And the beat goes on. I found another one last night. Another remnant of one humans weakness. It lodged in the back of my throat and slowly made it's trek down, slashing jagged holes in my esophagus as it went - allowing all the air to escape from my lungs. I couldn't breath. Again.
God I am so embarrassed to even talk about this.
I want to talk about it but then I would be exposing the darkest, saddest place of my marriage to people I know and don't know. I have to believe I am not the only one. In fact, I KNOW I am not the only one. But dang. Shoot! Crap. The forks are still missing by the way.
I don't think I can do it.
What I can say is, I hate it. The knowing. The feeling that I am may be reliving 2009 and my Waiting to Exhale - Angela Bassett moment. God - it hurts. I don't know what it is with him. I think I am an AWESOME wife. I bust my butt. I support 100%. I am the most understanding woman you wanna get into an argument with.......oh God - their back.
Low Self Esteem and Self-pity just barged right on in through that open door. Ok, this is me shooing them right back out or did they not get the memo?
I am home by myself today. I worked for a while. I washed my hair and slicked it back into a puff ball pony. I'm still going bald but not willing to shear everything off again. I feel good though without my hat. Now I sit here about to shove some pizza down the pie hole and.....do what? yeah. I thought so.
I had to sit down on my break and blog. Oh my goodness. I cant breathe. Wait....hold....on.....there it is. Breath. My sudd-muffin. My suff-muffin. He died. I cannot believe it. My prayers have been answered. He died to the old Garrett and was reborn the New Sudd Muffin.***Dream sequences goes here***The first time I write a check at any grocery store - WALMART - it bounced. Not because we didn't have the money but because Chase picks and chooses when they want things to post. Devils they are. I was pissed. It irritated me. I knew I shouldn't have wrote that check but noooooooo, I never bring my debit card with me because I don't want to spend money. Anyway, here is the sudd-muffin, cute as can be, not arguing, not fussing or cussing at the fact that we are broke and bank account overdrawn. God is still good. He tells me, don't worry about it. We will have money, give me a coffee kiss. WHAT??? I took 2 steps back and asked him, "Where is my husband and what have you done with him?" His response: I'm not going to worry about what we don't have.I was shocked and at a loss for words. These were MY WORDS VERBATIM. Upchucked from some crevice of his mind where he stores stuff that he actually takes in from me. I couldn't believe he actually said that. Are we making progress??? Baby steps...baby steps
