It wasn't pretty. It was downright butt ugly. God I was a love sick dog with like 3 legs, limping down the road of despair. I was stupid. I allowed myself to be insanely jealous, dumb & weak. I allowed myself to be abused. He was horrible. He didn't love me. He didn't even care. To think I cheated on my high school loser boyfriend to get with another loser whom I thought was my "moon and stars" as the Khaleesi would say. He wasn't. But he gave me the sun which I am most thankful for.
I went through 4 boyfriends in that journal - FOUR - as well as like 5 years of college in that one journal AND I found an entry where I had a miscarriage in February 2000. I had forgotten. It red ink spread all over the page around the picture of Wonder Woman in the jaws of some type of Jurassic monster with lots of teeth.
WOW. Seeing that was like a shot to the chest. I cant believe I had forgotten. I cant believe my mind was so messed up back then & still is. The pain and confusion in my writing was so heavy. But the thing that really threw me for a loop was that it was the same ole same ole issues. Low self esteem, indecision, self-hate - self pity. Those same things that I struggle with now as a wife & mother. Over 10 years later. Same old crap. Sd how do I deal? How to I leave these emotional wounds behind & finally get to the point of scabs & then finally scars?
I was watching Joyce Meyers message on emotional healing. She pointed out that self-pity is the same as idolotry. How right she is. I've read countless times in the bible & on blogs, the best medicine to heal your sorrow is to help someone else; focus on someone elses issues because there is always another person in a predicament worse than you. God I hope that's true. It has to be or everything I have been through has been for nothing. I will be damned before I let that happen.
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