It has been a minute since I last blogged.....things are going great. I am working, my granny is working, my husband is working two jobs and he just got promoted to Captain/Supervisor position. You'd think I would be happier.......Im not. I couldnt even get excited about his promotion.....I dont want to be married anymore. One year and 6 months in and I would rather be by myself. I am tired of the lonliness, the sadness, the hurt the bitterness. I dont want to be a married bitter woman. Wishing I could meet someone else that will pay attention to me and adore me the way I adore them. True I am not innocent in this - lately the only thing I can think of whenever he is sharp with me is what an a-hole he is.....but would my reactions be the same if I didnt feel so disrespected and treated like an after-thought? What kind of marriage is this?
Men have this way of thinking that just because they are working - then everything should be fine - that they are doing more than enough. I mean what else would we want them to do?? I hate it. I dont like this marriage and I am pretty sure I am a coward when it comes to the suicidal thoughts so I would rather just be by myself. I can hack it- I have for 5 years until I met Garrett. I look at our wedding pictures often and just wish I can have some of that joy and elation that we had on that day. I wrote about this before........no one takes pictures of the not so happy days....no one has a mantle full of unsmiling families......only beautiful smiles that exude fantasy happiness - the Picture Frame Marriage is what I call it. We want so much of what was in that framed wedding day photo but truth be told.......that was just one day.
One of my coworkers says she keeps a calendar and X's out all the days when she fell out with her husband or the days they had a bad day. She said that she would ask herself everyday if her husband was worth it - if push came to shove could she deal with the months that had maybe more X's......I ask myself that all the time - Can I deal?
I havent always had the best love life and I would swear I was bipolar. I thought that maybe getting married would kind of make things better - granted that wasnt the reason WHY I got married but I hoped that my husband and I would become better not bitter. I dont know. I try to imagine my life without my husband and I think - yep I could do it. Then I think about my daughter.
How much more of her life can I ruin or make worse? How is that fair to her? But what about me? How can I be a good mother to her when I cant even have my joy? Im tired and empty. I dont want to get a divorce but everytime I think about it - something in my mind says leave him and get it over with - and then God steps in and tells me to have patience........but why? Why do I have to wait until he grows up? Why is it that a man never fully understands what he has UNTIL he loses it? Why cant they just see it right while they are in it? It's not fair. It hurts and the pain is nagging......is this the way my husband feels when I nag him? That it just wont go away? Irritated? Angry? Upset? Fed Up??
Guess it really doesnt matter huh.....going to bed now. By myself because my husband is more comfortable on the floor without me interupting his sleep with my arm around him..........what a sorry piece of mess I have.
Toodles....
It's tough when we have to make such grown up decisions that make such a huge impact on our lives and those close to us. I know God will steer you in the right direction. I have been through a divorce myself. It was painful experience, but a lesson I took to heart. After the marriage I really took the time to grow up, become my own person, and be happy with myself. I made sure I was happy before getting involved with anyone again. God has been good to me and I thank him for all of the blessings in my life, including the hard lessons I had to learn. I pray that you find your happiness in whatever comes about.
ReplyDeleteThank you Hillary. We talked yesterday morning in the wee hours. We both dont want to be divorced but I did explain to him that I couldnt go on the way have been and things have to change - cause I do not want to go crazy. One thing that I know is a big issue with us is that we dont pray together like we said we would......the enemy always finds a way in especially when you leave the door wide open to him. I will keep praying that we BOTH make the right decisions. Truly time will tell.
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