Nag Diaries - Ramblings of a Mediocrity laced vacation........

Boy I've been fighting that word all of my life.  Sometimes I can't get out of my own way and live the life I know God wants for me.  It's like I have these invisible weights on my feet and on my mind...dragging my feet behind me...whispering thoughts of negativity - you can't do it, you're getting old, what about your asthma, who's gonna take care of your daughter while you do it and the big one - WHERE YA GONNA GET THE MONEY TO TRAIN???
GOD - IF TEARS WERE DOLLARS I WOULD BE A BILLIONAIRE 3 TIMES OVER.
Fact.  I don't know how I'm going to do it.  Fact. I KNOW I have to do it.  Fact. Why am I here if not to just do it?


I promised my mom once.  When she was in jail of all places....I wrote her a letter.  One of those angst filled letters of missing someone too much and struggling with "becoming"  - I think I had to be like 14 or something.  I promised her something.  And I have reneged on that promise far too long. 


Flash forward - I remember laying in my aunts guest bed.  Moon shining down on me through the window in Long Beach, CA.  I had just left Phoenix behind to let it and the people there go to hell on their own.  I remember.  I said Lord, please bring my mom home and stop her from using drugs.  I begged him to help me.  I begged him and apologized for the things I had done at age 14 - 16.  I begged him.  Then my grandfather died. And God continued to silently wait on me.


16 years later - here I am. God is still waiting.  We've had lots of fights.  I've been a sometimey friend.  He's chastised me.  Broken me.  Reminded me. Provoked me. tapped me on my shoulder a couple of times. Pushed me to the back seat.  I promptly and pridefully put him in the trunk, jumped in the drivers seat and gunned it.  He slowed my getaway with painful awakenings.  It's time to wake up. I ran out of gas more times then I approve of.  He didn't care. It was my fault anyway.  I needed a major tune up - He was there.  My wheels went flat but He was my run flat tire. I lost control MANY times, crashed and burned. He paid the deductible and fixed me.  Even when I was a total loss. 


I still had value, so he never left me. 


My aunt passed away last week. She was young. She was sick. She was a mother & grandmother.  She loved God.  He loved her more.  She is gone.  She didn't take care of herself until it was too late.  I don't want that to be me.  I don't want to leave this earth where the only thing I leave behind is this blog which doesnt really tell you who I am.


Mediocre.  Word origin - French. Meaning middling height or state.  Also related to the word Medial - pertaining to a mean or average.  With a name like mine - there is NO WAY God made me to be Average.  I think not.  I have made me average.  Blending in to the backgroud.  Voice silent. No more.  I am done. 


It's time to wake up.  So  I will take my left leg with 1 plate and 9 screws in it.  I will take my 4 miscarriages. I will take my mistakes - 2 abortions and some unsavory goings on in the dark - smirk.  I will take what the media has said is beautiful and toss that in the trash.  I will take the fact that Asthma plaques my body.  I will take the fact that I am overweight.  I will take the fact that yes my husband had an affair 2 years ago and I stayed - I love him and he has shown me he loves me.   I will take the fact that I've had a 21 year long affair with mediocrity.  I will take the fact that my father has been absent all of my life.  I will take the fact that my mom was absent for the years that mattered.  I will take the fact that I am mean sometimes because of these things.  I allow them to fester within and manifest itself in my behavior. 


What I will not take is another 21 years of it.  So I will take all of those things.  Remember them.  Use those things to fuel my mediocrity into Greatness.  I will take those things.  They will no longer take me.  It's time to wake up.

Nag Diaries - Selfishness

Selfishness and Ways Husbands Diffuse Angry Wives


annnnnnnnd  ACTION*


Wife thinks, yay, leftovers!!!  Stomps to fridge after long day of work, looks for said leftovers - Orange Chicken to be exact - shuffles numerous bowls around in fridge......NO LEFTOVERS - The sudd muffin struck again.
cut to M.T.A next (marriage texting argument)


Me:  Did you eat ALL the orange chicken??


Sudd-Muffin:  There wasn't very much left.  Hey you know you cute right?
Me: **anger fizzles like a wet firecracker**  You had me at cute. blows Android Kiss via text


Slowly drifts away in lal-la land and pours a bowl of cereal instead.

Nag Diaries 45.6 - Closet knighting and Kitchen bathrooms - My Top 6

1. Toilet seat down but no toilet paper cause it's STILL sitting in the hallway where he left it.
2. Dishes in the dishrack (because, yay, he washed them) but more dishes in BOTH sides of the sink because he used those before he left and I (wifey) am the unpaid maid.
3. Those sheets don't smell like butt crack and armpits for nothing.  I WASH THEM.
4. Two corners of our room have been knighted as a closet.  Shoes, socks & clothes trail the room leading to the "closets".  I clean the closets out 4 times a week.
5. I bought laundry baskets so I wouldn't have to clean out the closets 4 times a week. They are empty. And dusty.

6. Our master bathroom has an alter ego by the name of "kitchen".  The dishes that were left in both sides of the sink, that the maid washes, came from the kitchen in the master bathroom.

Nag Diary 26.9 - Comic Book Hope

The other day I found a journal I bought the summer after I graduated from high school (1999).  It is a Wonder Woman Journal.  I bought it from Walgreens I think in Los Angeles.  I found a lot of poetry I wrote in it, songs from my friends I met at Shakespeare Festival LA/Will Power to Youth that year, letters from them, drawings, the angst of a young girl trying to find herself, falling in love, fighting in love & losing in love over the span of 6 years.

It wasn't pretty.  It was downright butt ugly.  God I was a love sick dog with like 3 legs, limping down the road of despair.  I was stupid.  I allowed myself to be insanely jealous, dumb & weak.  I allowed myself to be abused.  He was horrible.  He didn't love me.  He didn't even care.  To think I cheated on my high school loser boyfriend to get with another loser whom I thought was my "moon and stars" as the Khaleesi would say.  He wasn't.  But he gave me the sun which I am most thankful for.

I went through 4 boyfriends in that journal - FOUR - as well as like 5 years of college in that one journal AND I found an entry where I had a miscarriage in February 2000.  I had forgotten.  It red ink spread all over the page around the picture of Wonder Woman in the jaws of some type of Jurassic monster with lots of teeth.

WOW.  Seeing that was like a shot to the chest.  I cant believe I had forgotten.  I cant believe my mind was so messed up back then & still is.  The pain and confusion in my writing was so heavy.  But the thing that really threw me for a loop was that it was the same ole same ole issues.  Low self esteem, indecision, self-hate - self pity.  Those same things that I struggle with now as a wife & mother.  Over 10 years later.  Same old crap.  Sd how do I deal? How to I leave these emotional wounds behind & finally get to the point of scabs & then finally scars?

I was watching Joyce Meyers message on emotional healing.  She pointed out that self-pity is the same as idolotry.  How right she is. I've read countless times in the bible & on blogs, the best medicine to heal your sorrow is to help someone else; focus on someone elses issues because there is always another person in a predicament worse than you.  God I hope that's true.  It has to be or everything I have been through has been for nothing.  I will be damned before I let that happen.

Nag Diaries - HO HUM....SAME OLE...TATTERED DRUM

And the beat goes on.  I found another one last night.  Another remnant of one humans weakness.  It lodged in the back of my throat and slowly made it's trek down, slashing jagged holes in my esophagus as it went - allowing all the air to escape from my lungs.  I couldn't breath. Again.

God I am so embarrassed to even talk about this. 
I want to talk about it but then I would be exposing the darkest, saddest place of my marriage to people I know and don't know.  I have to believe I am not the only one.  In fact, I KNOW I am not the only one.  But dang.  Shoot!  Crap.  The forks are still missing by the way. 

I don't think I can do it. 

What I can say is, I hate it.  The knowing.  The feeling that I am may be reliving 2009 and my Waiting to Exhale - Angela Bassett moment.  God - it hurts.  I don't know what it is with him.  I think I am an AWESOME wife.  I bust my butt.  I support 100%.  I am the most understanding woman you wanna get into an argument with.......oh God - their back.

Low Self Esteem and Self-pity just barged right on in through that open door.  Ok, this is me shooing them right back out or did they not get the memo?

I am home by myself today.  I worked for a while.  I washed my hair and slicked it back into a puff ball pony.  I'm still going bald but not willing to shear everything off again.  I feel good though without my hat.  Now I sit here about to shove some pizza down the pie hole and.....do what?  yeah.  I thought so.

NAG DIARIES - ****NEWS FLASH*****

I had to sit down on my break and blog.  Oh my goodness. I cant breathe.  Wait....hold....on.....there it is.  Breath.  My sudd-muffin.  My suff-muffin.  He died.  I cannot believe it.  My prayers have been answered.  He died to the old Garrett and was reborn the New Sudd Muffin.

***Dream sequences goes here***

The first time I write a check at any grocery store - WALMART - it bounced.  Not because we didn't have the money but because Chase picks and chooses when they want things to post.  Devils they are.  I was pissed.  It irritated me.  I knew I shouldn't have wrote that check but noooooooo, I never bring my debit card with me because I don't want to spend money. 

Anyway, here is the sudd-muffin, cute as can be, not arguing, not fussing or cussing at the fact that we are broke and bank account overdrawn.  God is still good. 

He tells me, don't worry about it. 
We will have money, give me a coffee kiss. 
WHAT???  I took 2 steps back and asked him, "Where is my husband and what have you done with him?"
His response:  I'm not going to worry about what we don't have.

I was shocked and at a loss for words.  These were MY WORDS VERBATIM.  Upchucked from some crevice of his mind where he stores stuff that he actually takes in from me.  I couldn't  believe he actually said that.  Are we making progress???  Baby steps...baby steps

Nag Diaries - PMS Day 2

The dishes were still there.  Uggggggghhhhhhh!!  Not only were they still there - they were piled up in the sink.  Que-eva.  Now on to the rest of my day and the food portion of my powdered mustard seed plan (I said I would cook more).


I made breakfast for everyone - including the sudd-muffin.  Didnt say nothing about the dishes and just did them myself.  So much easier.  I even made the sudd-muffins lunch and I was actually happy about it.  Maybe we have been having so many issues being married because I wasnt participating in the marriage.  Doing these things actually made me feel good about being "wifely"  - go figure. 

Lunch!
I made lunch for the baby girl. I had a couple of scientists really interested in the contents of my refrigerator - particularly interested in some cherry tomatoes, cucumber and a mango.  I had to get rid of them so, SALAD it was along with breaded chicken patty sandwiches and orange slices.

Ingredients
1 old cucumber
Some old cherry tomatoes (pick out the bad ones)
1 mango (or any fruit you have on hand, preferably something like pineapple)
Cut up the veggies in small pieces and toss them in a bowl.

Eyeball the following ingredients

salt

pepper

lemon juice

sugar

balsamic vinegar

olive oil

Whisk together all the ingredients, taste, add more sugar and pour over veggies/mango and toss.  Voila!  I had a pretty picture of the actual food that was plated but........as I went to put some ketchup on my sandwich, it squirted out all over my sandwich, salad and orange slices......so.  Yeah. That's all I got there.

Moving on to my health portion - I was tired.  Really tired but I made myself get up and take my daughter for a walk down our little neighborhood path to the man-made lake.  We brought old sourdough bread for the duckies (I really must clean out my fridge and pantry more often).  It was a gorgeous day today and there were a lot of kids out.  It's funny how a little old bread can bring both kid and ducks flocking.

For dinner I cooked baked tilapia with garlic butter sauce, rice pilaf and broccoli. 

 Annnnnddddd - CAKE!!!

 
Me and the sudd-muffin spoke.  He grabbed me real quick for a kiss and a hug.....didn't know what to think of that so I just went with it.  I think my plan may be working....so thank you lord for Day 2 of the rest of my life.