Nag Diaries something.something 2.0

Once upon a time I decided I wanted to be an actress/actor. I look at TV and think about how many individuals come together to present this cinematic tapistry by pouring out their souls to millions of strangers that they will never meet. I can do that.......if only I wasnt the star of my own low budget film. *frowns* It seems we as humans try to compensate for the things we do not have or the things we desperately want only to find out that there is a bigger, more meaningful "need" that we are ignoring all the while.

My 7th grade teacher once told me that I was too smart for my own good and I was letting it go to waste.......Mrs. Edwards. I will never forget her. And even then, as a seventh grader - I was searching for something - as young as I was. I thought I had found it in my insane infatuation of the most popular guy in school - Mr. Marcus Brown. He was cool, he was cute...I guess and he was one of those kids who got on my nerves-he always dressed really nice.

After a tortuous 2 years in junior high school, being tormented, teased, ragged on, heart crushed and deflated - I was still head over heals for the one responsible for the said torture and had presumptiously decided to tell him.

Why is it when you decide to do something important - life decides to say otherwise. He was dead. He was dead. He was dead. Murdered. By some wannabe crip or blood who decided they really had to take the whole initation thing to the next level. *Cliche coming* half of me died that day i found out Marcus was dead. He used to call me bubble lip - and sing stupid songs about whether or not my lip hung low.....and they say teasing in school only makes you stronger.........So I named my little brother after him. Marcus Wright.

But that didnt give me what I wanted - only a constant reminder of someone who never got to be. And that is how my life has been so far. Just constant reminders of someone who never got to be.

I wanted to find someone. A marriage. A relationship with someone that would last. Someone that would treat me right........you know all that crap that people make millions for writing about. Instead I got bruised physically and emotionally. But life did come out of this situation. My daughter. Beautiful. Full of Life. Smart. Wise beyond her years. Everything that I am not.

Now I find myself neck deep in a life that I dont understand - dont like - dont understand - dont want to be in - aimless. Shiftless. I wish sometimes that God would just go ahead and take me now. But then how would he get the Glory out of a life that has been wasted.

So what's a girl to do? Maybe therein lies the problem. Im still a girl with problems of a woman.

Nag Diaries.......something point something

So, the marriage - it's going. We are in a calm spot right now - I am calmly smiling at everything and examining my behaviour towards my husband and he is........horny......but not for me so much. Not saying that he wants someone else but............let's just say it has been a month.

Do to the stress of my marriage, mother nature decided that my body needed to let me know I was too stressed and thus Menorrhagia was born -and it has been 30 days and night of aaaaaghh!!!!! - this is sooooo unfair. But God is good because he knows exactly what to do to tell you that your body is out of whack and you need to get right and stop stressing.

So - I am trying to get right and not let my marriage kill me. My granny says I need to basically suck it up and roll with the punches. it hasnt even been two years yet..........

I would rather punch my husband though.......sometimes. But I love him.

The Nag Diaries 2.0 - The D word

It has been a minute since I last blogged.....things are going great. I am working, my granny is working, my husband is working two jobs and he just got promoted to Captain/Supervisor position. You'd think I would be happier.......Im not. I couldnt even get excited about his promotion.....I dont want to be married anymore. One year and 6 months in and I would rather be by myself. I am tired of the lonliness, the sadness, the hurt the bitterness. I dont want to be a married bitter woman. Wishing I could meet someone else that will pay attention to me and adore me the way I adore them. True I am not innocent in this - lately the only thing I can think of whenever he is sharp with me is what an a-hole he is.....but would my reactions be the same if I didnt feel so disrespected and treated like an after-thought? What kind of marriage is this?

Men have this way of thinking that just because they are working - then everything should be fine - that they are doing more than enough. I mean what else would we want them to do?? I hate it. I dont like this marriage and I am pretty sure I am a coward when it comes to the suicidal thoughts so I would rather just be by myself. I can hack it- I have for 5 years until I met Garrett. I look at our wedding pictures often and just wish I can have some of that joy and elation that we had on that day. I wrote about this before........no one takes pictures of the not so happy days....no one has a mantle full of unsmiling families......only beautiful smiles that exude fantasy happiness - the Picture Frame Marriage is what I call it. We want so much of what was in that framed wedding day photo but truth be told.......that was just one day.

One of my coworkers says she keeps a calendar and X's out all the days when she fell out with her husband or the days they had a bad day. She said that she would ask herself everyday if her husband was worth it - if push came to shove could she deal with the months that had maybe more X's......I ask myself that all the time - Can I deal?

I havent always had the best love life and I would swear I was bipolar. I thought that maybe getting married would kind of make things better - granted that wasnt the reason WHY I got married but I hoped that my husband and I would become better not bitter. I dont know. I try to imagine my life without my husband and I think - yep I could do it. Then I think about my daughter.

How much more of her life can I ruin or make worse? How is that fair to her? But what about me? How can I be a good mother to her when I cant even have my joy? Im tired and empty. I dont want to get a divorce but everytime I think about it - something in my mind says leave him and get it over with - and then God steps in and tells me to have patience........but why? Why do I have to wait until he grows up? Why is it that a man never fully understands what he has UNTIL he loses it? Why cant they just see it right while they are in it? It's not fair. It hurts and the pain is nagging......is this the way my husband feels when I nag him? That it just wont go away? Irritated? Angry? Upset? Fed Up??

Guess it really doesnt matter huh.....going to bed now. By myself because my husband is more comfortable on the floor without me interupting his sleep with my arm around him..........what a sorry piece of mess I have.


Toodles....

The Biggest Loser

My church is planning their own Biggest Loser program. I am excited. I believe we will even have a prize. Motivation always helps in the battle with the bulge. Now I have to figure out when I wil have the chance to work out. More than likely it will be in the morning now that I am working.....oh yeah - work. Work is interesting. I am in training but I am also looking forward to helping people. There are so many people out here who need help right now. It is just so disheartening sometimes. You know people are hurting and they call in for unemployment insurance just to have their hopes dashed because most people dont realize that UI is NOT a form of welfare. But one can hope right?

The Nag Diaries 1.9 - Kiss me when you come home

I mean it is only like the right thing for a husband to do, right? Wrong. My hubby didn't kiss me when he came home. He didn't even come upstairs. He sat downstairs eating and surfing the internet. I wasn't as mad as my blog seems to project but I was irritated. I am a SNW - Special Needs Wife. I admit it. So we spent the wee hours of the morning hitting each other with pillows, tossing around phrases like "guess that PC likes your face more than I do" and "shut up". He kept taking my pillows and throwing them across the room........I kept whining about him not sleeping on my side of the bed cause I like to cuddle and all that. Then I made him turn the bed around.....just to get on his nerves.........how I love these little play times we have! If you all don't realize who my husband and I are like - then just watch the King of Queens.......yep that's us! UPS and all - except I don't look nearly as svelte as Carrie.........working on that. Anyway.........Happy New year folks.........is it the 7 already???

My baby girl is in her "I really don't want my homework" phase. She keeps losing ALL of her homework and then lying to me about it. I swear she is copying off another kid in her class. So I had to take away her TV, new keyboard and DVD privileges........gosh kids these days got it made!!! Today I am making her do laundry. It would be a punishment but she seems to LIKE doing chores........that's all for now.

BTW - I got a job. I am happy that I have a job but being fired for the first time in my life and unemployed has taught me a couple of lessons. Be content, thank God for all things and shut up. Complaining doesn't change anything except your mood from content to irritated.

Toodles!

Oh no you didnt!! The Bio-dad chronicles

Yep - my hub is not the bio dad for my daughter........OH GOD I WISH HE WERE. No her father, nope, daddy, nope, sperm donor - too much credit there, last name giver - DING DING DING.........he thinks he is doing me a favor by texting me out of the blue to let me know he is going to put some money in my back account. Whoop-dee-freakin-do. Sounds easy right? Wrong. My ex was an abuser - physical and verbally - he hasnt changed. For some reason he has decided that he knows EVERYTHING and usually when the man thinks he knows everything - nothing gets done amd hence, I end up with a conversation via text like this:

Last Name Giver: How u feelin?
Me: Good, u
Last Name Giver: Im coo. How's Rina?
Me: U could call and speak to her. She is about to go to
Arkansas with my mom in about 30 minutes.
LNG: 4 how long?
Me: Until Wednesday
LNG: I'll talk 2 her when she gets back. I'm about 2 put some money in ur account. (side-note: he hasnt talked to her in about THREE MONTHS and he didnt call on Christmas)
LNG: You still with Bank of America?
Me: I dont have that account anymore, let me give you my other account number.....blah blah blah
LNG: That number is too long
Me: It is a TEXAS account
LNG: Yeah but the numbers dont fit on my deposit slip.
Me: It doesnt have to, just go up to the teller window and deposit the money
LNG: I have already been to the bank twice - the number is too long
Me: Did you speak to a teller?
LNG: No, I figured it out myself
Me: It is a TEXAS ACCOUNT. The account numbers are different!
LNG: Well, I already left the bank and I will do it when I feel like it another day.
Me: WTFreak (sorry I dont curse)?
LNG: I will do it when I have time - Im busy anyway.
Me: Why do you have to be so complicated, just go into the bank and speak to a teller..........(no response)Dont waste your time. If I need anything from u then the judge can determine that. I am so tired of your crap. If you dont want to be a father 2 Rina then sign away ur rights and leave me alone.
LNG: F*%! you B*%!#
Me: OH NO YOU DIDNT! <--------ANGRY FACE

Hubby - via phone: Look bro, dont call my wife, dont text her, dont call this house unless you want to speak to Rina. Until then - step off.

LNG - the coward: via text: F&$! both yall B*^$!@#

apparently I dont know my own checking account number and I am the dummy. I have never filed child support on this guy because hey, people have issues and he is one of them, I have never asked him for anything. I am not a "baby mama drama" queen. I dont have time for that nor am I the type. But right about now - I am so done - someone needs to fork me. Yeah I said stick a fork in me - DONE. So I promptly went to old Gov. Swartzen-terminators site and filed a child support case. Enough is enough. It would be so easy to have him sign over his rights but I know he wont just to spite my husband because he wants to adopt her......but he has never given me anything for her in her entire life and I admit I have let him get off easy but enough is enough!

The Granny Diaries 1.0

Sooooo although me and my hubby have been fine - my granny and I are now going at it. Check it. When we first moved to Texas, I was the one that was working and paying for the majority of our rent and stuff - fine. Flash-forward 6 months later - I am out of a job and my grandmother and husband are now working. She is upset that I dont do enough around this house or my husband either for that matter. Mind you, I take her to work every morning by driving 20 miles to her job and I pick her up. My uncle just got out from prison and who is driving him around??? You know it - me. When my lazy smart aleck brother needs to be picked up from his Football practice - HELLO - there I am. And yet I cant say jack to him - even though he is in MY HOUSE and his room always looks like THIS -

Yet I am the one being fussed at??????????????????

I never clean up the way she likes it and our house is always filthy - OMG! Have you seen our house - it doesnt look like anyone lives here because it is always so CLEAN!



But according to my granny - it is filth-nasty-dirty. My granny is a neat freak. She likes things clean - spick-n-span. That is fine - in fact - I am a little bit just like her. On the other hand, I can go two days without cleaning our house. It is two stories and truth be told doesnt need to be cleaned EVERYDAY especially when it looks clean anyway! I do understand though that we need to clean up the little things - like the dust behind the washer and dryer or the crumbs at the bottom of the Fridge.....or the piece of trash under the couch that I had no idea was there.

Ok - so I didnt mop our entryway this week and there were cereal crumbs on the floor........SORRY - I didnt know. We had a shouting match today. I have NEVER shouted at my grandmother but I had had enough.....I thought she was going to hit me. She insulted me pretty badly.....but and right now I am tearing up from what she said......I dont know if I can forget what she said. Apparently I dont do enough so I will just clean up the way she would like and make sure if I have funds that I go shopping for meat - because that was one of her gripes too. Whatever. It is like a circus - a very clean circus. I am done.