Nag Diary 11.0 - Powdered Mustard Seed

I got this inkling or ephipany in regards to powdered mustard seed after reading a good mommas Secret Mommy-hood Saturday Confession entry about her struggle with God and being angry at him. I understood all too well the confusion and anger. I don’t want to be confused and angry anymore. Having faith of a mustard seed is hard work. Even for such a tiny amount as a mustard seed.


Lately I have felt like all I have is mustard seed powder that has been slowly blowing away in the wind with every trial and tribulation I have had these last 2 years. But thank God for Kim. I am gathering up my mustard seed powder and trying to season up my faith, life, marriage, mommyhood, outlook and spirit with it.

So this is how my PMS plan (wait, PMS? that's just great - not intentional at all) for day one panned out....


Wee hours of 02-26-11
Driving home from the hospital, I get to house, sudd-muffin leaves me sitting in the car. mind you - its 1230am and DUH - I just got out of the hospital and feel like stir-fried crap. I went straight to the shower and fought hard not to cry.

I'm not gonna cry. It hurts. You might have to just walk away from this NayLahKnee. You and babygirl will be fine. What reason do I have to stay anyway???? Don’t cry. Don’t cry. Darn it - *sticks face under shower spray*

We argued when I got out of the shower. Same nag diary, different day. I told him I wasn't sure if I still wanted to be married to him. He left to sleep downstairs on the couch. Felt like an ass afterwards. He got up in the morning. Got ready for work. Told me in so many words he was leaving and left.

I prayed real hard that morning. I didn’t know what else to do. Lord, if this marriage is to be then, show me what to do. Matter fact, I'm not going to do anything unless it comes from you. NO bickering, no nagging, no anger - nothing. So I got up. Cleaned up cause the house was a mess. I'm not nagging. It just was. Made my babygirl and I breakfast. Washed the dishes and almost fell out from exertion.

3 hrs later:
Txt from Sudd-Muffin: how are u?
Me: I’m good. I didn’t get to say goodbye to you this morning so I hope you are having a good day. (that’s right, kill'em with kindness *smirk*)
Sudd-Muffin: You too
Me: I am making Tilapia for dinner. Would you like yours fried or Cajun style?
Sudd-muffin: I’m havin chili dogs
Sudd-muffin: I never got my chili dogs
Me: ok. we can have chili dogs then and I will cook tilapia tomorrow.
Sudd-muffin: There is a box of rice pilaf in the very back of the cabinet behind some stuff if you want
Sudd-Muffin: We got potatoes?
Me: I dunno. I have to look
{one hour later}
Sudd-Muffin: Potato?
Sudd-Muffin: Do I need to go to the store after work? for chips or fries or something..
Sudd-Muffin: Oh yeah, DONT TOUCH my cookies
Me: You can get chips or fries. Whatever u want
Me: WHAT COOKIES??????
Sudd-Muffin: Don’t worry about MY cookies {so random}Sudd-Muffin: Do we have potatoes?
Me: Yes. For what? {I never looked}
Sudd-Muffin: Fries


That was it. No sorry for last night or I love you or take it easy I will cook when I get home - nothing. I'm not nagging.


Sudd-muffin arrives at 530pm and crashes on the couch. Dead sleep. I start taking out dinner fixins quietly. I make everyone’s plate. We all trudge upstairs and eat dinner in front of the TV watching DVR'd Nikita and Vampire diaries. Sudd-muffin says thanks and leaves the room. I gather up plates and go downstairs. Sudd-muffin is on the PC playing MMA Wars on facebook. I see Red. Red sees me and sticks his tongue out - there goes some more powdered mustard seed in the wind.


Tears well up in my chest. I plug them up with a dirty old snotty tissue and put all the dishes in the sink and quietly go back upstairs to bed. He'll wash the dishes.....


Day 1 down - the rest of my life to go.