Nag Diaries something.something 2.0

Once upon a time I decided I wanted to be an actress/actor. I look at TV and think about how many individuals come together to present this cinematic tapistry by pouring out their souls to millions of strangers that they will never meet. I can do that.......if only I wasnt the star of my own low budget film. *frowns* It seems we as humans try to compensate for the things we do not have or the things we desperately want only to find out that there is a bigger, more meaningful "need" that we are ignoring all the while.

My 7th grade teacher once told me that I was too smart for my own good and I was letting it go to waste.......Mrs. Edwards. I will never forget her. And even then, as a seventh grader - I was searching for something - as young as I was. I thought I had found it in my insane infatuation of the most popular guy in school - Mr. Marcus Brown. He was cool, he was cute...I guess and he was one of those kids who got on my nerves-he always dressed really nice.

After a tortuous 2 years in junior high school, being tormented, teased, ragged on, heart crushed and deflated - I was still head over heals for the one responsible for the said torture and had presumptiously decided to tell him.

Why is it when you decide to do something important - life decides to say otherwise. He was dead. He was dead. He was dead. Murdered. By some wannabe crip or blood who decided they really had to take the whole initation thing to the next level. *Cliche coming* half of me died that day i found out Marcus was dead. He used to call me bubble lip - and sing stupid songs about whether or not my lip hung low.....and they say teasing in school only makes you stronger.........So I named my little brother after him. Marcus Wright.

But that didnt give me what I wanted - only a constant reminder of someone who never got to be. And that is how my life has been so far. Just constant reminders of someone who never got to be.

I wanted to find someone. A marriage. A relationship with someone that would last. Someone that would treat me right........you know all that crap that people make millions for writing about. Instead I got bruised physically and emotionally. But life did come out of this situation. My daughter. Beautiful. Full of Life. Smart. Wise beyond her years. Everything that I am not.

Now I find myself neck deep in a life that I dont understand - dont like - dont understand - dont want to be in - aimless. Shiftless. I wish sometimes that God would just go ahead and take me now. But then how would he get the Glory out of a life that has been wasted.

So what's a girl to do? Maybe therein lies the problem. Im still a girl with problems of a woman.

Nag Diaries.......something point something

So, the marriage - it's going. We are in a calm spot right now - I am calmly smiling at everything and examining my behaviour towards my husband and he is........horny......but not for me so much. Not saying that he wants someone else but............let's just say it has been a month.

Do to the stress of my marriage, mother nature decided that my body needed to let me know I was too stressed and thus Menorrhagia was born -and it has been 30 days and night of aaaaaghh!!!!! - this is sooooo unfair. But God is good because he knows exactly what to do to tell you that your body is out of whack and you need to get right and stop stressing.

So - I am trying to get right and not let my marriage kill me. My granny says I need to basically suck it up and roll with the punches. it hasnt even been two years yet..........

I would rather punch my husband though.......sometimes. But I love him.