Nag Diary 8.8: Moving on, Wishful Thinking, Future Happenings

Moving On
So yesterday was not a good day but God is good and today is a NEW day.  Being a wife is hard work.  Do you ever feel like, as a mom, wife, homemaker, worker - that you have on too many clothes, hats, accessories?  Do you know what I mean?  Let me explain.......

I feel like I have on one bright red sexy pump, one sensible running shoe, my mommy hat, an apron around my waist with some sexy drawers on for the hub, a halo on top of my head, one broken angel wing - dont know where the other fell off at, a duster tucked in the band of my apron - for cleaning, my nerd glasses on, my daughters math & science books balanced precariously on my head, my customer service voice turned on to help those unemployed people (lord end this recession!), my acting mask on because really I'm an actress who hasn't made it at all, my fat/skinny jeans on (I keep losing and gaining the weight) and a Rose between my teeth to set this sucker off!  *ding*


Wishful Thinking
Back to reality.  I often look at my wedding day pics - people frozen in time, euphoria and expectation and I have to admit I wish I could frame up my life, hang it on the wall and let the picture live for me.  Alas....... it cannot be done!!!!  We have to live our lives with the good and the bad, take everything in with grace and let things go with that same grace.  So yeah, my marriage is rough sometimes but I am spiritually sucking it up and asking God to carry those things that are too heavy for me.  Thank you!

Future Happenings

I want my baby girl to come home right noooooowwwwww!  I miss her and her grandmother sent me countless pics from her visit to Sacramento which only made things worse.  She is supposed to come home on August 21 but forget that mess - my baby is comin home like this week.  I will just pay for the ticket and keep it movin!  She is my world and I miss her terribly!!  


Until the next nag diary...Got purpose? No - then let's get it!

Nag Diaries 99.9 - YOU, YOU, YOU...YOU know I

Today started out as a good day but ended in silence.  I don't have anything to say to him..I know you.  You lie, you hide things and I can tell, regardless of what you say.  I don't get it.  5 years and you're still trying to convince  yourself that it's me not you.  I get tired of this feeling.  Tired of trusting, forgiving, hurting, then forgiving - and the vicious cycle continues.......

You know I prayed a long time for God to remove my dispair and hurt just so I could function.  He answered my prayer....He continues to answer that prayer because He knows my struggles...but how can I keep going?  

YOU don't get it.  

YES, I am insecure.  

YOU betrayed me.  

YES I still hurt. I am human.  

YES I have forgiven you.  But I have not forgotten.  

YES I love you.  But can you get over yourself enough to truly love me?

It would be better for you to just admit somethings even though I know they will hurt but the lying hurts more.

*cyber sniffle sniffle*

Nag Diaries 2.6

Seriously, do I look that stupid?   Why in the world tdo men, husbands to be exact seem to think that their wies are complete idiots??  Well I am no idiot & I sure as heck aint no dummy.  You konw I look past a lot of stuff my hub does, I even let  alot off stuff slide but enough is enough.  Why should women or men put up with the same old lying, excuses, laziness and just pure disrespect.  I am just untterly disgusted right now. 

I know I didnt really say much as far as what is going on but even talking about the same old crap is exhausting & mind numbing, so I will just leave you with Nagella below.

Nag Diaries 2.5

The Porn is back.  Found on the PC.  Dont konw who did it.  But it was not me.  I hate this feeling.  It makes my stomach churn.  To think that my husband, in hell he would rather burn. I could tell something was wrong.  He usually starts acting weird.  Going all the way down the block & around the corner to explain simple stuff.  Maybe I am just being paranoid but I cannot lie.  I dont trust him sometimes.  Honestly. 

I went through this period where I would get urges to check the internet history and his emails & something inside me would shake.  I would stop myself & say dont worry bout it.  Gosh I just wish I was sure about some things.  That I had a steadiness within me about my marriage because it permeates everything in my life.  Nauseating.  I wish I could walk away knowing that the pain would not soon follow as I walk away.  Knowing that my daughter would not be affected.  But the pain will follow, hop on my back and creep its way into the secret places of my heart.  My daughter would be devestated.  But seriously, what about me?  Is that wrong to ask?

Im done.  Fork me.

Nag Diaries 2.3 - Control Remote

Ha - admit it!  Men love to channel surf - they cant help it and I finally got my hubby to admit it.  Well it was after one of our pseudo arguments.  We ate dinner in front o fthe TV today and I was already a little bit testy.  My hub likes to play these, I'm not going to take the responsibility games with me.  Well that is what I think anyway - he would beg to differ.  So, I am trying to eat and there is an inappropriate TV show on - he knows this, I know this and my daughter was on her way to finding out what the show was ALL about.

So hubby plays that role again....and action!

Hubdub: Eh, you can turn the channel

Me: Im eating, just turn.

Hubdub: Im busy doing laundry, why dont you turn

Me: {thinks to myself - I see where this is going and quite irritated now} just turn the freakin channel

Hubdub: NO! {then proceeds to toss the remote to me}

Me: {steam coming from ears, nose and throat} ughhh!  fine I will turn

Daughter: {looks up at me with doe eyes} I dont like it when you guys argue

Me: {embarassed as heck!} we werent arguing - daddy just wouldnt listen to me

Hubdub: {growls at me}

So all in all - yeah I think that went pretty well.  The conversation continued after baby girl went to bed where my HUBDUB - done da da daaah - ladies and gentlemen - he admited. he had. a. problem. channel surfing.  I mean talk about unexpected, orgasmic, revelation dropping admission.  So I do my little I was right dance - ta hee hee.  You better believe it baby - *WINK

Nag Diaries 2.2 - Hub a dub dub

The aftermath of my birthday weekend was good.  I feel like my husband and I are learning how to be a married couple......hmm.......that sounds funny.  Nonetheless we are learning.  I still get irritated - so does he but my irritation is more muted now.  He tries his best to be more understanding and I think he is learning about himself in the process.  We are still attending the Fireproof class and finally next month we get to see the entire movie - SUPA DUPA WOWSER!

Marriage Quote for the Day
~ Marriage is popular because it combines the maximum of temptation with the maximum of opportunity.
                       GEORGE BERNARD SHAW, Maxims for Revolutionists

Nag Diaries - with Jesus

I went to my first marriage ministry meeting today - by myself. It was very difficult and I wanted to just burst out in tears as I sat listening to the HUSBANDS esteem their wives. They were so proud of them and so...............loving. My heart fell right through my arse and onto the floor and just sat there bleeding. I didnt really talk much and it felt like a scene from an AA meeting -

Facilitator: "How bout you NaLonni, do you have anything to say?"
Me: "Nope, just listening."

I didnt know what to say. How do you say that you are slowly dying inside and that pretty little "picture frame marriage" that I had in mind is just that - a picture in a frame. You know, I know that God is real to me but how can I stay faithful in my marriage - now I am not talking about cheating - I mean stay faithful in that I am prayerful and understanding and not taking digs at him because I know this is not what God would have me to do?

We are going through the Fireproof series with Kirk Cameron. Now I must say - he is a really good actor and the little mini clip that we got to see tonight was funny. It was like they took a page out of my journal........that is really sad though. Other couples go through this. Oh well. I am going to go next month and God willing, he will change my mind and deal with me so that I can be a good wife to my husband and a good mother to my daughter.

Toodles for now!