Oh no you didnt!! The Bio-dad chronicles

Yep - my hub is not the bio dad for my daughter........OH GOD I WISH HE WERE. No her father, nope, daddy, nope, sperm donor - too much credit there, last name giver - DING DING DING.........he thinks he is doing me a favor by texting me out of the blue to let me know he is going to put some money in my back account. Whoop-dee-freakin-do. Sounds easy right? Wrong. My ex was an abuser - physical and verbally - he hasnt changed. For some reason he has decided that he knows EVERYTHING and usually when the man thinks he knows everything - nothing gets done amd hence, I end up with a conversation via text like this:

Last Name Giver: How u feelin?
Me: Good, u
Last Name Giver: Im coo. How's Rina?
Me: U could call and speak to her. She is about to go to
Arkansas with my mom in about 30 minutes.
LNG: 4 how long?
Me: Until Wednesday
LNG: I'll talk 2 her when she gets back. I'm about 2 put some money in ur account. (side-note: he hasnt talked to her in about THREE MONTHS and he didnt call on Christmas)
LNG: You still with Bank of America?
Me: I dont have that account anymore, let me give you my other account number.....blah blah blah
LNG: That number is too long
Me: It is a TEXAS account
LNG: Yeah but the numbers dont fit on my deposit slip.
Me: It doesnt have to, just go up to the teller window and deposit the money
LNG: I have already been to the bank twice - the number is too long
Me: Did you speak to a teller?
LNG: No, I figured it out myself
Me: It is a TEXAS ACCOUNT. The account numbers are different!
LNG: Well, I already left the bank and I will do it when I feel like it another day.
Me: WTFreak (sorry I dont curse)?
LNG: I will do it when I have time - Im busy anyway.
Me: Why do you have to be so complicated, just go into the bank and speak to a teller..........(no response)Dont waste your time. If I need anything from u then the judge can determine that. I am so tired of your crap. If you dont want to be a father 2 Rina then sign away ur rights and leave me alone.
LNG: F*%! you B*%!#
Me: OH NO YOU DIDNT! <--------ANGRY FACE

Hubby - via phone: Look bro, dont call my wife, dont text her, dont call this house unless you want to speak to Rina. Until then - step off.

LNG - the coward: via text: F&$! both yall B*^$!@#

apparently I dont know my own checking account number and I am the dummy. I have never filed child support on this guy because hey, people have issues and he is one of them, I have never asked him for anything. I am not a "baby mama drama" queen. I dont have time for that nor am I the type. But right about now - I am so done - someone needs to fork me. Yeah I said stick a fork in me - DONE. So I promptly went to old Gov. Swartzen-terminators site and filed a child support case. Enough is enough. It would be so easy to have him sign over his rights but I know he wont just to spite my husband because he wants to adopt her......but he has never given me anything for her in her entire life and I admit I have let him get off easy but enough is enough!

The Granny Diaries 1.0

Sooooo although me and my hubby have been fine - my granny and I are now going at it. Check it. When we first moved to Texas, I was the one that was working and paying for the majority of our rent and stuff - fine. Flash-forward 6 months later - I am out of a job and my grandmother and husband are now working. She is upset that I dont do enough around this house or my husband either for that matter. Mind you, I take her to work every morning by driving 20 miles to her job and I pick her up. My uncle just got out from prison and who is driving him around??? You know it - me. When my lazy smart aleck brother needs to be picked up from his Football practice - HELLO - there I am. And yet I cant say jack to him - even though he is in MY HOUSE and his room always looks like THIS -

Yet I am the one being fussed at??????????????????

I never clean up the way she likes it and our house is always filthy - OMG! Have you seen our house - it doesnt look like anyone lives here because it is always so CLEAN!



But according to my granny - it is filth-nasty-dirty. My granny is a neat freak. She likes things clean - spick-n-span. That is fine - in fact - I am a little bit just like her. On the other hand, I can go two days without cleaning our house. It is two stories and truth be told doesnt need to be cleaned EVERYDAY especially when it looks clean anyway! I do understand though that we need to clean up the little things - like the dust behind the washer and dryer or the crumbs at the bottom of the Fridge.....or the piece of trash under the couch that I had no idea was there.

Ok - so I didnt mop our entryway this week and there were cereal crumbs on the floor........SORRY - I didnt know. We had a shouting match today. I have NEVER shouted at my grandmother but I had had enough.....I thought she was going to hit me. She insulted me pretty badly.....but and right now I am tearing up from what she said......I dont know if I can forget what she said. Apparently I dont do enough so I will just clean up the way she would like and make sure if I have funds that I go shopping for meat - because that was one of her gripes too. Whatever. It is like a circus - a very clean circus. I am done.

The Nag Diaries 1.8 - The Great Comprimise

So Tiffs done and over. We have decided to really just shut the heck up and talk. I know, doesnt make sense right? Well we both realized that we were flapping our gums and saying nothing but stuff that would hurt each other. My hub finally admitted that he was addicted to the videogame........in fact he says that he is suffering from Xbox withdrawal......I dunno.......what trips me out is that the Xbox is mine and I have never played it.....so I guess I wasnt THAT wrong for putting it up for sale. Anyway.....we have comprimised. I am going to be more patient and understanding. I got some great advice from my girls over at the Womens Hair Loss Project....smiling will be a tool that I pull out very often.

My hubby has also agreed to blog with me. That should be very interesting. I hope so. Until then........toodles!

The Nag Diaries 1.7 - The Big Tiff

Ok - it was bad. We had a fight. Today started off really good. I got up, made breakfast for my hub and daughter. But I just couldnt let it go.......the loneliness I have been feeling, the neglect, the anger that I had pent up inside - all came tumbling out with 9 words. I brought up that dreadful video game again.......boy did he blow up at me......

Gezz: "I will NEVER stop playing my game - I was playing before I met
you and I wont stop"
Me: "Then I dont want to be with you anymore."
Gezz: Fine! %@#! this #$%!.......Im sick of you nagging
anyways........(something to that affect)
Me: Standing there completely dumbfounded with dishwater suds dripping on the floor. In shock. I cant believe I said that to him.....

It was horrible. I dont even want to think about it but I have to write about it. I found him upstairs in our closet...that is our home away from home - it is like seperate room - it is a seperate room. Anyway there he was, packing. Always packing. He wanted to leave. I wouldnt let him until he calmed down.

I didnt know. I didnt know how much he was hurting to. I didnt know. I didnt know how much this was affecting him. I didnt know. All I knew was that I was hurting and he needed to hurt too - and he was. I just didnt know.

He broke his Xbox game in anger......you would think I would be happy about that but it only made things worse.

We decided to just go ahead and call it quits. I am depressed, physically sick and tired all the time........we sat in our closet for almost an hour and a half. Talking, crying, fussing, blaming - never once did we stop and say let's pray. Man is this what the bible talks about in terms of marriage? Is this how Eve felt when she went ahead and bit that apple because her husband wasnt paying attention to her at the time? Eve, how could you. And now we have this.....

We talked. We worked it out. I poured out my feelings once again and this time he really listened. He made me punch him a couple of times too to get the aggression out......I hate violence but it did make me feel better to sock something... I wanted to make up in the only way married people can but leave it to my hubby to be such a man - he had to take "a dump".....(rolls eyes)

So why am I writing all this?? I dont know. I want our marriage to work - truly I do. But sometimes, I have to ask myself, is it all worth it?

Nag Diaries 1.6 - Sunday is Funday

This has been one hard week. Things are not going to well with my hubby. Ugh! I dont know what to do with him. I cant sell him, cant pimp him - that's illegal and I cant give him away - we are under contract you know. What's a married girl to do???? I don't give up easily and I am not a cheater..........takes to much energy and believe it or not I love my Gezz. I remember how we met...............
*dream sequence starts to be quickly interrupted by reality* - yes we met on MySpace! I fell in love with my husband the first night we met face to face. He was soo cute and he told me EVERYTHING...........now he does all his talking with his game controller. *sigh*

Even though the X-box did sell, I didnt have the heart to ship it. I refunded the moolah and made up some lame excuse......ok wait a minute, I am the one missing out on hubby/wifey time - he is the one that spends ridiculous amounts of time in front of the boob tube shooting people. Why is it fair that I sit through Sharkboy and Lavagirl with my duaghter (it had it's moments) alone. Dont get me wrong, I like quality time with my baby girl - but why should I be the only to suffer through goofy kid movies????? My brain is entitled to some freedom, isn't it?

God how do people who have been married for 40 years do it??????????? I mean - do you know how many days that is for crying out loud. I dont think I am going to make it 40 years before I check out mentally.....oh God - I think I have already checked out! Am I the only one feeling this? (knocks on PC monitor)

Hey! Are yall listening?

Xbox Funeral

Sooooo, after posting my little letter to my arch nemesis Xbox - I made good on my promise. Check it out.

I did feel bad though telling my hubby that it had sold on amazon - he looked disturbed. Great - now I am having second thoughts.......but then again right as I am writing this, my husband is now downstairs on the PC after spending ALL DAY playing the Xbox.......

Blog Family Madden

I am changing my blog. I have no idea how to change the CSS template but I am doing it one piece at a time.......I found this really cool create your own comic book site that I used for my top banner. Hopefully I can change the rest.......man I how I wish I had my Dreamweaver software! Does anyone have any ideas how I could change my entire background for this blog to match this?



Also, I want to combine all of my blogs.....that is going to be a tough job.....I honestly have one too many and I have no idea how I keep up with them as Frenchy pointed out to me. So hopefully I can get some help with this......

Me

Hey I though this was a cool cartoony of me.....

The Password Wars

So my husband hasn't quite gotten the fact that - yes, we are married. He hoards his "privacy" and his obsession with "mine" as in that's mine, leave it alone, dont pick it up, I like my side of the closet junky because - "that's mine".

Me on the other hand decided the day that we got married that what was mine, was his, and what was his better be mine or else. Does that include email accounts? Yeppers buddy. I do a lot of stuff for my husband - better yet I handle a lot of the business aspect of our lives so it is essential that I know everything about my husband (which I do) including his email passwords. He didn't agree with me though.......

Me: Goes to PC to check hubs email, WTHeck, the password doesnt work! *thinks: he must have changed it*. Lightbulb! I will just do a password reset email to change it back. Proceeds to change password back to original, checks email, reads a couple that I shouldnt have and moves on to important issues regarding email.

Hubby: *thinks: I wonder if I got an email from my bro* Sets down to check email. Alert! Invalid password entered! *WTFreak, I didnt change my password* Stops and thinks.........WIFE! Proceeds to change password AGAIN to "LEAVEMYPASSWORDALONE" - Smiles at the irony of that. Gets up to go play video games.

Me - 30 minutes later: Let me see if he received any email from the school. Goes to check email - and wouldnt you know it - ALERT - INVALID PASSWORD! Sighs with anger and changes the password to "QUITBEINGSOSECRETIVE" and stomps away from the PC.

Hubby - 1 hour later: Let's see if she changed it again - she did. Proceeds to change the password to "NONEOFYOURBUSINESS".

Me: Changes it again to "YOUWILLNEVERKNOW"

Hubby: Changes password to "IDESERVEPRIVACY"

Me:  Changes password to "QUITCHANGINGPASSWORD"

4 hours later - Me and Hubby: "Why do you keep changing the password"

My hubby finally tells me that he needs to be able to have his privacy and I very diplomatically tell him that as long as I am going to be handling the business side of our marriage then your email passwords are MY email passwords, capisce?

Long story short, I know all his passwords and important numbers.......he couldnt hide them from me anyway.  I am too much of a snoop.

Toodles

Xbox - DIE DIE DIE

Dear Xbox,

I hate you. I hate your black and green hard plastic console. It's curtains for you Microsoft! You make me sick. You steal from me everyday with no regard for my feelings. Those people aren't real - they are the figment of a game engineers imagination who really didn't have a life to begin with and devoted what was left of his life to create - YOU. Do your games make its players smarter, lighter, more intuitive like the Wii console? What is your problem?????????

Mr. Gates you are married, so what the heck were you thinking - oh thats right - YOU dont play video games you just create them. Well guess what Xbox - you are officially - FOR SALE! I am tired of you stealing my "Me" time with my hubby - I am sick of you taking away our family nights and I am most disgusted by how infatuated my hub has become with you.

I am sick of being cheated on by an inanimate object that can do nothing for my husband. Who in Atari do you think you are???? HOW DARE YOU. If I werent a Christian I would use foul language or symbols to represent foul language.......look at all the damage you can do - I mean this is my marriage for crying out loud, and sin free relations, one-partner dating, procreation under Gods terms, and sin free relations (did I say that already)........I WANT MY HUSBAND BACK!!!!!!!!!!!

**calms down***

Hopefully someone will buy you quickly - if not - we will see if you know how to fly (EVIL LAUGH FOLLOWS)

P.S.
Playstation 1 - you would be next but we dont have a DVD Player! Wouldnt you know it - we are exactly where we were ONE year ago.

Day 3 - E word

I got nothing papi........except aunt flo is visiting.......ugh and double ugh....boy how I wish I were preggo again......and I could just slap eve for getting us into this mess.....girl what were you thinking????

*chunks apple at Eve and hits her upside the head*

Day 2 - The E Word

Sooo this is day two of our hub-wife exercise pact. And wouldnt you know it, where am I - you guessed it - sitting here typing this blog.

And where oh where is my hubby?????


humf!

Find Your Beauty

Do you know people who no matter what are alwasy put together - hair is on deck, make-up is flawless and the outfit came straight from a magazine? Well I know plenty and I am not one of them. Back when I was a teenager growing up in Phoenix, AZ I would be amazed and envious at the young girls who ALWAYS had it all together - no matter what. I used to think - "How did they do that and who taught them?"

And I would struggle to make my own "swag" work. I liked weird things - like black combat boots and hats - still love hats and my taste in different shoes still lingers. I hated doing my hair because I would have to perm it and I hated that and now I believe I am seeing the damages of hair straigtening. Heeeeyyy, I had a nice head of hair - actually - MY HAIR WAS REALLY NICE - great - see what happens when you dont appreciate what you have people??? Nevertheless, I didn't really care what people thought about me. In retrospect - I was the one that cared so much about what I thought about me. I didn't realize that it was because of my own opinions of me, I kind of developed my own style of beauty.

Some 10+5 years later - I discover that I have always had my own style. I never wanted to really copy off of people although I may have tried once or twice only to quickly discard that and go back to doing me. Even now - I am still not the flawless, covergirl that society potrays women to be - ALL THE TIME. I envy my grandmother because she can become a covergirl in no time flat with some eyeliner and lipstick. But me, hey a hat and some lipgloss or chapstick is good enough.

As women grow older, I believe that we peel back different layers of beauty with what life tosses at us. Don't believe me? Let me challenge you. What has life thrown at you that you have used for good and it beautified you?

As I said before I hated doing my hair when I was younger and it [my hair] was something that always held me up on different opportunities. So now for the last 10 years I have been losing it and just recently I cut it down to a mini fro and just this weekend I shaved it all off. This was a traumatic thing for me because I am an aspiring actress and the only thing I can think about is "What if they want me to change my hair?". But the longer I am bald the more my beauty is revealed. In the words of India Arie - "I am NOT my hair". Sure I am overweight - the weight can be lost and gained over and over again - but my hair is something that is a time consuming process. For some women it is their occupation - it is what makes them who they are.

All of it may never grow back in spots but I thank God that I have.........found..........my....... beauty. It was not in a magazine, a TV show, a song, a movie, a blog or even in my husbands eyes. I found my beauty in something that I thought was ugly and couldnt be fixed - my hair. So I let go of it.

This is why I love Doves Campaign for Real Beauty. True beauty is found only when you let your own opinions and perspectives go. For me I just shaved it right off, rolled it up in a ball and threw it away.

What's yours?

~Give me a thorn and I will show you the Rose it is clinging to - A Naylahism

The Drive home

So tonight as I sped down the highway to pick up my hubby (we currently only have one car) I decided that I was going to take it all off - while driving. So - I snatched my little cap and tossed it to the passenger seat......*silence*.........*more silence*.............*thinking* "I wonder if the people in the other cars are going to think I am a man"........then I quickly snatch my hat right back up and slap it on my head.

But I have nagging mini headache so I snatch it right back off until I reach my hubs job. But as we are leaving I decide to go ahead and take it off with my hub in the car...........*silence*........then I look to my left and my husband has slowly lowered his passenger seat back to a flat position so you cant see him from the outside.

He was thinking the same thing I was - "I wonder if people will think we are two bald guys in a car?"

Toodles!

Episode 1
Driving While Bald

Wax on Wax Off

From a forwarded email:

Hair Removal....

All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal -
The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax.

Read on......
My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours:
'Maybe should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet.'
So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those 'cold wax' kits.
No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off.
No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be?
I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)
So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ('Cold wax,' yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh.
Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works!
OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this!
Hair removal no longer eludes me!
I am She-rah, fighter of all ?wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.
With my next wax strip I move north.
After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship.

I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet.

Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself.... RRRRRRIIIIPPP!!!!

I'm blind!!!
Blinded from pain!!!!....
OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!!
Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP!
Another deep breath and RIPP! ?Everything is spinning and spotted.
I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...must stay conscious.
Do I hear crashing drums???
Breathe, breathe............
OK, back to normal.
I want to see my trophy - a wax-covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it.
I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair.
I hold up the strip!
There's no hair on it.

Where is the hair???
WHERE IS THE WAX???
Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip...it's not!
I touch.
I am touching wax.
I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair.
Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped upon the toilet?

I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down.
Sealed shut! My butt is sealed shut. Sealed shut!
I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself
'Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!'
What can I do to melt the wax?
Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!!
I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the ?wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???
*WRONG!!!!!!!*
I get in the tub - The water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit. ?????
Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding hot water.
Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.
So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented myself to the porcelain!!
God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!
I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone.
It's a very good conversation starter 'So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!'
There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me .

She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, 'Are we talking cheeks or hole or hoo-ha?'
She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her.

I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.
YEAH!!!!! Right!!
I should be the joke of someone else's night.
While we go through various solutions. I resort to trying to scrape the wax off with a razor .
Nothing feels better than to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!
By now the brain is ?not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.
My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.
What do I really have to lose at th is point?

I rub some on and OH MY STARS!!!!!!!
The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend.
It's sooo painful, but I really don't care.
'IT WORKS!!
It works!!' I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up.
I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair....
THE HAIR IS STILL THERE........ALL OF IT!
So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts.
I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

Next week I'm going to try hair color......

The E Word

Ewwww - the E word. My husband and I made a pact for the time that we are going through right now. Since I am not working and he works odd hours, we decided that he would get up every morning and walk with me. So yep - I Exercised.......wasnt pretty either. We have this great neighborhood where there are at least 20 fire hydrants along our main street. Soooo, silly me all - "lose that weight" enthused decided that we should jog from hydrant to hydrant, then speed walk and so on.

Did I forget to mention that I was diagnosed with asthma about two months ago??? I was so out of breath my ears started to hurt! I really thought they were going to start bleeding from all the blood rushing around in my head.........it was horrible. Needless to say we jog between three sets of fire hydrants and my hub was worried about me so we walked all the way back....my ears didnt stop hurting until we were almost home. Jesus help me!

A Word to the wise and out of shape - going slow is not a bad idea, listen to your ears. And to this the fat brown cow saays:

9:05PM

I am utterly lost. I get up, get dressed, fuss at my baby girl for not brushing her teeth.......how she hates brusing. Rush to the car to transport my granny and daughter to work and school respectively. Then I am back home again in front of the PC searching...........always searching. Blogs, social networks, acting jobs, regular jobs. Just this day 5 different jobs turned me down. But what is funny is that I dont even know if I want to go back to work doing the same ole thing. Working, working, working to pay bills, bills, bills and hopefully there is life somewhere in between. I dont get it.

This is someplace I have never been before. I mean with my car accident I was physically injured and it rendered me disabled for a while. True I was depressed.....borderline PTS but........that was different. This......this......existing without knowing what is coming is.......so......unfair. I dont understand why I am going through this and yes I do believe in God and I dont doubt his plan but while I am going through this season where I feel like I am not producing or creating anything worthwhile - what do I do. I am slowly going crazy.....me thinks.

10 Things You'd Never Think, Say, or Do.......

Until you lose your hair.

1. Me and my hubby DO look alike now.
2. Is my scalp ashy????
3. Boy is my head shaped weird!
4. Is it safe to wax?
5. OMG - I put face moisturizer on my bald head!!!!! Ugh!
6. My hats are too big now....
7. My head does NOT look like a half sucked milk dud!
8. I no longer have a cushion for my eyeglasses....it hurts right behind my ear now.
9. Hey, my wig fits even better now - but dang-it, there is nothing for my wig to grip on to....
10. Ok - I tried wearing a wig cap by itself........but that just looked too weird....

The Nag Diaries 1.5

So.....this has really been a rough couple of months and nothing says "save my marriage" like financial woes and unemployment! My husband, God love him, is the best! I am to the point now where I really cant even get mad at him anymore because he is who he is. Since our move to Texas, my hub has racked up three speeding tickets - he has lead foot syndrome. Fine - we got tickets - OKAY ALREADY!

But this is bad...my hub paid for his ticket and made the assumption that the SECOND citation on the ticket was included in the payment (no insurance - we have insurance unfortunately I had not added his name yet because we were newly married and I procrastinated and blah blah blah) - WRONG. My husband has been trying to get a job with the Police Department at UTA. This was his THIRD time applying. And wouldnt you know it we got that "Thank you for applying, but" letter in the mail. We were stunned. I didnt understand. Both times he applied before he got beat out by little minute reasons that had nothing to with him but the hiring process - so for them not to even interview him was a shock.

But God is good. The hiring manager - Captain Tillerson decides to call my hub and let him know that he has a warrant. My hub was shocked. He never knew about it. What is really sad and really burns my baked turkey was that his application was pulled because of this warrant not only at UTA but for the Tarrant County Detention center. It sucks. But the good news is that Capt. Tillerson said that after it is cleared up they will consider him for a job bad news is that the TCD Center says he cant apply again for a year........which is fine with me.....I wasnt too comfortable with him having to monitor inmates who were not in cells but allowed to roam free in the detention center. I guess this is to be expected since he wants to become a cop - LORD HELP ME. As if I could lose anymore hair...........

True Wife Confession

I was going to send a wife confession - hell bent on strumming along with the others on here............but then I remembered my vows and the counseling we had before we were married and I cannot degrade you to others - even though I could write my own self-help book on how to marry the man you love without going crazy in the process.

True some of the confessions are heart breaking and some just downright unbelieveable but...........I cant do it. Why is it easier to post up my thoughts about my spouse anonymously in cyberspace rather than talking to my husband and praying for him. Have I really taken a hard look at both sides of the coin?

What am I doing wrong as a wife - am I esteeming my husband and doing everything i can to honor that of what a wife should be? Or am I having affairs searching for love that I have to first find in myself, griping, insulting, eye rolling, nagging, pitting my child against you, or am I just complaining about EVERYDAY life in general - not enough sex, my husband doesnt clean, he ignores the kids, he is stupid, he is dumb, you dont do it good enough, do you have to play video games everyday all day, or read those friggin comic books ALL THE TIME???

Do I make sure you have something to eat when you come home from work? make sure you can relax and enjoy being at home?? Have I ran you a bath to soak your tired body and feet, submitted to your sexual drive - PLEASED that you would even want me still when I dont even like looking in the mirror but yet you still want me?? Do I tell you how proud I am of you because you didnt carry our child so you couldnt possibly know how connected a mothe rcan be to her child but you have in a way created your own connection and relationship with a child that is NOT biologically yours - and you love her - she is more like you then her own biological father! You HATE school but you wont give up because you know that it is necessary...............you put up with my monthly girlfriend that visits and snaps, fusses and cusses at you for no reason at all and you baby me sometimes because you try to understand...

My God created this union so he alone has the power to fix it - not me and my ignorant attempts to change you and make our marriage better. From this day - I will speak life into our marriage and pray for those who are dead to their marriages.

I learnied something last night that I didnt really understand. We as wives have to stand together to support each other - because we need one another - not to come together to talk about our husbands but to voice how we can bring life to our marriages - through "true confession".

So much hurt and disappointment........Im not downplaying being done wrong by our husbands at all.......but the only way to overcome the hurt is to love - even when we dont want to.......and believe be - sometimes I really dont want to.

Confess on.....my prayers are with you all.

The Daily Wife Journal

True Confession

I was going to send a wife confession - hell bent on strumming along with the others on here............but then I remembered my vows and the counseling we had before we were married and I cannot degrade you to others - even though I could write my own self-help book on how to marry the man you love without going crazy in the process.

True some of the confessions are heart breaking and some just downright unbelieveable but...........I cant do it. Why is it easier to post up my thoughts about my spouse anonymously in cyberspace rather than talking to my husband and praying for him. Have I really taken a hard look at both sides of the coin?

What am I doing wrong as a wife - am I esteeming my husband and doing everything i can to honor that of what a wife should be? Or am I having affairs searching for love that I have to first find in myself, griping, insulting, eye rolling, nagging, pitting my child against you, or am I just complaining about EVERYDAY life in general - not enough sex, my husband doesnt clean, he ignores the kids, he is stupid, he is dumb, you dont do it good enough, do you have to play video games everyday all day, or read those friggin comic books ALL THE TIME???

Do I make sure you have something to eat when you come home from work? make sure you can relax and enjoy being at home?? Have I ran you a bath to soak your tired body and feet, submitted to your sexual drive - PLEASED that you would even want me still when I dont even like looking in the mirror but yet you still want me?? Do I tell you how proud I am of you because you didnt carry our child so you couldnt possibly know how connected a mothe rcan be to her child but you have in a way created your own connection and relationship with a child that is NOT biologically yours - and you love her - she is more like you then her own biological father! You HATE school but you wont give up because you know that it is necessary...............you put up with my monthly girlfriend that visits and snaps, fusses and cusses at you for no reason at all and you baby me sometimes because you try to understand...

My God created this union so he alone has the power to fix it - not me and my ignorant attempts to change you and make our marriage better. From this day - I will speak life into our marriage and pray for those who are dead to their marriages.

I learnied something last night that I didnt really understand. We as wives have to stand together to support each other - because we need one another - not to come together to talk about our husbands but to voice how we can bring life to our marriages - through "true confession".

So much hurt and disappointment........Im not downplaying being done wrong by our husbands at all.......but the only way to overcome the hurt is to love - even when we dont want to.......and believe be - sometimes I really dont want to.

Confess on.....my prayers are with you all.

The Daily Wife Journal

The Beginning of the End

So I knew it was over for me when my daughter decided to take it upon herself and record what she saw on an infomercial - she was just trying to help me out - bless her heart. The thing with children that is so special and sweet is their honesty, innocence and unconditional love for their parents. So my baby girl - the doll that she is just wants the best for me - she wants me to best mommy that I can be even though at times I feel like strangling myself..........but she got me to pay attention to something that has been on my mind for the last two weeks..........my butt.......and the immenseness of if. Oh God how I dread this.........you know the whole scale thing and actually looking at myself in the mirror.........most of the time I look something like that below......all confused as to how that staring back at me could possibly classify itself as a twenty-something year old wife and mother.

So what is a mom to do........heed her daughters advice? Or take insult and tell my daughter that she talks too much? Oh wait I didnt tell yall what she gave me.......THE NOTE.



Apparently.........I need to lose weight. OH GOD I SAID IT...........AND I FEEL WRETCH-ED. I mean is there a such thing as reverse anorexia? No offense to anyone - but I dont think Im THAT much overweight........yes I had a child and losing that baby weight is difficult - unless you are one of the Hollywood elite.........and it has been 7 years..........but hey 8 is a number of completion so maybe this is the time for me to finish something I started 7 years ago. So even though I just ate an ice cream sandwich - oh hush - I am going to suck it up and go ahead and bite the chocolate bullet and go on a diet. FINE THEN. Anyone want to join me........................

The Night Shift

So recently - like yesterday - my husband started working at night - we are soooo broke. It has given me time to..........be by myself and ponder my thoughts. We have been having a little trouble as husband and wife........most married couples would have divorced by now. It's the little stuff that causes the biggest problems. So if you are reading this blog to get some insight into marriage - you are definately in the wrong place. I dont have any words of wisdom, funny anecdotes or stories of how my husband almost made me kill him........I just have the truth.

It's funny when you take the spotlight and shine it on your own disillusioned self - you find out and see all the things the are hiding - wrinkles, a couple of pounds, hidden disappointments - you know, all the things that your spouse tries to hide. I love my hubby - and not that I've been with you for so long so of course I love you type of thing but..........I love him despite how lazy he is sometimes, how junky he is - OMGoodness he is junky - despite how much I can't love myself - I still.....love....him.

My grandmother told me when we first moved to Texas that God spoke to her about our marriage and it was meant for her to tell me to encourage me. She told me that God said to not worry, he (my hubby) would be my healing and I would be his. Well - I aint healed and neither is he so I think we got some more wounds that we havent uncovered yet.

I struggle with my marriage and with my own self doubt - I dont want to push my husband away but sometimes he just makes me BOILING mad and I want to degrade him and put him down. but I cant - I try to honor him with my silence - esteem him like the Good Book says........

I read so many stories of women whose husbands have left them, the children and the marriage - just walked away and I wonder - why was it so easy for them? I mean what? Was the sex that bad? I mean really - who would walk away from free, guilt free sex - unless it was just too horrible - Me, myself - I get tired of it - my husband seems to think it's like that urge to go to the bathroom evey morning - you have to do it or your bladder will burst - so he never tires of it.

My thoughts have ended........I going to go play boggle.

The Marriage Bed

Yeah I made it - guess I should lie in it. But it's difficult living a lie. I wanted so bad to have someone that truly loves me as much as I love them but I dont think that is what this bed is. It's a convenience bed and I am literally sleeping alone. It's nt enough - now I see why so many people break their vows - it's easier then living with aloneness. What's the point of being married and yet you are still alone?

I have left our room at least 3 times in the span of 1 hour and my husband never noticed. Boy I bet if I were a video game I would get turned on all the time but even that is a chore because I just dont feel like it.....................am I the only one suffering in my marriage? Waking up to silent tears? Wishing my husband understood what cherish meant? Wondering if I made a mistake because I do wonder. I know why I got married but I don't have a reason to want to stay married - well I do but it's a cop out. Dont get me wrong I would never leave my husband in the natural but I feel like he has left me mentally almost 6 months ago.

The internet and video games are what makes him happy, not me, not my daughter, this house, our life together. Nothing. So I ask, what is wrong with the marriages of today? I sure dont know what is wrong with mine........maybe someone else can shed some light on this.............feel free.

It's been such a long time....

Well Im back! It has been at almost 3 months since I last blogged. It takes a lot of time and committment to blog. So let me catch you up:

Christmas was cool, no yule, no tree, no monee - I had to wrap up a lot of my daughters old
presents that she had never opened - that actually worked out!! Yayy for packrats!

New Years was New Years - Mariah Carey looked....fit.

January 22 - I started a new position with the FOB - very interesting work.

February - My husband once again sent me my valentine via cell phone - he is so sweet! He baked me a cookie shaped like a heart - chocolate chip!

And thats all for now!