Nag Diaries 2.6

Seriously, do I look that stupid?   Why in the world tdo men, husbands to be exact seem to think that their wies are complete idiots??  Well I am no idiot & I sure as heck aint no dummy.  You konw I look past a lot of stuff my hub does, I even let  alot off stuff slide but enough is enough.  Why should women or men put up with the same old lying, excuses, laziness and just pure disrespect.  I am just untterly disgusted right now. 

I know I didnt really say much as far as what is going on but even talking about the same old crap is exhausting & mind numbing, so I will just leave you with Nagella below.

Nag Diaries 2.5

The Porn is back.  Found on the PC.  Dont konw who did it.  But it was not me.  I hate this feeling.  It makes my stomach churn.  To think that my husband, in hell he would rather burn. I could tell something was wrong.  He usually starts acting weird.  Going all the way down the block & around the corner to explain simple stuff.  Maybe I am just being paranoid but I cannot lie.  I dont trust him sometimes.  Honestly. 

I went through this period where I would get urges to check the internet history and his emails & something inside me would shake.  I would stop myself & say dont worry bout it.  Gosh I just wish I was sure about some things.  That I had a steadiness within me about my marriage because it permeates everything in my life.  Nauseating.  I wish I could walk away knowing that the pain would not soon follow as I walk away.  Knowing that my daughter would not be affected.  But the pain will follow, hop on my back and creep its way into the secret places of my heart.  My daughter would be devestated.  But seriously, what about me?  Is that wrong to ask?

Im done.  Fork me.

Nag Diaries 2.3 - Control Remote

Ha - admit it!  Men love to channel surf - they cant help it and I finally got my hubby to admit it.  Well it was after one of our pseudo arguments.  We ate dinner in front o fthe TV today and I was already a little bit testy.  My hub likes to play these, I'm not going to take the responsibility games with me.  Well that is what I think anyway - he would beg to differ.  So, I am trying to eat and there is an inappropriate TV show on - he knows this, I know this and my daughter was on her way to finding out what the show was ALL about.

So hubby plays that role again....and action!

Hubdub: Eh, you can turn the channel

Me: Im eating, just turn.

Hubdub: Im busy doing laundry, why dont you turn

Me: {thinks to myself - I see where this is going and quite irritated now} just turn the freakin channel

Hubdub: NO! {then proceeds to toss the remote to me}

Me: {steam coming from ears, nose and throat} ughhh!  fine I will turn

Daughter: {looks up at me with doe eyes} I dont like it when you guys argue

Me: {embarassed as heck!} we werent arguing - daddy just wouldnt listen to me

Hubdub: {growls at me}

So all in all - yeah I think that went pretty well.  The conversation continued after baby girl went to bed where my HUBDUB - done da da daaah - ladies and gentlemen - he admited. he had. a. problem. channel surfing.  I mean talk about unexpected, orgasmic, revelation dropping admission.  So I do my little I was right dance - ta hee hee.  You better believe it baby - *WINK

Nag Diaries 2.2 - Hub a dub dub

The aftermath of my birthday weekend was good.  I feel like my husband and I are learning how to be a married couple......hmm.......that sounds funny.  Nonetheless we are learning.  I still get irritated - so does he but my irritation is more muted now.  He tries his best to be more understanding and I think he is learning about himself in the process.  We are still attending the Fireproof class and finally next month we get to see the entire movie - SUPA DUPA WOWSER!

Marriage Quote for the Day
~ Marriage is popular because it combines the maximum of temptation with the maximum of opportunity.
                       GEORGE BERNARD SHAW, Maxims for Revolutionists

Nag Diaries - with Jesus

I went to my first marriage ministry meeting today - by myself. It was very difficult and I wanted to just burst out in tears as I sat listening to the HUSBANDS esteem their wives. They were so proud of them and so...............loving. My heart fell right through my arse and onto the floor and just sat there bleeding. I didnt really talk much and it felt like a scene from an AA meeting -

Facilitator: "How bout you NaLonni, do you have anything to say?"
Me: "Nope, just listening."

I didnt know what to say. How do you say that you are slowly dying inside and that pretty little "picture frame marriage" that I had in mind is just that - a picture in a frame. You know, I know that God is real to me but how can I stay faithful in my marriage - now I am not talking about cheating - I mean stay faithful in that I am prayerful and understanding and not taking digs at him because I know this is not what God would have me to do?

We are going through the Fireproof series with Kirk Cameron. Now I must say - he is a really good actor and the little mini clip that we got to see tonight was funny. It was like they took a page out of my journal........that is really sad though. Other couples go through this. Oh well. I am going to go next month and God willing, he will change my mind and deal with me so that I can be a good wife to my husband and a good mother to my daughter.

Toodles for now!

Nag Diaries something.something 2.0

Once upon a time I decided I wanted to be an actress/actor. I look at TV and think about how many individuals come together to present this cinematic tapistry by pouring out their souls to millions of strangers that they will never meet. I can do that.......if only I wasnt the star of my own low budget film. *frowns* It seems we as humans try to compensate for the things we do not have or the things we desperately want only to find out that there is a bigger, more meaningful "need" that we are ignoring all the while.

My 7th grade teacher once told me that I was too smart for my own good and I was letting it go to waste.......Mrs. Edwards. I will never forget her. And even then, as a seventh grader - I was searching for something - as young as I was. I thought I had found it in my insane infatuation of the most popular guy in school - Mr. Marcus Brown. He was cool, he was cute...I guess and he was one of those kids who got on my nerves-he always dressed really nice.

After a tortuous 2 years in junior high school, being tormented, teased, ragged on, heart crushed and deflated - I was still head over heals for the one responsible for the said torture and had presumptiously decided to tell him.

Why is it when you decide to do something important - life decides to say otherwise. He was dead. He was dead. He was dead. Murdered. By some wannabe crip or blood who decided they really had to take the whole initation thing to the next level. *Cliche coming* half of me died that day i found out Marcus was dead. He used to call me bubble lip - and sing stupid songs about whether or not my lip hung low.....and they say teasing in school only makes you stronger.........So I named my little brother after him. Marcus Wright.

But that didnt give me what I wanted - only a constant reminder of someone who never got to be. And that is how my life has been so far. Just constant reminders of someone who never got to be.

I wanted to find someone. A marriage. A relationship with someone that would last. Someone that would treat me right........you know all that crap that people make millions for writing about. Instead I got bruised physically and emotionally. But life did come out of this situation. My daughter. Beautiful. Full of Life. Smart. Wise beyond her years. Everything that I am not.

Now I find myself neck deep in a life that I dont understand - dont like - dont understand - dont want to be in - aimless. Shiftless. I wish sometimes that God would just go ahead and take me now. But then how would he get the Glory out of a life that has been wasted.

So what's a girl to do? Maybe therein lies the problem. Im still a girl with problems of a woman.

Nag Diaries.......something point something

So, the marriage - it's going. We are in a calm spot right now - I am calmly smiling at everything and examining my behaviour towards my husband and he is........horny......but not for me so much. Not saying that he wants someone else but............let's just say it has been a month.

Do to the stress of my marriage, mother nature decided that my body needed to let me know I was too stressed and thus Menorrhagia was born -and it has been 30 days and night of aaaaaghh!!!!! - this is sooooo unfair. But God is good because he knows exactly what to do to tell you that your body is out of whack and you need to get right and stop stressing.

So - I am trying to get right and not let my marriage kill me. My granny says I need to basically suck it up and roll with the punches. it hasnt even been two years yet..........

I would rather punch my husband though.......sometimes. But I love him.

The Nag Diaries 2.0 - The D word

It has been a minute since I last blogged.....things are going great. I am working, my granny is working, my husband is working two jobs and he just got promoted to Captain/Supervisor position. You'd think I would be happier.......Im not. I couldnt even get excited about his promotion.....I dont want to be married anymore. One year and 6 months in and I would rather be by myself. I am tired of the lonliness, the sadness, the hurt the bitterness. I dont want to be a married bitter woman. Wishing I could meet someone else that will pay attention to me and adore me the way I adore them. True I am not innocent in this - lately the only thing I can think of whenever he is sharp with me is what an a-hole he is.....but would my reactions be the same if I didnt feel so disrespected and treated like an after-thought? What kind of marriage is this?

Men have this way of thinking that just because they are working - then everything should be fine - that they are doing more than enough. I mean what else would we want them to do?? I hate it. I dont like this marriage and I am pretty sure I am a coward when it comes to the suicidal thoughts so I would rather just be by myself. I can hack it- I have for 5 years until I met Garrett. I look at our wedding pictures often and just wish I can have some of that joy and elation that we had on that day. I wrote about this before........no one takes pictures of the not so happy days....no one has a mantle full of unsmiling families......only beautiful smiles that exude fantasy happiness - the Picture Frame Marriage is what I call it. We want so much of what was in that framed wedding day photo but truth be told.......that was just one day.

One of my coworkers says she keeps a calendar and X's out all the days when she fell out with her husband or the days they had a bad day. She said that she would ask herself everyday if her husband was worth it - if push came to shove could she deal with the months that had maybe more X's......I ask myself that all the time - Can I deal?

I havent always had the best love life and I would swear I was bipolar. I thought that maybe getting married would kind of make things better - granted that wasnt the reason WHY I got married but I hoped that my husband and I would become better not bitter. I dont know. I try to imagine my life without my husband and I think - yep I could do it. Then I think about my daughter.

How much more of her life can I ruin or make worse? How is that fair to her? But what about me? How can I be a good mother to her when I cant even have my joy? Im tired and empty. I dont want to get a divorce but everytime I think about it - something in my mind says leave him and get it over with - and then God steps in and tells me to have patience........but why? Why do I have to wait until he grows up? Why is it that a man never fully understands what he has UNTIL he loses it? Why cant they just see it right while they are in it? It's not fair. It hurts and the pain is nagging......is this the way my husband feels when I nag him? That it just wont go away? Irritated? Angry? Upset? Fed Up??

Guess it really doesnt matter huh.....going to bed now. By myself because my husband is more comfortable on the floor without me interupting his sleep with my arm around him..........what a sorry piece of mess I have.


Toodles....

The Biggest Loser

My church is planning their own Biggest Loser program. I am excited. I believe we will even have a prize. Motivation always helps in the battle with the bulge. Now I have to figure out when I wil have the chance to work out. More than likely it will be in the morning now that I am working.....oh yeah - work. Work is interesting. I am in training but I am also looking forward to helping people. There are so many people out here who need help right now. It is just so disheartening sometimes. You know people are hurting and they call in for unemployment insurance just to have their hopes dashed because most people dont realize that UI is NOT a form of welfare. But one can hope right?

The Nag Diaries 1.9 - Kiss me when you come home

I mean it is only like the right thing for a husband to do, right? Wrong. My hubby didn't kiss me when he came home. He didn't even come upstairs. He sat downstairs eating and surfing the internet. I wasn't as mad as my blog seems to project but I was irritated. I am a SNW - Special Needs Wife. I admit it. So we spent the wee hours of the morning hitting each other with pillows, tossing around phrases like "guess that PC likes your face more than I do" and "shut up". He kept taking my pillows and throwing them across the room........I kept whining about him not sleeping on my side of the bed cause I like to cuddle and all that. Then I made him turn the bed around.....just to get on his nerves.........how I love these little play times we have! If you all don't realize who my husband and I are like - then just watch the King of Queens.......yep that's us! UPS and all - except I don't look nearly as svelte as Carrie.........working on that. Anyway.........Happy New year folks.........is it the 7 already???

My baby girl is in her "I really don't want my homework" phase. She keeps losing ALL of her homework and then lying to me about it. I swear she is copying off another kid in her class. So I had to take away her TV, new keyboard and DVD privileges........gosh kids these days got it made!!! Today I am making her do laundry. It would be a punishment but she seems to LIKE doing chores........that's all for now.

BTW - I got a job. I am happy that I have a job but being fired for the first time in my life and unemployed has taught me a couple of lessons. Be content, thank God for all things and shut up. Complaining doesn't change anything except your mood from content to irritated.

Toodles!