Nag Diary...The Good, the horrible, hurtful and disappointing

As I sat at Barnes and Noble silently perusing the magazine section, amid a plethora of men and women in flip flops  *eww, sigh* - I can't help but think, how did I get here? It irks me to see row after row of spoiled, rich non ethnic people on the covers of these zines......whatever. But how did I get here?

Obviously I drove to North Park mall and walked across the street to B&N with my sunshine; but really how did I get here? Age 30. Overweight, back and forth dieting. The yo-yo has long since lost its string and rolled somewhere under my bed with the empty box of Girl Scout thin mints. Mmmm thin mints....

Ahem, I have had a really depressing epiphany - I am not really quite happy/content with my life. At all. How did I get here? My pastor spoke today out of Matthew 25:14 - he spoke to those whom God has given talents and how we sit idly by doing nothing with them. Including me. For years since before I can remember or better yet one of my most important thoughts that I do remember, I have said that I will be an ACTRESS. I love acting. Being on stage/set. I don't even have to be involved with a production to be "satisfied"; just being there makes me giddy inside. 
The long hours, wardrobe changes, numerous camera takes....ah........I shine on the inside at the thought of it and yet.......how did I get here?

Reflection
It wasn't...... it wasn't that my mom was on drugs, wasn't me dropping out of high school my freshman year, no it wasn't my grandfather dying, it wasn't me being in an abusive relationship, getting pregnant, being a single mom, wasn't that mistake I made with the man who was a flat out dog and I chose selfishness over life, no it wasn't my meet up with future hubby, it wasn't the wedding and honeymoon, my college years, it wasn't me moving to Texas, getting fired from my first well paying job, me shaving off all of my hair, that time when I knew I was having a mental breakdown, wasn't the first year marital affair, the partial miscarriage, the ensuing completed miscarriage almost 2 months later, it wasn't the breakdown of my relationship with my grandmother who in many ways have been like my mom, it wasn't the fact that she left me here in Texas and it wasn't my desire to be HERE at this point.

I am here because of one person. He delivered my crack addicted mom, put me back in school where I graduated with honors, gave me my own Ruth and Naomi story with my grandmother, gave me the strength to leave that abusive man, blessed me with a gorgeous daughter who is teaching me HOW to be a mom, removed the scales from my eyes to show me the truth about waiting on him, brought me to a man who starts and completes me, made me understand what joy coming in the morning after many nights of tears means, saved my marriage through my miscarriage because he let me know that I COULD get pregnant again, stripped away one of my handicaps to grow me up and truly be the woman of the house and lastly he woke me up this morning giving me one more chance to get it right.

I got HERE because of Jesus. The good, the horrible, hurtful, disappointing and bad. He got me here so I have to live for him - so he can bring me to tomorrow. Can't help but tell him thank you. Enough of the whining. I AM blessed.

Nag Diaries 10.2, Can we Pretend that Airplanes...................

Nothing as exciting as my sexcapade has occurred but life goes on...this post is kind of long and if you are anything like me......you will skip around, get bored, scroll to the bottom to look for something juicy...go read someone else blog entry, check to see how many comments......
Que-Ever.

My daughter did come home finally last Monday! She almost didn't. I forgot to send my mom a copy of Weenies birth certificate so the day of the flight everything that could go wrong - yeah - cliche.

First, my Internet didn't work. At all. I told that know-it-all AT&T rep that it was not MY phone line but the modem but hey, she's the one getting paid by AT&T and  insisted the tech was coming to look at the "phone line" to check it.  Fine - we waited, in the four hour window for the tech.

Anyway, back to Weenie - her flight was scheduled to leave from Los Angeles at 9AM on 8-16-10. First thing in the morning (Texas time) I am on my P.O.Crap blackberry trying to "tether" it to use as a modem.  I did everything - crackberry, BB forum, explored the disk that came w/it.  Nothing worked. I thought for sure since I had the Everything Data Plan or whatever it is called I would be able to use my BB as a modem - NOPE. Not happening.

So I jump on said BB to phone me mom only to be greeted with 48 year old attitude because it's LAX & that airport is known for being crowded.  Now LAX is a whole nother animal compared to Love field where you can leave less than an hour early from home and STILL make it to the gate with time to spare - NO ONE IS EVER THERE!!!

My mom had a big time 'tude. First I had to find my daughters scanned birth certificate on my PC, the scan as PDF function was NOT working so I had to scan it as a .jpg, copy it & paste it to a Word doc, enlarge it so it was legible, save said doc, connect the PC to the BB, transfer doc to BB, disconnect BB from PC, create an email from my BB to me mom, attach birth certificate - SEND - in lest than 30 mins cause mind you my mom is still at home in Los Angeles at 8am....plane leaves at 9am.....LAX advises all travelers to arrive at least 2 hours early - even earlier for unaccompanied minors.

I had to argue with my mom just to take her to the airport - she wouldn't leave! We hung up at least 3 times and called each other back. I was so frustrated I had to have the sudd-muffin talk to her - then she hung up on him. In the meantime the BB is.....still.....sending. So I think maybe it's the word doc, lemme send it again as a .jpg so off to the PC AGAIN, connect BB, transfer, repeat SEND. And the email just sits there.

Meanwhile the AT&T guy is there trying to "figure" out what's wrong with our phone line.....*smirk*
My mom  is STILL debating on leaving to go to airport AFTER I call call Southwest airlines.  They reassured me if my lil baby was there at least 2 hours within the flight leaving they will reschedule for free.  YAY.  Mom doesn't really care cause she doesn't want to sit all day at LAX in case weenie misses her flight & has to take another....

LEAVE ALREADY AND JUST TRY!

That is what I wanted to scream but I didn't. She did leave after much stomping and lip pouting on my part. Gets to LAX and there is about 100 peeps in the Southwest line *PANIC/frown*.

Mom calls me back:

Mom:  NayLahknee, it's about 100 people in front of me & I'm gonna have to pay someone to move ahead in the line, she aint never gonna make it on the plane...blah blah...sigh, OMG....wah wah....

Me: *gritting teeth* (thinks to self: I don't care....pay someone as long as she gets on that plane........) but what I really said was, Mom you are at the airport, ask someone about unaccompanied minors....

Mom: Grrrrrrr....**hangs up phone**

Me: **pulls out another strand of hair from my already balding head.**

Meanwhile - both BB emails have went nowhere, AT&T guy fixes the modem and voila! Internet back - a lot of good it will do me now though....all I could think of was "CRAP!"

Me and hubby have little spat about going to daughters orientation at new Harmony Science Nature & Sports Center (we changed her schools)....went a lil' something like this:

He had forgot.
I didn't.
He didn't want to go.
I didn't care - he was going.
There was some blah blah blah, haven't even taken a shower yet...stuff that came from the sudd-muffin. Again, didn't care;
He wanted to drink his coffee.
I didn't care if he snorted it.
Butt better be in the car and rolling down the street with me.
Sudd-muffin disappears for like 5 mins, runs back down stairs and starts rushing me to go.  Mind you, I have yet to lotion down my bodacious legs and look like I have been cleaning chalkboard erasers with my legs from the knee down....do ya think he wanted to wait for me to get some lotion???????  NO! 

We get to the orientation and guess what? The school decides to tell everyone that they will NOT be starting classes on 8-23-10 like everyone else but 8-30-10 because the school is not finished yet and no one is allowed in the building.

WTHeck????  What I really said, in my head of course was, "Ain't this some s*!@...."
Then I had to ask for forgiveness......Jesus take the wheel.

I jump quick like on the BB to call me mom and wouldn't you know it those stupid emails finally went through. Mom gets on the phone just quick enough to let me know wennie girl has just gotten on the plane and cant really talk right then.

AAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!

The Kicker
Now this would not have upset me as much except that her original flight was supposed to leave on 8-21-10. Me and sudd-muffin missed her sooo much that we paid to have her flight changed to bring her back 6 days early so we could spend time with her before she went to school. The universe was not working with me. I try to tell me mom NOT to put her on the plane but.....it was too late.......

Yeah, see that Nag down below, with the arse looking you dead in the face?
Mmm hmm.  Ain't gonna say nothing else.

Nag Diary 8.9

Sock It To Me

My granny sent me some ankle socks in the mail from Cali....for those of you that don't know - I love goofy, out of the ordinary, patterned ankle socks.

Booooo!

I was sooooo bored today at work.  *sigh*  But God is good and allows me to keep coming to work.  In the state of Texas we just extended our unemployment benefits (federally) so there are people who have been on unemployment for the last 2 years.  This is bad....I mean the recession.  I hope we come out of it soon.  Texas is an employer driven state when it comes to unemployement and I really don't care for that face being someone that has been fired for no reason.......let me stop.

Run
I have the car tonight so I have to pick up the sudd-muffin from work....pish posh as my friend Audrey says......I am trying to hurryupandfinishthisblogsoIcangetoutofhereontime so my words may did run together.

Pray
I talked to my little Angel today and she is coming home AUGUST 16!  Boo yow!  She also informed me that she had a God encounter at church this past Sunday.  And I wasnt there.  It is so amazing.  I thank the Lord everyday that at least if my daughter chooses to go another way, I am trying to do my best to let her know who God is and how awesome He is.  She has been in church since before she was born because my granny wouldn't let me miss a day....except those times I was too fat to get up during those last few weeks I was preggo.......boy that was fun....I digress. 

The sudd-muffin was in the car with me when I found out about our daughters God encounter and we both were in tears.  It made me realize that if my daughter can be in church, listen to a song and realize how blessed her life is because of God - then what are we doing as adults ignoring it? 

And a child shall lead them.....

We also finally started talking again - like for real.  I am so insecure sometimes but on a side note - my sudd-muffin is back and ROARIN!  Now where did those red high heeled pumps go........

Nag Diary 8.8: Moving on, Wishful Thinking, Future Happenings

Moving On
So yesterday was not a good day but God is good and today is a NEW day.  Being a wife is hard work.  Do you ever feel like, as a mom, wife, homemaker, worker - that you have on too many clothes, hats, accessories?  Do you know what I mean?  Let me explain.......

I feel like I have on one bright red sexy pump, one sensible running shoe, my mommy hat, an apron around my waist with some sexy drawers on for the hub, a halo on top of my head, one broken angel wing - dont know where the other fell off at, a duster tucked in the band of my apron - for cleaning, my nerd glasses on, my daughters math & science books balanced precariously on my head, my customer service voice turned on to help those unemployed people (lord end this recession!), my acting mask on because really I'm an actress who hasn't made it at all, my fat/skinny jeans on (I keep losing and gaining the weight) and a Rose between my teeth to set this sucker off!  *ding*


Wishful Thinking
Back to reality.  I often look at my wedding day pics - people frozen in time, euphoria and expectation and I have to admit I wish I could frame up my life, hang it on the wall and let the picture live for me.  Alas....... it cannot be done!!!!  We have to live our lives with the good and the bad, take everything in with grace and let things go with that same grace.  So yeah, my marriage is rough sometimes but I am spiritually sucking it up and asking God to carry those things that are too heavy for me.  Thank you!

Future Happenings

I want my baby girl to come home right noooooowwwwww!  I miss her and her grandmother sent me countless pics from her visit to Sacramento which only made things worse.  She is supposed to come home on August 21 but forget that mess - my baby is comin home like this week.  I will just pay for the ticket and keep it movin!  She is my world and I miss her terribly!!  


Until the next nag diary...Got purpose? No - then let's get it!

Nag Diaries 99.9 - YOU, YOU, YOU...YOU know I

Today started out as a good day but ended in silence.  I don't have anything to say to him..I know you.  You lie, you hide things and I can tell, regardless of what you say.  I don't get it.  5 years and you're still trying to convince  yourself that it's me not you.  I get tired of this feeling.  Tired of trusting, forgiving, hurting, then forgiving - and the vicious cycle continues.......

You know I prayed a long time for God to remove my dispair and hurt just so I could function.  He answered my prayer....He continues to answer that prayer because He knows my struggles...but how can I keep going?  

YOU don't get it.  

YES, I am insecure.  

YOU betrayed me.  

YES I still hurt. I am human.  

YES I have forgiven you.  But I have not forgotten.  

YES I love you.  But can you get over yourself enough to truly love me?

It would be better for you to just admit somethings even though I know they will hurt but the lying hurts more.

*cyber sniffle sniffle*