something 2.0

Once upon a time I decided I wanted to be an actress/actor. I look at TV and think about how many individuals come together to present this cinematic tapistry by pouring out their souls to millions of strangers that they will never meet. I can do that.......if only I wasnt the star of my own low budget film. *frowns* It seems we as humans try to compensate for the things we do not have or the things we desperately want only to find out that there is a bigger, more meaningful "need" that we are ignoring all the while.

My 7th grade teacher once told me that I was too smart for my own good and I was letting it go to waste.......Mrs. Edwards. I will never forget her. And even then, as a seventh grader - I was searching for something - as young as I was. I thought I had found it in my insane infatuation of the most popular guy in school - Mr. Marcus Brown. He was cool, he was cute...I guess and he was one of those kids who got on my nerves-he always dressed really nice.

After a tortuous 2 years in junior high school, being tormented, teased, ragged on, heart crushed and deflated - I was still head over heals for the one responsible for the said torture and had presumptiously decided to tell him.

Why is it when you decide to do something important - life decides to say otherwise. He was dead. He was dead. He was dead. Murdered. By some wannabe crip or blood who decided they really had to take the whole initation thing to the next level. *Cliche coming* half of me died that day i found out Marcus was dead. He used to call me bubble lip - and sing stupid songs about whether or not my lip hung low.....and they say teasing in school only makes you stronger.........So I named my little brother after him. Marcus Wright.

But that didnt give me what I wanted - only a constant reminder of someone who never got to be. And that is how my life has been so far. Just constant reminders of someone who never got to be.

I wanted to find someone. A marriage. A relationship with someone that would last. Someone that would treat me right........you know all that crap that people make millions for writing about. Instead I got bruised physically and emotionally. But life did come out of this situation. My daughter. Beautiful. Full of Life. Smart. Wise beyond her years. Everything that I am not.

Now I find myself neck deep in a life that I dont understand - dont like - dont understand - dont want to be in - aimless. Shiftless. I wish sometimes that God would just go ahead and take me now. But then how would he get the Glory out of a life that has been wasted.

So what's a girl to do? Maybe therein lies the problem. Im still a girl with problems of a woman.

Nag Diaries.......something point something

So, the marriage - it's going. We are in a calm spot right now - I am calmly smiling at everything and examining my behaviour towards my husband and he is........horny......but not for me so much. Not saying that he wants someone else but............let's just say it has been a month.

Do to the stress of my marriage, mother nature decided that my body needed to let me know I was too stressed and thus Menorrhagia was born -and it has been 30 days and night of aaaaaghh!!!!! - this is sooooo unfair. But God is good because he knows exactly what to do to tell you that your body is out of whack and you need to get right and stop stressing.

So - I am trying to get right and not let my marriage kill me. My granny says I need to basically suck it up and roll with the punches. it hasnt even been two years yet..........

I would rather punch my husband though.......sometimes. But I love him.