The Nag Diaries 2.0 - The D word

It has been a minute since I last blogged.....things are going great. I am working, my granny is working, my husband is working two jobs and he just got promoted to Captain/Supervisor position. You'd think I would be happier.......Im not. I couldnt even get excited about his promotion.....I dont want to be married anymore. One year and 6 months in and I would rather be by myself. I am tired of the lonliness, the sadness, the hurt the bitterness. I dont want to be a married bitter woman. Wishing I could meet someone else that will pay attention to me and adore me the way I adore them. True I am not innocent in this - lately the only thing I can think of whenever he is sharp with me is what an a-hole he is.....but would my reactions be the same if I didnt feel so disrespected and treated like an after-thought? What kind of marriage is this?

Men have this way of thinking that just because they are working - then everything should be fine - that they are doing more than enough. I mean what else would we want them to do?? I hate it. I dont like this marriage and I am pretty sure I am a coward when it comes to the suicidal thoughts so I would rather just be by myself. I can hack it- I have for 5 years until I met Garrett. I look at our wedding pictures often and just wish I can have some of that joy and elation that we had on that day. I wrote about this before........no one takes pictures of the not so happy days....no one has a mantle full of unsmiling families......only beautiful smiles that exude fantasy happiness - the Picture Frame Marriage is what I call it. We want so much of what was in that framed wedding day photo but truth be told.......that was just one day.

One of my coworkers says she keeps a calendar and X's out all the days when she fell out with her husband or the days they had a bad day. She said that she would ask herself everyday if her husband was worth it - if push came to shove could she deal with the months that had maybe more X's......I ask myself that all the time - Can I deal?

I havent always had the best love life and I would swear I was bipolar. I thought that maybe getting married would kind of make things better - granted that wasnt the reason WHY I got married but I hoped that my husband and I would become better not bitter. I dont know. I try to imagine my life without my husband and I think - yep I could do it. Then I think about my daughter.

How much more of her life can I ruin or make worse? How is that fair to her? But what about me? How can I be a good mother to her when I cant even have my joy? Im tired and empty. I dont want to get a divorce but everytime I think about it - something in my mind says leave him and get it over with - and then God steps in and tells me to have patience........but why? Why do I have to wait until he grows up? Why is it that a man never fully understands what he has UNTIL he loses it? Why cant they just see it right while they are in it? It's not fair. It hurts and the pain is nagging......is this the way my husband feels when I nag him? That it just wont go away? Irritated? Angry? Upset? Fed Up??

Guess it really doesnt matter huh.....going to bed now. By myself because my husband is more comfortable on the floor without me interupting his sleep with my arm around him..........what a sorry piece of mess I have.


Toodles....

The Biggest Loser

My church is planning their own Biggest Loser program. I am excited. I believe we will even have a prize. Motivation always helps in the battle with the bulge. Now I have to figure out when I wil have the chance to work out. More than likely it will be in the morning now that I am working.....oh yeah - work. Work is interesting. I am in training but I am also looking forward to helping people. There are so many people out here who need help right now. It is just so disheartening sometimes. You know people are hurting and they call in for unemployment insurance just to have their hopes dashed because most people dont realize that UI is NOT a form of welfare. But one can hope right?

The Nag Diaries 1.9 - Kiss me when you come home

I mean it is only like the right thing for a husband to do, right? Wrong. My hubby didn't kiss me when he came home. He didn't even come upstairs. He sat downstairs eating and surfing the internet. I wasn't as mad as my blog seems to project but I was irritated. I am a SNW - Special Needs Wife. I admit it. So we spent the wee hours of the morning hitting each other with pillows, tossing around phrases like "guess that PC likes your face more than I do" and "shut up". He kept taking my pillows and throwing them across the room........I kept whining about him not sleeping on my side of the bed cause I like to cuddle and all that. Then I made him turn the bed around.....just to get on his nerves.........how I love these little play times we have! If you all don't realize who my husband and I are like - then just watch the King of Queens.......yep that's us! UPS and all - except I don't look nearly as svelte as Carrie.........working on that. Anyway.........Happy New year folks.........is it the 7 already???

My baby girl is in her "I really don't want my homework" phase. She keeps losing ALL of her homework and then lying to me about it. I swear she is copying off another kid in her class. So I had to take away her TV, new keyboard and DVD privileges........gosh kids these days got it made!!! Today I am making her do laundry. It would be a punishment but she seems to LIKE doing chores........that's all for now.

BTW - I got a job. I am happy that I have a job but being fired for the first time in my life and unemployed has taught me a couple of lessons. Be content, thank God for all things and shut up. Complaining doesn't change anything except your mood from content to irritated.

Toodles!