Nag Diaries 76.9 - MOL/Have Time, Will Travel - NaBloPoMo

So, I guess my first attempt at this post was a little harsh and I got God-smacked.  How can you type for like 15 mins and blogger not auto-save???? 

It just popped right back up!

Original blog post gone.  So irritated right now.  Don't feel like writing.  So here we go.

Marriage.  MOL.  No Wife Attention.  More MOL attention.  Exasperated.  Pissed. Lonely.  MOL need to leave.  She's great but need to leave. Spend time with me. That Xbox get's more action than our bed.  Sucketh. You. Do.  Arggggg. 

WANTED: Girlfriends in the Gulfcoast area.  Age 27 and up. Gossip and trash talk included.  Must pray, you know for all the trash talking - we have to repent.  Must be married or have been married.  Single women wont help me.  They will just make me envy them.  Must love food, movies, travel.  I want to travel. Let's travel.  I may run away.

Note: MOL= Mother-in-Law

Nag Diaries 78.2 - Marriage Strudel

I am a manipulator.  You have to be when you get married.  Manipulation is not all bad.  There is good manipulation, selfish manipulation, sexual manipulation, financial manipulation - all kinds.  I am a master manipulator.  I thought I was rather good at it until I met my husband.  No, I am not talking about the bad manipulation to get people to do what you want but the little wife tricks to draw the husband in - the harmless manipulation.


He is the king of manipulation reversal.    He doesn't care if we spend time together.  He doesn't care if I happen to appreciate how another man looks.  He doesn't care if I leave for hours without a call.  Doesn't really matter.  Nothing really matters except Wrestling, MMA and Xbox - the 3 Kings.  He also doesn't hang around Jealousy avenue.  I take that back. 


He got jealous.  Once.  He met the man I was dating right before we met.  Shawn.  Shawn had big muscles and was well groomed.  Shawn was a cutie pie.  The sudd-muffin didn't like Shawn.  Oh boy he was soooo jealous.  It was exciting.


I believe he likes when I leave in one of my fits of anger.  He has free time to do what he wants without me, the wife, asking for his attention.  It's a win-win situation for him.  If I say I am going out, there is no response.  I can almost hear the wheels turning in his head, calculating how much lazy time he will have to play video games and just bum it.  Ha!  And I thought I was really getting his goat.  Wrong.  He got mine and milked that sucker dry.


So day after day, I send the signals and put out the layers of my marriage strudel, hoping he will bite.  Layers stretched so thin you can almost see through em'.  


He hates pie and tarts anyway so what was I expecting.  He told me about a week ago he wasn't happy but he didn't want to be here, in Mississippi, without me.  


I think he is lying.  He has everything he needs here.  His family, old friends, old territory, old memories.  I don't really add anything to the mix.  It's like once I finally agreed to move to Mississippi, all the promises and expectations stayed in Texas - along with my $1k camera.  


It was all just talk.  


My strudel is stuffed.  I cook for him.  He says, hey thanks.  I fill my marriage with understanding.  I stuff it with tiny steps of patience.  


I ignore being ignored or being passed over for the Xbox.  I even ask if I can play too.  Nothing ever comes of that.  I pray.  Not for him but one of those, Lord change me prayers. Help me to understand that yes, I am being a bitch - excuse me, Lord forgive me.  


Help me to understand that no, my husband has no idea what the word cherish means unless we are talking about his Star Wars memorabilia.  Help me to understand me.  


I have gotten over the sexy women on TV.  I don't care how they look or if he is looking.  Doesn't really matter to me anymore.  I don't even care if he is looking at porn on the internet anymore.  He can deal with that devil.  I could give a pigs trough what I look like either.  It's not like he actually sees me anyway.  Not really.  I am invisible.  Everything is invisible.


My marriage strudel still sits here.  Untouched.  Festering.  Rotting.  Waiting for me to toss it out for the day and start anew tomorrow.


I should go shopping.

Nag Diaries - Top 10 Things I Learned While Packing

1. That old box of books sitting in the garage has been food for the moths.
2. KEEP YOUR ALLEN WRENCHES!
3. Dont have a quickie in your now empty but staple, tack and screw laced bedroom floor.
4. Lock the door if you do so.
5. Dont pack all of your clothes if you are not sure of what day you will actually leave.
6. Same goes for clean underwear.
7. Don't let your husband pack.  That box with no label and taped up neatly is full of trash.
8. Your 10 year old REALLY doesn't need ALL of those stuffed animal toys.
9. Husbands who are not caprentry inclined should stay AWAY from taking furniture apart.
10. If all else fails and you have too much crap to put on your truck, craiglist it.

Nag Diaries - Ramblings of a Mediocrity laced vacation........

Boy I've been fighting that word all of my life.  Sometimes I can't get out of my own way and live the life I know God wants for me.  It's like I have these invisible weights on my feet and on my mind...dragging my feet behind me...whispering thoughts of negativity - you can't do it, you're getting old, what about your asthma, who's gonna take care of your daughter while you do it and the big one - WHERE YA GONNA GET THE MONEY TO TRAIN???
GOD - IF TEARS WERE DOLLARS I WOULD BE A BILLIONAIRE 3 TIMES OVER.
Fact.  I don't know how I'm going to do it.  Fact. I KNOW I have to do it.  Fact. Why am I here if not to just do it?


I promised my mom once.  When she was in jail of all places....I wrote her a letter.  One of those angst filled letters of missing someone too much and struggling with "becoming"  - I think I had to be like 14 or something.  I promised her something.  And I have reneged on that promise far too long. 


Flash forward - I remember laying in my aunts guest bed.  Moon shining down on me through the window in Long Beach, CA.  I had just left Phoenix behind to let it and the people there go to hell on their own.  I remember.  I said Lord, please bring my mom home and stop her from using drugs.  I begged him to help me.  I begged him and apologized for the things I had done at age 14 - 16.  I begged him.  Then my grandfather died. And God continued to silently wait on me.


16 years later - here I am. God is still waiting.  We've had lots of fights.  I've been a sometimey friend.  He's chastised me.  Broken me.  Reminded me. Provoked me. tapped me on my shoulder a couple of times. Pushed me to the back seat.  I promptly and pridefully put him in the trunk, jumped in the drivers seat and gunned it.  He slowed my getaway with painful awakenings.  It's time to wake up. I ran out of gas more times then I approve of.  He didn't care. It was my fault anyway.  I needed a major tune up - He was there.  My wheels went flat but He was my run flat tire. I lost control MANY times, crashed and burned. He paid the deductible and fixed me.  Even when I was a total loss. 


I still had value, so he never left me. 


My aunt passed away last week. She was young. She was sick. She was a mother & grandmother.  She loved God.  He loved her more.  She is gone.  She didn't take care of herself until it was too late.  I don't want that to be me.  I don't want to leave this earth where the only thing I leave behind is this blog which doesnt really tell you who I am.


Mediocre.  Word origin - French. Meaning middling height or state.  Also related to the word Medial - pertaining to a mean or average.  With a name like mine - there is NO WAY God made me to be Average.  I think not.  I have made me average.  Blending in to the backgroud.  Voice silent. No more.  I am done. 


It's time to wake up.  So  I will take my left leg with 1 plate and 9 screws in it.  I will take my 4 miscarriages. I will take my mistakes - 2 abortions and some unsavory goings on in the dark - smirk.  I will take what the media has said is beautiful and toss that in the trash.  I will take the fact that Asthma plaques my body.  I will take the fact that I am overweight.  I will take the fact that yes my husband had an affair 2 years ago and I stayed - I love him and he has shown me he loves me.   I will take the fact that I've had a 21 year long affair with mediocrity.  I will take the fact that my father has been absent all of my life.  I will take the fact that my mom was absent for the years that mattered.  I will take the fact that I am mean sometimes because of these things.  I allow them to fester within and manifest itself in my behavior. 


What I will not take is another 21 years of it.  So I will take all of those things.  Remember them.  Use those things to fuel my mediocrity into Greatness.  I will take those things.  They will no longer take me.  It's time to wake up.

Nag Diaries - Selfishness

Selfishness and Ways Husbands Diffuse Angry Wives


annnnnnnnd  ACTION*


Wife thinks, yay, leftovers!!!  Stomps to fridge after long day of work, looks for said leftovers - Orange Chicken to be exact - shuffles numerous bowls around in fridge......NO LEFTOVERS - The sudd muffin struck again.
cut to M.T.A next (marriage texting argument)


Me:  Did you eat ALL the orange chicken??


Sudd-Muffin:  There wasn't very much left.  Hey you know you cute right?
Me: **anger fizzles like a wet firecracker**  You had me at cute. blows Android Kiss via text


Slowly drifts away in lal-la land and pours a bowl of cereal instead.

Nag Diaries 45.6 - Closet knighting and Kitchen bathrooms - My Top 6

1. Toilet seat down but no toilet paper cause it's STILL sitting in the hallway where he left it.
2. Dishes in the dishrack (because, yay, he washed them) but more dishes in BOTH sides of the sink because he used those before he left and I (wifey) am the unpaid maid.
3. Those sheets don't smell like butt crack and armpits for nothing.  I WASH THEM.
4. Two corners of our room have been knighted as a closet.  Shoes, socks & clothes trail the room leading to the "closets".  I clean the closets out 4 times a week.
5. I bought laundry baskets so I wouldn't have to clean out the closets 4 times a week. They are empty. And dusty.

6. Our master bathroom has an alter ego by the name of "kitchen".  The dishes that were left in both sides of the sink, that the maid washes, came from the kitchen in the master bathroom.

Nag Diary 26.9 - Comic Book Hope

The other day I found a journal I bought the summer after I graduated from high school (1999).  It is a Wonder Woman Journal.  I bought it from Walgreens I think in Los Angeles.  I found a lot of poetry I wrote in it, songs from my friends I met at Shakespeare Festival LA/Will Power to Youth that year, letters from them, drawings, the angst of a young girl trying to find herself, falling in love, fighting in love & losing in love over the span of 6 years.

It wasn't pretty.  It was downright butt ugly.  God I was a love sick dog with like 3 legs, limping down the road of despair.  I was stupid.  I allowed myself to be insanely jealous, dumb & weak.  I allowed myself to be abused.  He was horrible.  He didn't love me.  He didn't even care.  To think I cheated on my high school loser boyfriend to get with another loser whom I thought was my "moon and stars" as the Khaleesi would say.  He wasn't.  But he gave me the sun which I am most thankful for.

I went through 4 boyfriends in that journal - FOUR - as well as like 5 years of college in that one journal AND I found an entry where I had a miscarriage in February 2000.  I had forgotten.  It red ink spread all over the page around the picture of Wonder Woman in the jaws of some type of Jurassic monster with lots of teeth.

WOW.  Seeing that was like a shot to the chest.  I cant believe I had forgotten.  I cant believe my mind was so messed up back then & still is.  The pain and confusion in my writing was so heavy.  But the thing that really threw me for a loop was that it was the same ole same ole issues.  Low self esteem, indecision, self-hate - self pity.  Those same things that I struggle with now as a wife & mother.  Over 10 years later.  Same old crap.  Sd how do I deal? How to I leave these emotional wounds behind & finally get to the point of scabs & then finally scars?

I was watching Joyce Meyers message on emotional healing.  She pointed out that self-pity is the same as idolotry.  How right she is. I've read countless times in the bible & on blogs, the best medicine to heal your sorrow is to help someone else; focus on someone elses issues because there is always another person in a predicament worse than you.  God I hope that's true.  It has to be or everything I have been through has been for nothing.  I will be damned before I let that happen.