So recently - like yesterday - my husband started working at night - we are soooo broke. It has given me time to..........be by myself and ponder my thoughts. We have been having a little trouble as husband and wife........most married couples would have divorced by now. It's the little stuff that causes the biggest problems. So if you are reading this blog to get some insight into marriage - you are definately in the wrong place. I dont have any words of wisdom, funny anecdotes or stories of how my husband almost made me kill him........I just have the truth.
It's funny when you take the spotlight and shine it on your own disillusioned self - you find out and see all the things the are hiding - wrinkles, a couple of pounds, hidden disappointments - you know, all the things that your spouse tries to hide. I love my hubby - and not that I've been with you for so long so of course I love you type of thing but..........I love him despite how lazy he is sometimes, how junky he is - OMGoodness he is junky - despite how much I can't love myself - I still.....love....him.
My grandmother told me when we first moved to Texas that God spoke to her about our marriage and it was meant for her to tell me to encourage me. She told me that God said to not worry, he (my hubby) would be my healing and I would be his. Well - I aint healed and neither is he so I think we got some more wounds that we havent uncovered yet.
I struggle with my marriage and with my own self doubt - I dont want to push my husband away but sometimes he just makes me BOILING mad and I want to degrade him and put him down. but I cant - I try to honor him with my silence - esteem him like the Good Book says........
I read so many stories of women whose husbands have left them, the children and the marriage - just walked away and I wonder - why was it so easy for them? I mean what? Was the sex that bad? I mean really - who would walk away from free, guilt free sex - unless it was just too horrible - Me, myself - I get tired of it - my husband seems to think it's like that urge to go to the bathroom evey morning - you have to do it or your bladder will burst - so he never tires of it.
My thoughts have ended........I going to go play boggle.
